Ever come across someone with passive aggressive behavior? Well, then youโd know how tiring it can feel to deal with a bully. Hereโs how to respond to them.
This post is going to dive deep into how to stop passive-aggressive behavior, and how to respond to passive aggressive behavior.
Passive-aggressive behavior is called โcrazy-makingโ for a reason. If you complain about it, the perpetrator often acts as if youโre the one with the problem, and theyโre just an innocent victim of your inexplicable frustration.
What Does It Mean To Have Passive Aggressive Behavior?
People who behave in passive-aggressive ways are not necessarily bad people. In fact, theyโre often good peopleโso good that they donโt want to impose on anyone by asserting their needs or opinions openly.
Most of us at one time or another have used passive aggression with friends, family, or coworkers:
- If youโve ever reluctantly agreed to go to something, then found a reason to bail out at the last minute, that was passive-aggressive.
- If youโve ever asked a question you already knew the answer to, just to find out what the other person would say, that was passive-aggressive.
- If youโve ever pretended not to receive an email or text, rather than just responding โNo,โ that was passive-aggressive.
Related: Are You Passive-Aggressive In Your Relationship?
This list isnโt to shame you; itโs to help you understand that passive-aggressive behavior is not evil; itโs simply an attempt to avoid potential conflict.
Most of us donโt realize when weโre using a passive-aggressive communication style. Thatโs why itโs not a good idea to accuse perpetrators of manipulation. If theyโre not aware of what theyโre doing, theyโll deny it, and might even accuse you of making trouble.
The best way to respond to someone whoโs using a passive-aggressive style is to hold up a mirror. Let them see the goals, objectives, wants, or needs in what theyโre saying or doing. Be a smooth, reflective surface that helps them realize their own hidden agenda.
The Hidden Agenda
When someone makes a critical remark disguised as an innocent question, such as, โAre you going to eat that whole thing?โ or โDo you like your sonโs hair like that?โ the best response is to ask calmly and politely, โWhat do you mean?โ
That simple question holds up a mirror and shows them their own agenda. Usually, the person will either rephrase or say, โNever mind. Forget I asked.โ
In response to nonverbal behavior that feels passive-aggressive, offer a non-judgmental observation of what happened, and let the other person explain himself or herself.
For example, if you invite me to lunch twice and I cancel twice, you might say, โHey, Tina, I notice that you canceled both our lunch dates. Iโd like to have lunch with you, but Iโm not sure whether to ask you again.โ
The first part is not an accusation; itโs an established fact: I canceled twice. But notice the I-statement that follows: Iโd like to have lunch with you, but Iโm not sure what to do here. Keep it about you, and ask the passive-aggressive perpetrator to help you clear up the confusion.
Related: 7 Ways To Deal With Verbally Aggressive People
Good Boundaries Are Important To Deal With Passive Aggressive Behaviour
Try to remain calm and friendly when responding to passive aggression. Remember, itโs (usually) not on purpose. If they knew better, theyโd do better. Be a role model for how to talk about things openly, without being scared or scary.
Responding to passive aggression is good practice for those of us working on boundaries. If you tend to take on the task of figuring out how to please, or at least read, other people, observing their behavior and asking them about it is a boundaried alternative.
Related: Emotional Blackmail And Its 7 Signs
Keep a metaphorical mirror in your pocket, and hold it up to passive-aggressive behavior. Donโt take it on.
(If you liked this post, you might also enjoy A Passive-Aggressive Thanksgiving.)
Share your thoughts in the comments below if you have experienced or dealt with such individuals.
Written by Tina Gilbertson, LPC Originally appeared on Psychology Today Republished with permission
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