Do you say “yes” to avoid conflict, but deep down, you feel drained? Recognize people pleasing behavior as it’s time to set boundaries and reclaim your peace!
First we must care for ourselves. When we do, we can better care for others.
Key points
- When we people-please, it creates a relationship that is not really honest.
- We cannot meet everyone else’s needs.
- When we become more OK with being ourselves, people will likely be drawn to us because we are being authentic.
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Read More Here: The People Pleaser And The Narcissist: The Toxic Relationship Trap
Do you find yourself wanting to make everyone else happy above your own needs and desires? That’s where we can get into trouble—when we have the drive to want to please others at the expense of our own mental, physical, and emotional health.
Over time, it can take a toll on us and our lives, causing us to repress our very own needs and desires, and, when that happens, we can experience burnout, overwhelm, exhaustion, and resentment.
We end up focusing so much on others that we don’t take care of ourselves, when, in truth, our first job is to care for ourselves because when we do, we can better care for others.
When we people-please, it creates a relationship that is not really honest because we are not being truthful with ourselves and others about our wants and needs. The relationship suffers when we are not truthful and also because we cannot fix or change someone else.
We cannot make someone like us or control how they feel or think about us. The only person we can change and have control over is ourselves.
A classic people pleaser is defined as someone who pleases or wants to please people—a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires. You put others’ needs over your own.
Are you a people-pleaser? How do you know?
Let’s dive into the behaviors and common signs of people pleasing.
Behaviors of people-pleasing
Behaviors that are considered people-pleasing may include struggling to say no, and, during the times you do say no, you have lengthy explanations, apologize excessively when you can’t meet someone’s need, or go to extreme lengths to avoid conflict.
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Signs of people pleasing
- You can’t say, “No.”
- You excessively say, “sorry” when you can’t meet another’s needs.
- You repeat and replay your conversations in your head because you want people to like you.
- You are hard on yourself when you can’t meet someone else’s needs.
- You’ll do anything to avoid conflict.
- You feel like you have to do everything because you can’t trust others to do it. No one gets the job done like you.
- You respond out of fear, anxiety, and stress and say “yes” to things automatically.
- You seek external validation from others.
- Setting boundaries gives you anxiety, so you often dismiss it.
- You’ll inconvenience yourself to make things easier for others, and you put your needs and self-care last.
Why we people-please
- Simply, we want people to like us.
- We don’t like conflict.
- We want to be in control. There may be an idea that “No one can do this as well as me.”
- We learned in an environment that it was an adaptive way to live in the world: (a) People-pleasing was once a learned behavior that was a protective mechanism for people who don’t want to have conflict. Now, it is no longer good for us and others. (b) It could be a behavior that once had a functional purpose that was useful and adaptive; it is outdated and needs to be refreshed. (c) Culturally, some people are also more wired to people-please and think of others’ needs over their own.
- We are brainwashed for external validation and seeking approval outside ourselves.
- We don’t want to hurt someone else’s feelings.
- We feel bullied into it.
- It’s a form of manipulation to win favor with others.
- We suffer from low self-opinion, which stems from a number of things—we feel like imposters, we mask ourselves as chameleons, we feel insecure and unsure, or we may have suffered some sort of trauma or oppressive environments.
Here’s the thing. There is a part of us that does get joy about seeing others be happy from our love. When it’s done from love over fear, that’s the main distinction.
In truth: You cannot meet everyone else’s needs.
How to stop people-pleasing?
- Don’t say “Yes” right away—hit the pause button.
- Take time to think about things and whether it feels and is right for you. This way you have time to see whether doing something feels good for you, rather than just saying “Yes” right away. Putting the discussion on pause gives you time to really do the things that feel good and right for you.
- Have a line ready to respond like, “Let me think it over and get back to you.”
- “No” is a complete sentence. Be clear and say “no” when you do not want to do something. It is a way of setting healthy boundaries. This way you will have more time to do the things that you want to do.
- You have the right to change your mind. It may feel foreign to you, but you can change your mind and position on something at any time.
- Make peace with the fact that you cannot please everyone. So, you are hosting a holiday meal at your house. You have meat eaters, vegetarians, and a gluten-free vegan. (Yes, I’m the difficult GF veggie.) You cannot meet everyone’s dietary needs. So, if someone has a sensitive tummy or specific diet, remind them to bring something they can eat. People need to take responsibility for themselves, including you and me.
- Be OK with people being “Meh” with you—that’s right, the dreaded thing that not everyone will like you. And, yes, it’s impossible that everyone will. Some people are for us and others are not. You can always love someone and not like their position or even their character. Once you become more and more OK with being you, more people will likely be drawn to you because you are being your authentic self.
- Gut check and listen to your heart. Notice whether something feels right in your body. Your body carries a wealth of information and signals and tells you whether something feels right for you or not. You will know when something doesn’t feel right for you. Especially don’t make a decision to do something out of fear or anxiety. That is your body, heart, and mind telling you “No!” Do things out of love and not out of fear.
- Find ways to please yourself—what an idea, right? Do something that you want to do daily that brings you pleasure and get used to taking care of yourself and liking yourself. Practice positive self-talk and self-activities to build your self-esteem.
Have compassion; change takes time.
It’s hard to change, especially when we grew up in ways that wired us to be the way we are, and we may not even know we are responding automatically to please others. Start small, step-by-step, day-by-day.
Read More Here: Are You A People Pleaser? This Is How You Can Stop Being One
References
Berridge, K.C., Kringelbach, M.L. Building a neuroscience of pleasure and well-being. Psych Well-Being 1, 3 (2011). https://doi.org/10.1186/2211-1522-1-
Kringelbach ML, Berridge KC. The Neuroscience of Happiness and Pleasure. Soc Res (New York). 2010 Summer;77(2):659-678. PMID: 22068342; PMCID: PMC3008658.
Berridge KC, Kringelbach ML. Neuroscience of affect: brain mechanisms of pleasure and displeasure. Curr Opin Neurobiol. 2013 Jun;23(3):294-303. Doi: 10.1016/j.conb.2013.01.017. Epub 2013 Jan 31. PMID: 23375169; PMCID: PMC3644539.
Sachdeva S, Iliev R, Ekhtiari H, Dehghani M (2015) The Role of Self-Sacrifice in Moral Dilemmas. PLOS ONE 10(6): e0127409. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0127409
Pulcu Erdem , Zahn Roland , Elliott Rebecca. The Role of Self-Blaming Moral Emotions in
Major Depression and Their Impact on Social-Economical Decision Making. Frontiers in Psychology; 4, 2013. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2013.0031
Explore more of Dr. Nicole Tetreault’s insights at www.nicoletetreault.com for transformative perspectives.
Nicole Tetreault, Ph.D., is a neuroscientist, author, meditation teacher, and international keynote speaker on topics of neurodiversity, neurodevelopment, creativity, mental health, and wellness. Her book, Insight into a Bright Mind, explores groundbreaking research examining the experiences of unique, creative, and intense brains through interviews, storytelling, and literary science, while advocating for new directions of human diversity and neurodiversity.
Tetreault received her Ph.D. from the California Institute of Technology (Caltech) in neuroscience and has authored numerous academic papers on intelligence, autism, brain evolution, neuroinflammation, and behavior.
She is a professor at Bridges Graduate School of Cognitive Diversity in Education and teaches meditation, the complexities of neurodiversity, and neuroscience. As recipient of the Milton Career Exploration Prize from Caltech, she founded the novel non-profit Beyond the Cell, a transformative program to rehabilitate formerly incarcerated women and at-risk girls through guided meditation, dharma, neuroscience, and expressive writing.
As the founder of Awesome Neuroscience, Tetreault leads a new generation of meditation practices by fusing novel discoveries in neuroscience with the ancient lineage of Asian meditation.
She translates the most promising neuroscience and positive psychology into corporate trainings and meditation retreats, supporting people around the world in increasing creativity, deepening peace, awakening compassion, and wiring their minds for love.
Tetreault believes in our ability to wire our minds using positive neural plasticity through compassion and wisdom, liberating us to live the lives we dream.
Written by Nicole Tetreault, Ph.D.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
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