I was one of those kids that always tried to make friends. Good friends. I always knew a lot of people. They also knew me. But it was never even close to something you would call real friendship. I tried a lot of things to be a part of different groups of people. In the end I mostly was the one who was used for stuff. I was the one where everyone could drop their problems and the one who would fill up the candybox. As soon as I needed someone, no one was available. No one had time or took the time for me to actually see me. I can say that i seriously never was seen by anyone. After a while you got used to it but it’s not a nice feeling for sure.
When I got older I thought friendships were supposed to get more intense. Actually they did… Normal teenager problems were added to the whole cocktail. I was the one drying tears and I was also the one crying myself to sleep at night – alone. Again, nobody was there for me.
When I jumped into a long lasting and not very loving relationship I couldn’t count on anyone as well. To be honest, it’s pretty tough to go through life alone, but I always knew that I wasn’t the only one who had this problem. That thought kept me going. I knew that one day I would find a true friendship that would make up for all this. A friend who would understand me and support me like I would do with him.
At the point in my life when my whole world crushed above my head, the knight in shiny armour appeared and it filled my broken heart with love and support. For the first time in my life I had the feeling to finally found someone I could really open up to.
Going on a journey together to find my true self, i discovered a lot of things. I finally understand why I always had trouble to make that connection. I simply felt things differently my whole life. I finally understood who I really am. I finally understood what it means to be an Empath. Why all those people always came with all their problems to me and why nobody could ever understand my troubles.
The dangerous part for an empath who finally thinks that she found someone to open up to is, that the need of getting everything that was always missing for a lifetime should happen instantly. Jumping into the situation heads first and giving all you have. All your love, all your time, all your attention. It gets hard when the other person is willing to give it back to you but is somehow not able to. You see their attempts, but it’s still different.
After a while you notice that the distance gets bigger and somehow that friendship you thought was the one you were searching for your whole life is breaking in pieces is again a very hard lesson you have to learn. It rips you in pieces and breaks you to your core. Again. You already have been at this point. So many times in your life and the disappointment is unbearable. You keep asking yourself why you have let yourself sink so deep again.
The question is what is it that makes friendship worth suffering? How much can you take and how much are you willing to take on your shoulders for someone? A true connection with someone should not be about how you act, what you have and what you can offer. It should be about who you really are, if you can show your inner light to that someone and they will protect you inner light like they protect theirs.
If you have found somebody like this, then be grateful and never take it for granted. Never make use of someone you call your best friend and never let them get the feeling you would not care.
If you haven’t found that person yet, then be patient. They will show up. At the point in life when it’s needed.
For me I can say I have found someone and it’s kind of breaking apart right now. But somehow while that one connection is breaking I found the real one I was looking for my whole life.
So I am closing the blog today with one sad eye and one happy eye…but it’s totally ok as everything happens for a reason.
Lots of love,
Neelah
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