Chronic complainers have a hidden agenda, but even they don’t know what it is.
Key points
- There’s usually a point to complaints, although not always the point the complainer is making.
- Chronic complainers may be trying to connect.
- Too much complaining tends to push people away.
- Understanding the underlying need can help, but it’s not enough.
Do you know someone who complains all the time, but never seems to do anything to change their situation? Do you feel compelled to offer suggestions or to try to help them, only to have all of your efforts rejected? What’s going on here? And what can you do about it?
This was the situation my client Terry* experienced with a colleague who she told me “never stops complaining. According to her, nothing ever goes right for her. If she went out with friends, someone did something to ruin the evening. If she went to a show, it was awful. If she stayed home, she couldn’t get her favorite series on Netflix.”
“We share several projects, so I have to talk with her every day. And you know, by the way, she doesn’t ever ask me how my weekend was. She just likes to talk about herself, and she only wants to talk about all the bad things in her life.”
Terry offered suggestions and advice, and at one point even offered to help her with some home repair, but, as Terry explained to me, “Everything I did was wrong.”
Read More Here: Why Complaining Is Killing You, According To The Science of Happiness
There’s usually a point to complaints, although not always the point the complainer is making
As I noted in a post about how to deal with chronic whiners some years ago, there’s usually a point to the grousing, although it’s not always about the problem the person is talking about. Understanding that there is a difference between the content (whatever the person is saying is bothering them) and the real goal (what they really want) can be a first step in turning chronic complaining into constructive complaints.
Chronic complainers may be trying to connect
In my experience, the underlying goal of much grumbling is often not to solve a difficulty, but to make a connection.
My PT colleagues Thomas Hendricks and William Berry, who have written about the psychology of complaining, agree. As Hendricks puts it, “although a few of us may be compulsive, damn-the-consequences curmudgeons, most of us are quite strategic about our expressions of grievance.”
We may not realize that we’re being strategic, or even that we have a goal other than letting off steam. But underlying the aim is frequently a desire to connect.
Too much complaining tends to push people away
Of course, chronic complainers, and especially those who reject help, often end up pushing people away rather than getting the validation and affirmation that Berry tells us is their real goal.
Unfortunately for anyone listening to their grousing, it’s not always possible to just ignore them. So what can you do if your sister starts criticizing her boyfriend, who, by the way, she won’t leave, for what seems to be the millionth time? Or your officemate starts telling you about all the things that went wrong, yet again, on her last vacation?
Understanding the underlying need can help, but it’s not enough
The following suggestions are based on the idea that whining in adults (maybe in children, as well) is often an unrecognized strategy for connecting and asking for help—just not the help they seem to be requesting. It can be useful to keep in mind that people who constantly complain may feel helpless and embarrassed about needing help. They may have grown up without adults who helped them develop a belief in their own competence. As a result, they may have low self-esteem that they disguise with an attitude of entitlement and superiority.
They reject the help they seem to be asking for because they feel ashamed of needing any help, and the help they really want isn’t what they’re saying they need.
But this understanding is not enough to make someone’s complaints go away. So what can you do when you’re confronted with never-ending, unresolvable grumbling? How can you turn incessant moaning into constructive complaining?
Six ways to shift the envelope
Once you know that the grievances themselves are a means to an end, you can start a process of turning incessant moaning into productive, or constructive complaining.
- Acknowledge the complaints. Say something that lets them know that you hear them. People who whine all the time are used to being brushed off. Something like, “That sounds lousy,” or even just, “Oh, too bad,” can communicate that you hear them and understand that they are feeling bad, without communicating that you feel sorry for them or see them as incompetent.
- If it’s a complaint you share, acknowledge your own frustration as well.
- Try asking what kinds of solutions they have tried, and if they were at all useful. Don’t offer a helpful suggestion, since that implies that you think you can save them or that you see them as helpless and incompetent.
- If they say something along the lines of “nothing works” or “there’s nothing anyone can do,” don’t offer suggestions, but sympathize with the feeling that they are powerless to effect any change.
- Then ask if they’d like to try brainstorming with you. Something like, “I don’t know if this will help at all, but I’d be happy to see if we can come up with some kind of game plan together.” A joke about “two heads are better than one” can sometimes ease the way in. But don’t push this. If they are at all resistant, back off and go stay with the earlier steps.
- If they want you to problem-solve with them, tell them that you’ve learned to look for a small part of any problem to begin with. Problems are often overwhelming because we try to address too big a piece at once. They are often more easily solved when we can find the smallest components and work on them one at a time.
Terry tried these steps and was surprised at her colleague’s response. “When I said ‘that’s lousy’ to her, she looked at me with surprise. And when I offered to brainstorm with her, she seemed even more surprised, but really grateful.” Terry helped her colleague choose a small corner of an overwhelming task and address it.
“Once we had done that, she was able to keep going on her own,” Terri said. “And the truth is that it was an overwhelming ask from our boss. The woman wasn’t getting any guidance, either. When I started to take it apart with her, I had to agree that it wasn’t fair. She shouldn’t have been given that job without any help from her supervisor. Once we broke it down into smaller pieces, she was pretty much able to take it from there.”
It’s important to recognize that you can’t change someone’s personality. If you try and don’t succeed the first time, it’s a good idea to try again, and maybe once again. But don’t beat your head against a brick wall. If someone isn’t going to stop whining, nothing you can do will make a difference.
Read More Here: 3 Types of Complainers Who Spread Negative Vibes
*Names and identifying info changed to protect privacy
Written by F. Diane Barth L.C.S.W.
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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