Narcissists have a sneaky way of making you feel small without ever saying anything outright mean. These subtle jabs, also known as covert put downs for narcissists, are their go-to move for keeping control and making themselves feel superior.
Ever had someone say something that felt off, but you couldn’t quite figure out why it stung? That’s probably a covert put down.
In this piece, we’re breaking down five types of these sneaky little insults narcissists love to use, so you can spot them and not fall for their mind games next time!
Related: 7 Things Covert Narcissists Say To Control You
7 Types Of Covert Put Downs For Narcissists
1. They are pros at giving backhanded compliments.
Backhanded compliments are perhaps the most classic form of covert put downs. These remarks sound like compliments on the surface but carry an underlying insult.
For example, saying, “You look great for someone your age!” may seem flattering, but it suggests that you don’t usually look good. Narcissists use this tactic to appear gracious while still secretly asserting their superiority.
The goal is to leave you feeling confused about whether you should feel flattered or humiliated. Over time, these backhanded compliments can chip away at your self-esteem, leaving you questioning your worth.
2. They exhibit a dismissive body language.
One of the examples of subtle put downs by narcissists is through non-verbal communication. Dismissive body language, such as eye-rolling, crossed arms, or looking away when you’re speaking, sends a clear message that they don’t value what you have to say.
This sort of behavior can feel belittling and can undermine your confidence in expressing yourself.
For example, during a conversation, if a narcissist frequently interrupts or looks disinterested, it can lead you to feel like your thoughts and opinions are unimportant.
This type of covert put down can slowly erode your sense of self-worth and make you hesitant to share your ideas in the future.
3. They are experts at feigning concern.
Narcissists may also use feigned concern as one of many covert put downs. They’ll express worry about your well-being or choices but in a condescending or patronizing manner.
For instance, they might say, “I’m just worried you’re going to make a big mistake with that decision.” This tactic positions them as caring and concerned while subtly implying that you’re incapable of making wise and healthy decisions.
It can be incredibly frustrating because it combines concern with an insult, making it difficult to respond without seeming defensive or oversensitive. Over time, these comments can lead you to doubt your judgment and second-guess your decisions.
4. They use humor to diminish your feelings.
When it comes to put downs for narcissists, using humor to belittle or insult someone is a big one. Narcissists might make jokes at your expense, framing them as lighthearted teasing.
For example, a narcissist could say, “You’re so clumsy; maybe you should wear a helmet!” While it might seem funny in the moment, this type of humor is designed to attack your confidence and make you feel self-conscious.
By hiding their put down behind a facade of humor, they can get away with it while making you question if you’re being overly sensitive.
These sort of covert put downs can be very damaging because it often leaves you second-guessing your feelings about the comment.
Related: Covert Verbal Abuse: Is Someone Telling You How You Should Feel?
5. They pretend to be ignorant.
Feigning ignorance is another tactic narcissists use to deflect criticism and manipulate others. If you confront them about their mean and hurtful behavior, they might act as if they had no idea their words or actions were offensive.
For example, they might say, “I didn’t realize that bothered you; I thought we were just joking around.” This sort of statement shifts the focus away from their actions and dumps the the burden on you for feeling upset.
You end up feeling guilty for expressing your feelings, which is exactly what the narcissist wanted in the first place.
Ultimately, this tactic serves to obscure the narcissist’s true intent while making you feel insecure about your reactions.
6. They gaslight you to no end.
One of the major put downs for narcissists is gaslighting. Gaslighting is one of the most insidious examples of subtle put downs, that can make you question your reality and perceptions.
A narcissist might deny things they’ve said or done, insisting that you’re remembering it wrong. For example, if you confront them about a hurtful comment, they may respond with, “I never said that; you’re just being overly sensitive.”
This manipulation can lead you to doubt your memory, feelings, and even your sanity. Gaslighting is a powerful tactic that keeps you off balance and dependent on the narcissist for validation, making it a horribly effective means of control.
7. They have a tendency of overgeneralizing criticism.
Narcissists often use overgeneralizing criticism as a form of covert put down. Instead of trying to gently make you understand your faults, they make really, really broad statements that are a direct hit to your character and abilities.
For example, they might say, “You always mess things up,” or “You never do anything right.” These sweeping criticisms can leave you feeling defeated and helpless, as you feel that there’s nothing positive about you.
These sort of put downs for narcissists not only serves to undermine your self-esteem but also makes you feel very hopeless, and makes it for you to see any of your strengths.
Narcissists have a whole playbook of covert put downs they use to keep you feeling small and confused. However, recognizing these examples of subtle put downs can serve as your superpower!
Related: Dog Whistling Narcissist: 8 Ways Narcissists Use This Covert Manipulation Tactic
Always remember that your feelings are valid, and understanding what’s going on can help you stand your ground and have a healthy sense of self-worth. Surround yourself with people who lift you up, and don’t let anyone dim your shine.
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