I have tasted the pain of invisibility like it was the only being known, Through the budding years of my existence, I sat through the corridors forlorn, Yonder in its mirth beheld its stance through the crevices of tears that shed, As I look back, I may let go of the ones who bullied me in school, But I will move on without the notions of- forgive and forget
The existential stride in its truest form often leaves us questioning our sense of self, straying us from what we truly want and plonking us into the conundrums of darkness. Where the world often feels still and the spirit to fight, the grit to face the light often renders our spirit lifeless.
I have found myself jolting through these phases often and there are moments where flashing memories of the past often revive their essence in my psyche and I find myself pondering over the emphatic duality of what could have been if certain experiences had not taken place. Don’t we all look back and think- how our life could have been in retrospect if the moments of agony and animosity had not shed their traces onto our shallow breaths of mortality? For the longest time, I used to think and reflect on how my life could have looked like if I had not faced extreme bullying in school, how differently would my trajectory pan out to be?
I was a teenager as I grew up with the notion of absolute fairness in the world, with the naivety of goodness showering in every being as we plunged into our daily routines. Like many other girls, I grew up fantasizing about Bollywood movies finding the perfect partner and having it all together as I turn into an adult. I recall ingraining a sense of perfectionism that led me to mould myself to be digestible to the point that I could not find my authentic truth. With a lower sense of self-worth as a teenager, I struggled to maintain my sense of self and would place the opinions of others on a higher pedestal over my own. Trying my best to make it through school with a sense of gaining validation through being one of the top-performing students, my life revolved around my academics and extracurriculars.
Flowing through life, I fell into a trance of darkness forged by my struggle to be alive. I started getting bullied for my appearance, my overweight and my lack of social skills. For the longest time I remember there was a group of girls who would bully me and call me names like Moti, Kal, Pimple Queen and many others. The bullying turned into verbal cursing, and as long as I can remember, the simple name-calling and teasing began. It made it feel worse and worse, little by little. The name-calling began to feel more like verbal abuse, and the teasing escalated into harassment. I still recall feeling alienated and out of place. There was a period of my life where I wished to run away from the traps of school and be at home. This went on for two years and I developed a sense of body dysmorphia and social anxiety. I would internalise their comments and teasing, making me hate my own body and lose all my budding confidence.
From being the one who was an extroverted sunshine girl, I started to feel that I do not deserve friendships and should be left alone, because of being ugly and boring. The feeling of losing your spark and light is one of the most miserable things one can go through. I remember instances where I cried myself to sleep because of how I went from being unafraid and performing on massive stages and huge audiences to not having enough courage to go up and talk to people. I was giving my boards and with the dwindling sense of self-worth and confidence, my grades started tanking too. I felt like my world was ending, but little did I know it was the onset of a new Hridya. I still remember my mid-term results had come and I had barely passed the subjects, and I looked at my report card. I stood in front of the mirror with my report and had a painting of Krishna ji as tears welled up in my eyes, I held my phone in my hand as I read the quote.
You are the light that brings love to a thousand rooms and the soul that brings
life to the dead,
Don’t lose yourself in the noise of others, come back home to yourself, to the
path that the divine has led.
It was divine intervention when I finally realised the power to change my life and decide what belies to be my truth lies in my hands. I got up and decided to hold my light akin and change into the best version of me. From nearly passing my midterms to scoring 90 % on my boards, I found the strength within myself. I still remember how I and my family danced in the utter bareness of joy at the Switzerland railway station as I received my results. It was a moment of eternal contentment, the one I wanted forever to last.
As I look back I have the urge to thank my bullies, not because what they did was right or because the moments were not painful for my younger self. They made me who I am today, a girl with an unwavering sense of confidence in herself, in love with how she looks and in holistic and radical acceptance of every flaw, every insecurity and every scar that makes her the wonderful person she is today. If I had not gone through the darkness of my life, I would not found myself once again, I would not still reach for the stars, dance in rooms full of people, and perform my art with zeal and passion in front of a thousand of people and would not have been a writer and a poet , who is recognised for her work and aspires to be the woman who inspires a million of girls to love themselves for they are and fall in love with living.
To my bullies,
I may not forgive and forget but I now not behold any resentment towards
your existential bane,
Your words and actions led me to embrace the beauty of my flawed and
beautiful name.
In the quest of becoming my best self, I embosom every aspect of me that
renders my right,
I thank you for making me come home to me, for making me realise I am the
light.
Best
Hridya
Leave a Reply