A year ago, I was lost.
Not lost in the sense that one could easily say why they were lost, but rather feeling misunderstood, confused, and doubting oneself, and whether one is good enough. One did not know where they wanted to go or what they wanted to do. Somehow, though, I feel like I have found my purpose in life – my ikigai.
It didn’t come easy.
Being pushed out of one’s comfort zone and putting oneself out there was something one struggled with. One would be afraid that maybe one wasn’t good enough or would fail at whatever they were trying to accomplish. I have failed before.
Read more: How To Get Over Fear Of Failure: 20 Ways To Conquer Fear
This is something which I will never forget. This was the day I received my psychology marks in the 12th board exams. I was shocked beyond belief. My performance in the subject used to be great; however, I suddenly underperformed in a subject I had dominated.
It is funny how things happen in life!
Now, I have come out as a teacher of the same subject.
There were many such incidents. There were certain universities I wanted replies from, and their lack of response affected me greatly.
Rejection can really be soul-destroying!
However, in the midst of all of this, there was something happening.
As soon as I started my career, I transformed. Listening to their problems, knowing how difficult their lives were, and feeling empathy for them – all this compelled me to develop myself, which I had no choice about since my job entailed that.
Little by little, I managed to do that.
While being unable to speak at first, I was able to stand before the public and captivate the listeners’ attention. While restraining myself, I learned to express myself in different ways; I even started doing things that I could not do before, such as singing and dancing.
What Self-Growth Really Means
Personal development is not an instantaneous process where you become an entirely different individual.
Personal development consists of:
- being present even when you do not feel like being there
- accepting your failures rather than hiding from them
- taking steps, albeit small ones, which scare you
Not everything can be seen externally. Sometimes, personal development means not quitting on yourself.
What Helped Me Grow
In retrospect, it wasn’t about things getting easier that led me down the path of development.
Rather, it was that I:
- Had no choice but to change
- Persisted, even on hard days
- Let myself feel everything—both highs and lows, anger and confusion
- Learned through doing
The Truth We Don’t Talk About
This does not make me any less afraid of things, however.
I am still afraid to approach some people. I am still afraid that on some days, I will need to hide again under my shell like a turtle avoiding the rest of the world. Some days are harder than other days, full of mood swings and exhaustion, rage, and tears.
But it is okay.
It means that growth and struggle go hand-in-hand.
What You Can Take From This
If you are one of those people who feels like you are trapped somewhere, unable to move forward or good enough—been there myself.
Read more: The Real Cause Of Inner Emptiness And What To Do About It
This is what I have discovered:
You don’t have to be ready to start.
You don’t have to have confidence to show up.
You don’t even have to know what you’re doing.
You only have to take that very first step,
out of your comfort zone.
Then take another one.
Where I Am Today
I have become a master’s degree holder now. I have a NET qualification. I am learning and growing daily.
Despite:
emotional highs and lows
being on medication
challenging days, which continue to come
I continued.
Read more: How To Overcome Low Self Esteem And Insecurities: 10 Tips
Final Thought
This road has not always been smooth. There have been moments where it was difficult, challenging, and overwhelming.
But it has also been wonderful.
Sometimes, growing up does not mean thriving.
Sometimes, it only means that you are no longer who you once were.
Written by Samridhi Thukral
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