The Top 3 Vulnerabilities That Ruin Your Relationship

Are you and your partner fighting more than usual? Do you know that there are a few vulnerabilities that ruin your relationship?

All couples come to experience the raw buttons of their partner. Happy couples understand each otherโ€™s imperfections and enduring vulnerabilities, while unhappy couples use these enduring vulnerabilities as firepower in the heat of a battle.

ย 

Instead of holding hands, they point fingers.

Pushing Each Otherโ€™s Raw Buttons

Steven and Ruth met while traveling through Brazil five years ago. Both are in their late thirties, and both had a difficult childhood.

Steven was abandoned by his father at the age of 6. He felt like a burden because his mom constantly stressed about money and his childhood expenses.

Ruthโ€™s mother divorced her dad and moved 400 miles away. Because Ruthโ€™s father was a workaholic, she spent most of her time at her dadโ€™s girlfriendโ€™s house. His girlfriend often shut her in the basement because she โ€œneeded silence.โ€

As a couple, they travel to faraway lands. Yet these exotic trips are full of conflict.

While in Thailand, Steven lost Ruth just before they were going to get on a boat to visit another island.

Assuming Steven would wait by the dock, she wandered off to get some fresh coconuts to drink. After 7 minutes of waiting, Stevenโ€™s mind went into panic mode. He freaked out and ran down the streets looking for her.

When he saw her walking towards the dock, he was enraged.

โ€œWhere did you go?โ€

She looked at him with big eyes as if to say, canโ€™t you see? There are two coconuts in my handsโ€ฆ

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with you?โ€.

โ€œI had no clue where you went to!โ€ Steven shouts. โ€œWhat were you thinking? The boat is about to leave?โ€

Ruth doesnโ€™t respond. She thrusts a coconut in his arms, grabs her bags, and sits on the boat alone. Steven feels upset that Ruth is ignoring him. Like she doesnโ€™t recognize that heโ€™s stressed out.

He remains there, stewing for the duration of the ride. When they arrive at the dock, the tension has vanished over the waves, but the underlying issues were never discussed or resolved. The issue lurks below the surface like a shark, eagerly waiting to attack in the next conflict.

Are you unknowingly ruining your relationship? Read 10 Silly Habits That Seem Insignificant But Slowly Ruin Relationships

ย 

What Are 3 Things That Hurt Your Partner?

Every individual has a handful of issues that breaks us down. These issues often originate in our childhood and are carried into our adult relationships.

The essence of our issues can typically be placed under three things that cut to the heart of our insecurities.

attachment type

Oblivious To The Insecurities of Love

Steven and Ruth are oblivious to each otherโ€™s insecurities and how theyโ€™re slowly being pushed apart. They are unaware that their shared childhood abandonment is bleeding through their connection.

Stevenโ€™s insecurities cause him to believe:

  • He is a burden that becomes his partnerโ€™s problem
  • His partner struggles to trust him
  • His partner would leave him at any time without a care in the world

Ruthโ€™s insecurities cause her to believe:

  • She has to do everything alone
  • Everyone is unreliable and she canโ€™t count on her partner
  • Other peopleโ€™s expression of emotion is overwhelming and childish

As you can see, the boating incident shows how successful they are at pushing each otherโ€™s buttons. They did nothing to relieve the otherโ€™s distress.

Ruth was insensitive to Stevenโ€™s fear of abandonment by not telling him where she was going, and she was shocked at his anger. Steven was insensitive to her withdrawal when he was upset. He was unprepared to make amends when he found her.

I donโ€™t think Steven and Ruth intentionally wanted to hurt each other. But their lack of expertise on each other caused them to both be in the dark about each otherโ€™s vulnerabilities as they floundered in the hostile emotional territory.

They both remain helpless to each other and they both struggle to repair the situation, ruining their relationship one misunderstood moment at a time.

ย 

Happy Couples & Vulnerabilities

Happy couples, on the other hand, understand the intimate details of what breaks their partner and what builds them up. Couples that last understand when their partner is feeling down and can get a sense of why without asking. They also know how to repair the bond and remedy the situation.

Learning new ways of loving that create healthy relationships requires more than just a mindset shift or the latest relationship tools. It requires healing your attachment brain through healthy connection with others. Doing this requires vulnerability, personal growth, and acceptance that your partner and you are dependent on each other.

If we choose to enter into a relationship, we are choosing to accept all of our partnerโ€™s history and baggage. Imagine if your partner took responsibility for your past injuries received by the hands of people theyโ€™ve never met and were consciously sensitive around these delicate topics.

Want to know what happy couples do to sustain their relationship? Read 6 Communication Strategies Of Happy Couples in Relationships

How would you feel if your partner did that for you?

Amazing and loved, right?

Love is a conscious choice made every damn day that says, โ€œIโ€™m here for you through everything. Iโ€™m even here through the shit that has hurt you in the past and still hurts you today.โ€

Couples who last together accept each other โ€œas isโ€ and take responsibility for each otherโ€™s care. Baggage and all. When their partner becomes distressed they can relieve it. When their partner is joyful, they amplify it. When their partner needs space, they understand and have a mutual plan to reconnect. I have found in my practice that this kind of detail, love, and connection feels like a superpower.

And yes sometimes our partners are a real pain in the ass. After all, we are too, sometimes. Your role of being your partnerโ€™s lover requires you to care for them, even when they are a pain in the ass.

Love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and stay open to our feelings even in conflict, even when we are hurt and angry. Love bids us stand connected with our lover, rather than shutting down emotionally, even when it is difficult to do so.

The only way to love and become experts on each other is to mutually work together to understand one another.

As couples do this, conflicts stop being about who is winning and who is losing. Instead, conflicts become a catalyst for closeness that creates a win-win for both partners.

Becoming an expert on your partner requires you to be an expert on yourself. Before working to recognize your partnerโ€™s top three vulnerabilities, I require clients to understand their own vulnerabilities. As part of my Passionate Relationship Toolkit, I added a new workbook called The 3 Vulnerabilities of Love. Itโ€™s completely free for subscribers.

Before your partner and you get in another fight, do this exercise. It will transform how you fight for the love of your life.


Every relationship goes through a few trials and tribulations. If you want the fights to be temporary, then you have to keep in mind that these vulnerabilities can ruin your relationship. Focus on having a healthy relationship, and you will see that it will stand the test of time.

If you want to know more about the vulnerabilities that ruin your relationship, then check out this video below:

๏ปฟ

This article was originally published on KyleBenson.net.

ย 

The Top 3 Vulnerabilities That Ruin Your Relationship

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love

Neurodivergent Love Languages

All minds are not wired the same way to express and show love. For those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, affection might look a bit different. Below are five neurodivergent love languages to help you understand love from a different perspective!

We know about Gary Chapmanโ€™s The Five Love Languages, but these languages arenโ€™t designed for neurodiverse individuals โ€“ who express care and affection differently. Sometimes their loved ones donโ€™t recognize how they share their feelings, or why they act like they do.

So, letโ€™s take a look at ADHD and autistic love languages, which might take on different forms to show how they like to receive affection.

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, itโ€™s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

10 Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy: Why Sheโ€™s the Best Girlfriend Youโ€™ll Ever Have

Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy

Dating a tomboy brings an exciting mix of fun, friendship, and romance. When youโ€™re dating a tomboy, youโ€™re in for a relationship thatโ€™s refreshingly different. Sheโ€™s someone whoโ€™s down-to-earth, ready for adventure, and brings out the best in everyone around her.

From shared hobbies to spontaneous plans, being with her is all about enjoying life without pretenses or drama.

If youโ€™re curious about what makes her such an amazing partner, here are 10 surprising perks that prove dating a tomboy might just be the best decision youโ€™ll ever make!

Related: 10 Things You Need To Know If Yo

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

For some people love doesnโ€™t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So hereโ€™s pebbling love language โ€“ inspired by penguins. Letโ€™s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What I

Up Next

Can TikTokโ€™s โ€˜Meeting Someone Twice Theoryโ€™ Really Lead To Love?

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory โ€“ is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

So letโ€™s learn how the universe