What is the best marriage advice you have ever gotten?
They say marriages are made in heaven, but what they donโt say is that you have to build that heaven. Sustaining a happy marriage is sometimes easier said than done.
The fact is, getting married is probably the easier part. The challenging part is to make sure that it lasts the test of time.
Ever wanted to hear from a trusted board of advisors on the topic of sustaining long-term love?
Well, youโre in luck.
I searched high and low to find thirty couples who had been happily married for over thirty years and asked them what one piece of advice they would give to anyone who is single and/or in a newer relationship, and the following is a compilation of highlights from what they had to say.
Side note: this is the second-longest itโs ever taken me to compile an article, so I sincerely hope you get something out of it (and the article that took the longest to create came out a few weeks ago).
Without further ado, here are thirty pieces of advice on love and life from couples who have been happily married for over thirty years.
Time Tested Love Advice From People Married 30+ Years
1. โDonโt keep score. Scorekeeping will absolutely ruin a marriage. And itโs impossible to do anyway. You canโt know all of the millions of little things your partner does for you, so keeping score is just an immature way of building up a case for you to justify your childish resentment.โ โ Dianna
2. โDonโt be afraid to be the one who loves more. Either for a phase of your relationship or overall. The point is what you give to the relationship, not what you get from it.โ โ John
3. โDo something every day that will give your partner a reason to be with you the next day.โ โ Allison
4. โSchedule sex. Just do it. It sounds boring and awful and like something old people need to do, but there are a growing amount of responsibilities in life, and sometimes you have to fight like hell to keep sex on the table.โ โ Samantha
5. โIt feels generous to say that I was happily married for more than thirty years because while I have been married for over thirty years, and I am currently extremely happy in my marriage, not all thirty of the years were completely blissful. Marriage is a sacred container that will bring up your deepest wounding, and this has been true in my relationship. So yes, long-term marital bliss is possible, but I would want to impress upon others the reality that it comes at a cost. And that cost is that you will have to look inwards and do some very honest, hard work. Donโt expect all sunshine and rainbows. Marriage is confronting stuff. And it is also worth it. I wouldnโt trade my husband for anything or anyone in the world.โ โ Kimberly
6.ย โHaving kids is hard work. Only do it if you love, trust, and respect your partner deeply. And always parent as a united front. Kids will test you endlessly and try to go behind your back to mix you up. Donโt let them. Stand your ground, and be your partnerโs #1 ally.โ โ Don
7. โSome people say โNever go to bed madโ. I couldnโt disagree more. I mean, sure, avoid it if you can. If you can squash an argument in a timely manner, then do it. But sometimes going to bed angry gives you an opportunity to bite your tongue in an appropriate way and then wake up with a clear head. Sometimes sleeping on it is the correct course of action.โ โ Ken
8. โAbove all else, I would say this: choose a kind partner. That is the most important thing I could impart to anyone who is earlier in their courtship. If you choose a kind partner, everything else is easier down the road.โ โ Susan
9. โKnow that compromise is inevitable in a multi-decade relationship. Maybe you want one kid and they want three. Or you want two cats and they want zero. There will be hundreds, if not thousands, of instances where one of you will have to acquiesce to the desires of the other. This is natural. Donโt avoid these conversations. Lean in, and focus on how much you get, overall, from being with this person.โ โ Joseph
10. โPay attention to the details. If she mentions she likes something or wants something, write it down so you know what to get her for her next birthday/Christmas gift. Plugin her phone at night so itโs always fully charged. Do the dishes without being asked and without drawing attention to it. Basically just be a good person, and give her your energy.โ โ Cam
11. โMake sex a priority. There may be short periods of your marriage where decreased sex is unavoidable (newborns, travel, start-ups, etc.), but consistently put energy into making sure that youโre sexually connecting with each other. Everything flows better when youโre making love at least on a weekly basis.โ โ Rebecca
12. โBe kind, put in the effort, donโt stress too much. If you picked the right person for you, itโll all work out for you in the end.โ โ James
13. โBe explicit about the roles that you both play in your household. My husband and I found a lot of relief indirectly naming who was expected to do most of the dishes (or laundry, or chauffeuring the kids around, or organizing dinners with friends, etc.). The more directly you talk about this stuff, the lower the likelihood that either of you will ever resent the other for doing/not doing what you secretly want them to be doing.โ โ Tess
14. โThe quality of your sex life will ebb and flow at different parts of your marriage. Donโt worry. Your marriage isnโt broken, or different. This is natural.โ โ Trevor
15. โSomething I wish someone had told me before I got married would be this: marry someone who is financially stable. Or, at least, not financially reckless. Thereโs so much stress that comes from not having your shared finances in order, and so much freedom and spaciousness that comes from having money sorted.โ โ Renata
16. โThe main thing I would want people to know is that they should talk about their sex life with their partner. My wife and I didnโt do this until well into our marriage (more than 15 years in), and I wish we had done it sooner. It really marked a new chapter in the depth of our relationship.โ โ Ray
17. โNothing will make your relationship flourish more than regularly meditating on the fact that your relationship is about growth above all else. If theyโre pissing you off, then thereโs something to learn there. If you have a difficult time bringing a specific emotion to them, then thatโs something to grow into. See it all like feedback, all of it as valuable, and all of it as being something for you to utilize and grow through.โ โ Mary
18. โBe more open to exploring sexually with your partner than you may have initially thought when you first came into the relationship. You can go so much deeper with a partner when youโve been with them for a long time versus how deep you may have gone with short term partners from before you were married. Itโs a completely different ballpark.โ โ Patrick
19. โRespect yourself and your partner enough to remain physically attractive for each other. Go to the gym, put on makeup, dress nice. Do whatever you need to do to keep putting in the effort.โ โ Janeen
20. โI would recommend that couples have an overarching policy of โYou can bring me any truth you need to, no matter how difficult it might be to bring to me.โ This policy can save you from so much pain, lost time, and wishy-washy mind reading.โ โ Hannah
21. โLet go of arguments quickly. Even if you know youโre right. It doesnโt matter. It just doesnโt matter. 99% of the things you fight about will be completely irrelevant, and itโs better to just let go and come back into harmony. Itโs a relationshipโฆ not a battle for your egos!โ โ Jessica
22. โMy wife and I have a little ritual that I imagine others could benefit from. Every day, whenever I come home from work, we always start off our conversation by answering the question โWhatโs the best thing that happened to you today?โ. We donโt do this because we gloss over the fact that we also have struggles or low daysโฆ but rather to simply be in the habit of starting with positivity. It helps us out a lot, and I always look forward to it.โ โ Renaldo
23. โSomething that my partner and I started doing over five years ago was we committed to engaging with each other sexually every day. Yes, literally every day! This doesnโt mean that we have penetration every day. Sometimes being sexual with each other means kissing each otherโs genitals goodnightโฆ or making out a little when he gets home from workโฆ or doing a few minutes of massage in the morning. Itโs our little way of keeping the sexual simmer alive in our marriage, and it has worked wonders for us.โ โ Beth
24. โEvery year of your relationship, even if you have children together, go for a 1-on-1 vacation together. Just the two of you, even if itโs only for 3 days. Itโs worth the effort.โ โ Charles
25. โPassion is a function of communication. If you arenโt regularly speaking truth to each other, and letting your individual inner worlds be known, then youโll just be going through the motions.โ โ Arlene
26. โWhat I would most want to impress upon people is acknowledging and accepting that there will be phases in your marriage. There can even be multi-year phases where it just isnโt as sparkly and magical as other phases. Maybe your career goes through a downturn and it affects your financial stability, or maybe one of you goes through a crisis of identity and doesnโt feel very sexual as a result because you donโt really know who you are anymore. And these very real, often predictable, life-y things will impact your marriage. But if you chose the right person and youโre both truly in it for the long haul, then these peaks and valleys will just add to your union.โ โ Yasmine
27. โOnly love is real. So when youโre engaging with your partner from a place that doesnโt have love tied into it, you arenโt really there at all. And that isnโt to say that anger canโt be simultaneously mixed with love, because it absolutely can. Every emotion can have a foundation of love underneath it. Just check in with yourself and remember to remain connected to your heart at all times.โ โ Jason
28. โAnother person canโt make you happy, but they sure can make you miserable. So take your time in choosing your partner. Hopefully, youโll only ever have to do it once.โ โ Delores
29. โMaintain separate friends and hobbies. Thereโs always the three entities: you, me, and the relationship. If you arenโt both cultivating friendships and hobbies outside of the relationship then youโll never have anything new to talk about. Having your own life outside of the relationship is so important in maintaining a sustained, beautiful romance.โ โ Sharice
30. โI would tell people to โGive yourselves the opportunity to miss each other.โ Once per year my husband and I each go on our own week-long trips with our closest friends. Him with his old high school buddies, and me with my tennis friends that Iโve known since I was in my 20โs. We each come back feeling refreshed and recharged, yes, but more importantly we get to have the experience of missing each other. The first few days of my trip Iโm happy to have space, but inevitably, by the last few days, I really truly tap into the sensations of missing him. And itโs always such a gift to reunite with each other when I get home. With this habit as an annual ritual, it keeps me that much more awake to the fact that I love this man deeply, and I know that he has a similar experience when he returns from his boysโ trip.โ โ Juliette
Aaaaaaand thatโs thirty!
I hope you enjoyed this article and got something out of it. I certainly got a lot out of compiling it.
There is so much love in the world, so much resilience, and so much depth. I was inspired by the amount of love and care that went into all of the contributions that I received, and I really enjoyed seeing the differences, and the overlap in peopleโs responses.
Thatโs it for me. I hope that you are well.
Marriage advice is very easy to come by, as everyone these days have an opinion on others and their lives. Even though any kind of marriage advice is welcome, you have to understand which ones are actually going to help you in the long run. At the end of the day, itโs your marriage, and you need to do what you think will help it.
Dedicated to your success,
Jordan
If you are interested in more marriage advice, then check out the video below:
Written by Jordan Gray
Originally appeared in Jordan Gray Consulting
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