When you want to shut down a narcissist, you need to act tactfully and must remain two steps ahead of the narcissist at all times. You need to have a proper strategy for dealing with their narcissist manipulation and must be proactive instead of being reactive.
When dealing with a narcissist, if you ever become emotionally invested then you will step right into their trap. They will suck you into the narcissistic black hole that will leave you feeling hurt, humiliated, confused, and doubting yourself.
In this post, Iโm going to be talking about narcissist manipulation in relationships and in the workplace. Iโll also tell you how to shut down a narcissist and disentangle yourself from them. More importantly, how to stop attracting them in the first place.
When we talk about narcissists there are many traits they have in common.
1. They can be extremely charming and charismatic.
2. Theyโre very self-obsessed.
3. They are compulsive liars.
4. They donโt take responsibility for their actions.
5. They can be parasitic fearless and intimidating.
6. They are arch emotional manipulators and they lack empathy or any remorse or feelings of guilt.
7. They can be callous, impulsive, vindictive and aggressive.
8. When you look at the differences between them and others, we talk a lot about a narcissistโs lack of empathy.
9. They do have a form of empathy.
Related: Micromanipulation: How Narcissists Use This As A Method of Control
Cognitive Empathy & Emotional Empathy
โA narcissist paints a picture of themselves as being the victim or innocent in all aspects. They will be offended by the truth. But what is done in the dark will come to light. Time has a way of showing peopleโs true colors.โ โย Karla Grimes
There are two types of empathy: Cognitive Empathy and Emotional Empathy.
When weโre born we donโt have any of the neurons connected with these in our brains. If you are whatโs known as an Empath, by the age of around four years old youโll have a whole bundle of them.
Empath Definition: what is it?
Empaths grow up to not only have Cognitive Empathy โ which is the basic, instinctive emotions like lust, anger, fear, or sexual impulses. But they also have Emotional Empathy โ which allows you to translate those base emotions to more appropriate feelings.
For example, base sexual impulses can become a deeper form of love, anger can be tempered. The rational, adult feelings and side of our brain can override those basic instincts. We often think that narcissists donโt have any empathy, but I want to clarify this further.
Narcissists have Cognitive Empathy. But they lack Emotional Empathy.
They may know they are different from other people. They can see that other people feel feelings, for example when they see a tragic event on TV.
Empaths
If an Empath is watching, they will feel the victimโs or other personโs pain. A narcissist can see Empaths can relate to othersโ feelings as their own.
The difference is they canโt. So they have to mimic it. They are brilliant at observing and reading people almost instantaneously. They are way better at it than us Empaths. If youโre sad they canโt feel what that feels like to feel your sadness. But they can observe you and then mirror it back to you. They act as though they feel those feelings but they donโt.
When you first meet a narcissist they are absolutely charming. Theyโre the best thing youโve ever met in your life. They think as you do, act as you do, speak as you do. They like the same things that you do because they study you.
Mirroring
They observe you and they mirror you. They basically reflect you back to yourself. Who you are and your ideal, dream person they have deciphered you want them to be. Essentially they are reflecting your own fantasy back to you.
They put on a mask and that mask is a reflection, a mirror of you. Your desires, your needs. Thatโs why we are convinced weโve found The One. Our perfect partner. You are swept off your feet.
โNobody can be kinder than the narcissist while you react to life on his terms.โ โย Elizabeth Bowen
Related: 5 Emotional Manipulation Tactics Covert Narcissists Use To Trap You In A Relationship
Narcissists At Work
This doesnโt just apply to relationships. It could be someone you interview for a job at your work. Theyโre brilliant in interviews because of how quickly they can read people. They tell you exactly what you want to hear.
Toxic Workplace
Narcissist bosses are a nightmare to work with. Youโll spot one by all those around them.
A harmonious workplace is one in which a boss fosters a community and you all lift each other and the company up as a whole.
A narcissist boss will do the opposite and be at the center of a toxic workplace. Theyโll play favorites and then rotate to different favorites, who are the best thing since sliced bread, whilst the others in their eyes are losers. Theyโll pit one person against the other. For example, theyโll tell you that Henry thinks this about you or Mary thinks youโre that. So, you start distrusting your colleagues, unsure of what they might say to the boss.
You all live in fear and keep your head down. You donโt want to get noticed because the other thing your boss may do is a public tearing down of you. This is where they ridicule you or make an example of you in front of all your colleagues. As I said working for a narcissistic boss and in a toxic workplace is a nightmare.
Theyโre also rubbish at strategy as they live moment to moment. Whatever their latest grand idea is, that will be the plan and youโll all have to scramble around trying to make it work before they pivot to their latest of-the-moment idea. If they themselves have a boss above them they manage up brilliantly.
Theyโre charming and give off the impression that all the people working under them are useless and if not for them saving the day it would be a disaster. The best thing to do if youโre unhappy in this toxic work environment is to leave the company.
However, there is one caveat to that.
Narcissist Smear Campaign
โThe narcissist devours people, consumes their output, and casts the empty, writhing shells aside.โ โย Sam Vaknin
You need to be careful because narcissists and psychopathic type people can be very vindictive and vengeful. They can turn on you and smear your reputation. They may even take a legal stance against you in an effort to win at all costs, which is their ultimate aim.
Be careful as you disentangle yourself not to get them offside. Plan your exit. Be the perfect employee. Keep your head down. Try to engage with them as little as possible and if you have to always stick to facts. Donโt have any emotion in anything you do or say. If youโre given instructions by them, always confirm it in writing.
If they ask you to do X and Y by this date, then email them to confirm that this is what they have asked you to do: X or Y by this date. Keep written records of everything in case you might need it later. If youโre going off to have job interviews do not get caught by them. Do not let them know youโre looking elsewhere and be the perfect, polite, respectful employee.
Flatter them even because theyโre self-obsessed and fall easily for flattery. Keep your enemy close. When you leave if you can make it as though itโs their idea, youโre doing them a favor. Youโre not inflicting a wound to their ego.
Related: The Bully Narcissist At Work: A Toolbox For Coping
Narcissist Relationship Patterns
โRelationship with a narcissist in a nutshell: You will go from being the perfect love of their life to nothing you do is ever good enough. You will give your everything and they will take it all and give you less and less in return. You will end up depleted, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and probably financially, and then get blamed for it.โ โย Bree Bonchay
Letโs look at narcissistic manipulation with intimate partners and narcissist relationship patterns.
- The same thing applies when you first meet them.
- Theyโre charming.
- They love bomb you and sweep you off your feet.
- They mirror back to you.
- What they are doing is studying you, observing you.
- Theyโre masters of manipulation and we make it really easy for them with our social media.
- They see what type of friends we like, what makes us happy.
- They can quickly read how they should act around us and what mask they should wear for you.
Want to know more about narcissist manipulation? Check this video out below!
Fantasy bond
They essentially know how to make you fall in love with their version of you. Itโs why it feels so right. In fact, they have probably targeted you like a tiger stalking its prey. Narcissists target people they detect they can manipulate because the ultimate game of a narcissist is to have total control over you. So they feel superior and better about themselves.
You are a possession to them and they believe they are entitled to control you.
Coercive control
โArguing with a narcissist is like getting arrested. Everything you saw can and will be used against youโ โ Unknown
They test your boundaries and how much they can manipulate you from the minute you meet them, using manipulative tactics like love bombing and mirroring. Theyโll test the waters to see whether youโll tolerate a bit of coercive control. For example, theyโll tell you they donโt like what youโre wearing and see if you change what youโre wearing for them. Or that they donโt like you doing X or Y to see if you change your behavior when they demand it.
Theyโll test and see if you are someone they can manipulate. If your boundaries just keep getting pushed down, they know youโre a safe bet. You can be a good narcissistic supply for them. Whether this is for the status you give them, wealth, a place to live, sex, or whatever it is they need.
Related: Manipulation Of The Charming Narcissist
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
They keep this mask and charm offensive up for as long as they feel they need to. For example, if you are still questioning their behavior and unsure. But once they know they have reeled you in and entangled you enough the mask will slip. The relationship will have moved very fast. They may have moved into your place because letโs face it, itโs usually them moving into yours.
Early on theyโll start to tell you theyโve hit hard times.
Can I borrow some money?
Only for now, of course, theyโll pay you back.
Can I move into your apartment?
Can I marry you?
You donโt love me if you donโt trust me enough to have a joint bank account!
The relationship accelerates rapidly. That is all part of the entanglement from which it becomes harder for you to leave them. Once theyโve got total control and they feel safe and secure the mask comes off.
Remember, they donโt have Emotional Empathy. They have to act as though they have these feelings. So, everything for them is a game. Itโs acting. Itโs a mask. You canโt keep this mask up for very long. Itโs difficult. Especially as they usually have one mask for you and a different one for others. They canโt remember the stories and lies theyโve told either.
Soon enough, youโll see the real them. The fantasy man or woman will have largely disappeared, except for when they have to bring them out again to stop you from leaving.
Narcissists canโt control their impulses. They will go into a narcissistic rage if they feel like theyโre losing power over you. In their mind, you and any children you both have are their possessions. They have the right to control you in any way they want. If you donโt behave, say you question their behavior, and try to set boundaries in place โ they will go into a narcissistic rage.
If you say: Iโm going to leave you.
The fear they will feel โ that they are losing control โ will make them extremely angry. They canโt control their basic impulses as we can. There will be two responses: theyโll either discard you. If they think they are absolutely going to lose control over you, they will dump you before you leave them. Or, theyโll abuse you.
Use more of those narcissist manipulative tactics to dominate you.
Narcissistic Abuse
Emotional abuse can then descend into physical abuse. Ultimately, they may even kill you. What happens to two women every week.
Narcissists give us these hard-luck stories, those โpoor Meโ stories to test who of us will try to rescue them, save them. Give them money, allow them to move in, fall pregnant to them, marry them, or whatever else they want from us. They know we can feel their pain.
We think poor thing. Thatโs awful what theyโve been through. We believe the fantasy, see the first mask they wore, the actor has conned us. The role they created was just a mirror of us. That was our fantasy and we keep that fantasy in our head even long after theyโve shown us who they really are.
The bottom line is youโre never going to get that fantasy. They canโt change even if they wanted to because they donโt know how to feel. They have no Cognitive Empathy. They can see other people have those feelings but they canโt feel them themselves. They wonโt change because they believe theyโre superior to us.
Guess what?
They feel superior because they know they can so easily manipulate all of us that do feel like we do. We are the ones whoโll feel responsible for them, sorry for them, and guilty if we leave them, even after their abuse. Abuse will only get worse.
Plan to leave, but plan to leave safely. Do not tell them: I am leaving you. You could trigger narcissistic rage. As I said, two women get killed every week and that is usually when in the process of leaving or shortly after doing so.
I need to point out here that men are victims too.
Related: 15 Phrases A Narcissist Uses To Compel You To Stay With Them
How To Shut Down A Narcissist?
This applies whether you:
- Have a child or children with a narcissistic ex.
- Have a narcissist colleague or boss in a job that you feel unwilling or unable to leave right now. (Although your long-term goal should be to find work in a different company or department).
- Have narcissist parents or family members who you will have to see occasionally at family events.
Narcissist supply
- Become a grey rock.
- Cut off their narcissist supply.
- So boring to them they get bored with you.
Whilst planning your safe exit, be sure to stay neutral. Try to observe their behavior and see it for what it is. Narcissist manipulation. Charm them, flatter their ego and make them believe you are being compliant with them.
But secretly take notes with times and dates or any unacceptable behavior. Keep a record because you may need this later, as they could start a legal battle, particularly over children. Set up your own bank account, squirrel money away. Find a new place or a shelter that you can escape to. Line up a job if you donโt have one already.
Get help and support. Pack a bag in case you have to leave sooner than expected and please do so if any abuse escalates, especially into physical violence. Store this and any important documents like passports, birth certificates, etc. with a trusted family member or friend that they do not know the address of. Plan to leave safely because they are vengeful and vindictive.
How to shut down a narcissist
โWithhold admiration from a narcissist and be disliked. Give it and be treated with indifference.โ โ Mason Cooley
Do not let them know that you have one upon them. But plan to get away from them without them finding out. Then if you have to engage with them, disengage as much as you possibly can. If you donโt have children with them or business together, then go cold turkey and cut all contact.
Block them on phones and social media. If you have to deal with them then only deal with them through a third party or on the very factual least-amount-of-words-possible basis. If there are children involved then use another person as the neutral go-between โ a lawyer or trusted family member or friend. If you canโt then donโt engage in any emotional discussion.
Always stick to the facts. I will meet you at this place at this time. I will expect you to return our child this time. Donโt engage in any emotion, whether itโs dealing with a narcissist at work or in a relationship. They will try to press your buttons to make you react emotionally. Because that tells them they still have control.
They will also use whatever you say back at you as a weapon to hurt you. For example, telling other people youโre the crazy one. Try to keep as far away and disengaged from them as you can.
They want to engage you, even negatively, as any engagement means you are still acting as supply to them. The most effective way to disarm a narcissist is to stay detached and disengage with them. Go no contact if possible. Narcissistic people want your attention. They want you to look at them. Then want you to hear them out. They want you to react.
Related: A Mid Range Narcissistโs Manipulation Tactic: โBut I can changeโ
As long as you give them attention, whether itโs loving or negative, they will be happy. Starve them of your attention and emotional reaction and watch how easily they fizzle out. Going no contact with a narcissist transfers the power into your hands as they will quickly shut down with zero attention from you.
Go grey rock. Disengage.
Written by Vivian McGrath Originally appeared on Vivian McGrath
Leave a Reply