When Emotional Abuse Makes You Feel Like Love Is Something You Have To Earn

“Do you think love is something you have to earn”?

I got asked that question and I sat there for a moment. Clearly, the answer was no. Love should be given freely, without expectations. Without rules or expectations. Without guilt. Without trying too hard.

Unconditional.

 

But in every relationship I found myself in, I found myself trying really hard to win them over. Trying really hard to prove it was their love I deserved or rather their love I had to earn.

I’d go for people who didn’t have feelings for me and I thought I could change their mind. So I’d find myself hung up for long periods of time over people only to realize love isn’t something you’re supposed to convince someone of.

 

Someone else’s love shouldn’t have been something I set out to prove I deserved.

The recurring theme of going after these people who would treat me well one day then completely switch personalities the next, love me one moment then scream at me the next, treat me well only to use that as blackmail to ignore me or emotionally abuse me like I was their punching bag.

It wasn’t just dating games and fucking with my head, there was something much deeper here I struggled to find the root of.

“Someone taught you to love is something they can give and take away when you mess up. As a result of the effect, it’s had on you is overcompensating to prove you deserve their love.”

I thought back to every extreme gesture I ever did for people. Was I doing it out of kindness or was I doing it out of desperation to try and win their love and prove I was worthy of it?

I looked back and these common themes hit me between the eyes. It wasn’t so much all guys but all the guys I was choosing as if winning over their love and proving I was worthy of it would come as an accomplishment in my life and validate my own self-worth.

I found myself fighting for people and fighting for relationships thinking I could change them if only I could convince them to love me.

 

Running in circles of almost relationships and falling for people who clearly didn’t care but I wanted them too, added fuel to a fire within me that derived from a lack of acceptance only to be validated in moments someone loved me.

 

It wasn’t a lack of self-love but rather a lack of understanding what love really meant that was the problem.

When someone is taught love is something they have to earn that gets engraved within them that at any moment it too can be taken away.

So people who have learned this the hard way tend to attract people who are wishy-washy about their feelings. Someone who plays games and messes with their head. Someone who has all the power and chooses to hold it over them.

 

It’s just as important to be taught what love is as well as it’s important to know what’s it’s not.

Love isn’t saying sorry after you get yelled at.

Love isn’t derived from fear and power.

Love comes bearing no threats or manipulation or blackmail.

Love does not knock you down even if they build you back up.

Love does not belittle you to make them feel better.

Love and control don’t go together.

Love does not critic you just so they feel better about their own flaws.

Love does not blame you for their actions or outburst.

Love does not blame you for everything.

 

When someone thinks love is something they have to earn it’s often emotional abuse which is the fundamental ground level of what will be an unstable person filled with unstable relationships in the future.

Do not feel guilty for a recurring theme of what might have been bad relationships in your past. Understand sometimes the things we learn aren’t right. But we can use that to learn what is.

Do not feel foolish if you’ve gravitated towards relationships where you’ve always been the one fighting.

What you can do from here though is start fighting for yourself.

Recognize the pattern and learn to change it.

 

Not getting the love you might have deserved in your life isn’t your fault but you do have the ability to choose who you love from here and I hope it’ll be someone who makes you realize what love actually is

Because love is unconditional.

Love is kind.

And the right love will meet you halfway teaching you everything you’ve ever had to give has always been enough, it’s just you always gave your best to the wrong people.


Written By Kirsten Corley

Follow Her Work On Facebook

You may also like

We Often Stay In Abusive Relationships Because of Trauma Bonding

You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

6 Common Signs You’re In An Abusive Relationship That Are Often Ignored

Narcissistic Relationships

“Is your relationship abusive?”

Why Romance Turns Toxic: The Psychology Behind Love & Relationships

The STRONG Emotional Reason Women Stay With An Abusive Partner

When Emotional Abuse Makes You Feel Like Love Is Something You Have To Earn

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love

Neurodivergent Love Languages

All minds are not wired the same way to express and show love. For those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, affection might look a bit different. Below are five neurodivergent love languages to help you understand love from a different perspective!

We know about Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages, but these languages aren’t designed for neurodiverse individuals – who express care and affection differently. Sometimes their loved ones don’t recognize how they share their feelings, or why they act like they do.

So, let’s take a look at ADHD and autistic love languages, which might take on different forms to show how they like to receive affection.

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, it’s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

10 Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy: Why She’s the Best Girlfriend You’ll Ever Have

Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy

Dating a tomboy brings an exciting mix of fun, friendship, and romance. When you’re dating a tomboy, you’re in for a relationship that’s refreshingly different. She’s someone who’s down-to-earth, ready for adventure, and brings out the best in everyone around her.

From shared hobbies to spontaneous plans, being with her is all about enjoying life without pretenses or drama.

If you’re curious about what makes her such an amazing partner, here are 10 surprising perks that prove dating a tomboy might just be the best decision you’ll ever make!

Related: 10 Things You Need To Know If Yo

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

For some people love doesn’t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So here’s pebbling love language – inspired by penguins. Let’s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What I

Up Next

Can TikTok’s ‘Meeting Someone Twice Theory’ Really Lead To Love?

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory – is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

So let’s learn how the universe