In todayโs world how to spot manipulation is an essential skill. But if you donโt have a keen radar for spotting deceptive tactics, then this article will surely help you out from being manipulated in the future!
We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics.
How to spot manipulation tactics?
Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality, itโs to achieve an ulterior motive. Other times, itโs veiled hostility, and when it becomesย abusive,ย the objective is merely power. You may not realize that youโre being intimidated.
Read 6 Diversion Tactics Used By Sociopaths, Narcissists and Psychopaths to Manipulate You Into Silence
Manipulative Tactics
Favorite weapons of manipulators are: guilt, complaining, comparing, lying, denying (including excuses and rationalizations), feigning ignorance, or innocence (the โWho me!?โ defense), blame, bribery, undermining, mind games, assumptions, โfoot-in-the-door,โ reversals, emotional blackmail, evasiveness, forgetting, fake concern, sympathy, apologies, flattery, and gifts and favors.
Manipulators often use guilt by saying directly or through implication, โAfter all Iโve done or you,โ or chronically behaving needy and or helpless. They may compare you negatively to someone else or rally imaginary allies to their cause, saying that, โEveryoneโ or โEven so and so thinks xyz,โ or โsays xyz about you.โ
Some manipulators deny promises, agreements, or conversations, or start an argument and blame you for something you didnโt do to get sympathy and power.
This approach can be used to break a date, promise, or agreement. Parents routinely manipulate with bribery โ everything from, โFinish your dinner to get dessert,โ to โNo video games until your homework is done.โ
Manipulators often voice assumptions about your intentions or beliefs and then react to them as if they were true in order to justify their feelings or actions, all the while denying what you said in the conversation.
They may act as if something has been agreed upon or decided when it hasnโt in order to ignore any input or objection you might have.
The โfoot-in-the-doorโ technique is making a small request that you agree to, which is followed by the real request. Itโs harder to say no because youโve already said yes. The reversal turns your words around to mean something you didnโt intend.
When you object, manipulators turn the tables on you so that theyโre the injured party. Now itโs about them and their complaints, and youโre on the defensive. Fake concern is sometimes used to undermine your decisions and confidence in the form of warnings or worry about you.
Read Eight Mental Abuse Tactics to watch out for
Emotional Blackmail
Emotional blackmail is abusive manipulation that may include the use of rage, intimidation, threats, shame, or guilt. Shaming you is a method to create self-doubt and make you feel insecure.
It can even be couched in a compliment: โIโm surprised that you of all people youโd stoop to that!โ A classic ploy is to frighten you with threats, anger, accusations, or dire warnings, such as, โAt your age, youโll never meet anyone else if you leave,โ or โThe grass isnโt any greener,โ or playing the victim: โIโll die without you.โ
Blackmailers may also frighten you with anger, so you sacrifice your needs and wants. If that doesnโt work, they sometimes suddenly switch to a lighter mood. Youโre so relieved that youโre willing to agree to whatever is asked.
They might bring up something you feel guilty or ashamed about from the past as leverage to threaten or shame you, such as, โIโll tell the children xyz if you do what I want.โ
Victims of blackmailers with certain personality disorders, such as borderline or narcissistic PD, are prone to experience a psychological FOG, which stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, an acronym created by Susan Forward.
The victim is made to feel afraid to cross the manipulator, feels obligated to comply with his or her request, and feels too guilty not to do so.
Shame and guilt can be used directly with put-downs or accusations that youโre โselfishโ (the worse vice to many codependents) or that โYou only think of yourself,โ โYou donโt care about me,โ or that โYou have it so easy.โ
Codependency
Codependents are rarely assertive. They may say whatever they think someone wants to hear to get along or be loved, but then later they do what they want. This is also passive-aggressive behavior.
Rather than answer a question that might lead to a confrontation, theyโre evasive, change the topic, or use blame and denial (including excuses and rationalizations), to avoid being wrong.
Because they find it so hard to say no, they may say yes, followed by complaints about how difficult accommodating the request will be. When confronted, codependents have difficulty accepting responsibility because of their deep shame.
Instead, they deny responsibility, and blame or make excuses or make empty apologies to keep the peace.
Read The Dark Triad Traits and How to Protect Yourself
They use charm and flattery and offer favours, help, and gifts to be accepted and loved. Criticism, guilt, and self-pity are also used to manipulate to get what they want: โWhy do you only think of yourself and never ask or help me with my problems? I helped you.โ Acting like a victim is a way to manipulate with guilt.
Addicts routinely deny, lie, and manipulate to protect their addiction. Their partners also manipulate for example, by hiding or diluting an addictโs drugs or alcohol or through other covert behaviour. They may also lie or tell half-truths to avoid confrontations or control the addictโs behavior.
Passive-aggression
Passive-aggressive behaviour can also be used to manipulate. When you have trouble saying no, you might agree to things you donโt want to, and then get your way by forgetting, being late, or doing it half-heartedly.
Typically,ย passive-aggressionย is a way of expressing hostility. Forgetting โon purposeโ conveniently avoids what you donโt want to do and gets back at your partner โ like forgetting to pick up your spouseโs clothes from the cleaners. Sometimes, this is done unconsciously, but itโs still a way of expressing anger. More hostile is offering deserts to your dieting partner.
Read Dealing With A Passive-Aggressive Partner
How to Handle Manipulators And Being Manipulated
The first step is to know whom youโre dealing with manipulators know your triggers! Study their tactics and learn their favorite weapons. Build your self-esteem and self-respect. This is your best defense!
Also, learn to be assertive and set boundaries. Readย How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limitsย or watch the webinarย How to Be Assertive.ย For techniques and scripts for dealing with difficult people, readย Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.
Contact me atย [emailย protected]ย to join my mailing list and receive a free report โ12 Strategies to Handle Manipulators.โ
ยฉDarleneLancer2014
Share your thoughts about how to spot manipulation tactics in the comments below!
Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT Originally appeared onย WhatIsCodependency.com
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