How To Spot Manipulation? Your Guide to Spotting and Stopping It

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In todayโ€™s world how to spot manipulation is an essential skill. But if you donโ€™t have a keen radar for spotting deceptive tactics, then this article will surely help you out from being manipulated in the future!

We all want to get our needs met, but manipulators use underhanded methods. Manipulation is a way to covertly influence someone with indirect, deceptive, or abusive tactics.

How to spot manipulation tactics?

Manipulation may seem benign or even friendly or flattering as if the person has your highest concern in mind, but in reality, itโ€™s to achieve an ulterior motive. Other times, itโ€™s veiled hostility, and when it becomesย abusive,ย the objective is merely power. You may not realize that youโ€™re being intimidated.

Read 6 Diversion Tactics Used By Sociopaths, Narcissists and Psychopaths to Manipulate You Into Silence

Manipulative Tactics

Favorite weapons of manipulators are: guilt, complaining, comparing, lying, denying (including excuses and rationalizations), feigning ignorance, or innocence (the โ€œWho me!?โ€ defense), blame, bribery, undermining, mind games, assumptions, โ€œfoot-in-the-door,โ€ reversals, emotional blackmail, evasiveness, forgetting, fake concern, sympathy, apologies, flattery, and gifts and favors.

how to spot manipulation

Manipulators often use guilt by saying directly or through implication, โ€œAfter all Iโ€™ve done or you,โ€ or chronically behaving needy and or helpless. They may compare you negatively to someone else or rally imaginary allies to their cause, saying that, โ€œEveryoneโ€ or โ€œEven so and so thinks xyz,โ€ or โ€œsays xyz about you.โ€

Some manipulators deny promises, agreements, or conversations, or start an argument and blame you for something you didnโ€™t do to get sympathy and power.

This approach can be used to break a date, promise, or agreement. Parents routinely manipulate with bribery โ€“ everything from, โ€œFinish your dinner to get dessert,โ€ to โ€œNo video games until your homework is done.โ€

Manipulators often voice assumptions about your intentions or beliefs and then react to them as if they were true in order to justify their feelings or actions, all the while denying what you said in the conversation.

They may act as if something has been agreed upon or decided when it hasnโ€™t in order to ignore any input or objection you might have.

The โ€œfoot-in-the-doorโ€ technique is making a small request that you agree to, which is followed by the real request. Itโ€™s harder to say no because youโ€™ve already said yes. The reversal turns your words around to mean something you didnโ€™t intend.

When you object, manipulators turn the tables on you so that theyโ€™re the injured party. Now itโ€™s about them and their complaints, and youโ€™re on the defensive. Fake concern is sometimes used to undermine your decisions and confidence in the form of warnings or worry about you.

Read Eight Mental Abuse Tactics to watch out for

Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is abusive manipulation that may include the use of rage, intimidation, threats, shame, or guilt. Shaming you is a method to create self-doubt and make you feel insecure.

It can even be couched in a compliment: โ€œIโ€™m surprised that you of all people youโ€™d stoop to that!โ€ A classic ploy is to frighten you with threats, anger, accusations, or dire warnings, such as, โ€œAt your age, youโ€™ll never meet anyone else if you leave,โ€ or โ€œThe grass isnโ€™t any greener,โ€ or playing the victim: โ€œIโ€™ll die without you.โ€

Blackmailers may also frighten you with anger, so you sacrifice your needs and wants. If that doesnโ€™t work, they sometimes suddenly switch to a lighter mood. Youโ€™re so relieved that youโ€™re willing to agree to whatever is asked.

They might bring up something you feel guilty or ashamed about from the past as leverage to threaten or shame you, such as, โ€œIโ€™ll tell the children xyz if you do what I want.โ€

Victims of blackmailers with certain personality disorders, such as borderline or narcissistic PD, are prone to experience a psychological FOG, which stands for Fear, Obligation, and Guilt, an acronym created by Susan Forward.

The victim is made to feel afraid to cross the manipulator, feels obligated to comply with his or her request, and feels too guilty not to do so.

Shame and guilt can be used directly with put-downs or accusations that youโ€™re โ€œselfishโ€ (the worse vice to many codependents) or that โ€œYou only think of yourself,โ€ โ€œYou donโ€™t care about me,โ€ or that โ€œYou have it so easy.โ€

dysfunction  and manipulation

Codependency

Codependents are rarely assertive. They may say whatever they think someone wants to hear to get along or be loved, but then later they do what they want. This is also passive-aggressive behavior.

Rather than answer a question that might lead to a confrontation, theyโ€™re evasive, change the topic, or use blame and denial (including excuses and rationalizations), to avoid being wrong.

Because they find it so hard to say no, they may say yes, followed by complaints about how difficult accommodating the request will be. When confronted, codependents have difficulty accepting responsibility because of their deep shame.

Instead, they deny responsibility, and blame or make excuses or make empty apologies to keep the peace.

Read The Dark Triad Traits and How to Protect Yourself

They use charm and flattery and offer favours, help, and gifts to be accepted and loved. Criticism, guilt, and self-pity are also used to manipulate to get what they want: โ€œWhy do you only think of yourself and never ask or help me with my problems? I helped you.โ€ Acting like a victim is a way to manipulate with guilt.

Addicts routinely deny, lie, and manipulate to protect their addiction. Their partners also manipulate for example, by hiding or diluting an addictโ€™s drugs or alcohol or through other covert behaviour. They may also lie or tell half-truths to avoid confrontations or control the addictโ€™s behavior.

Passive-aggression

Passive-aggressive behaviour can also be used to manipulate. When you have trouble saying no, you might agree to things you donโ€™t want to, and then get your way by forgetting, being late, or doing it half-heartedly.

Typically,ย passive-aggressionย is a way of expressing hostility. Forgetting โ€œon purposeโ€ conveniently avoids what you donโ€™t want to do and gets back at your partner โ€“ like forgetting to pick up your spouseโ€™s clothes from the cleaners. Sometimes, this is done unconsciously, but itโ€™s still a way of expressing anger. More hostile is offering deserts to your dieting partner.

Read Dealing With A Passive-Aggressive Partner

How to Handle Manipulators And Being Manipulated

The first step is to know whom youโ€™re dealing with manipulators know your triggers! Study their tactics and learn their favorite weapons. Build your self-esteem and self-respect. This is your best defense!

Also, learn to be assertive and set boundaries. Readย How to Speak Your Mind: Become Assertive and Set Limitsย or watch the webinarย How to Be Assertive.ย For techniques and scripts for dealing with difficult people, readย Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.

Contact me atย [emailย protected]ย to join my mailing list and receive a free report โ€œ12 Strategies to Handle Manipulators.โ€

ยฉDarleneLancer2014

Share your thoughts about how to spot manipulation tactics in the comments below!


Written by Darlene Lancer JD, MFT
Originally appeared onย WhatIsCodependency.com
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