When it comes to finding the right person and the right relationship, one thing you should always avoid doing is becoming attached to someone too soon. If youโre someone who has the tendency of getting attached to someone too quickly, then you need to slow down and think about what youโre doing.
Key Points
- Becoming attached to someone early on only to have them end the relationship can be a painful experience.
- To avoid becoming attached to a new partner too fast, it can be helpful to learn the difference between attraction and compatibility.
- It can also be valuable to identify red flags such as wanting to move to the next stage of the relationship too quickly.
Youโve been out with him three times now, and things are going really well! Youโre ready to take it to the next level, and youโre thinking about all the fun things the two of you will do together in the future. On your fourth date, you haveย sex, and itโs amazing! Youโre high with endorphins and happier than youโve been in a long timeโฆ.
Fast forward two weeks. Heโs not texting you as much and you donโt understand why. Youโve asked him if everything is ok, and he says yes, things have just been busier lately. You try to wait for him to text you and ask you out again. But he doesnโt, so you text him, and sooner or later he stops responding altogether. Youโre left with no closure, no idea what happened, and youโre spending all of your mental energy on trying to figure it out.
Related: 11 Ways You Can Avoid Rushing In Love Too Soon
Even though you only went out three times, you felt very attached to him. Losing him feels like a big loss. You had intimate experiences, you trusted him, and you were imagining all the amazing things you were going to do together in the future. Youโre feeling the loss of his presence, hisย attention, the excitement, and the loss of the future you were so hopeful about.
First of all, this is a truly painful experience. You may be tempted to blame yourself for not being good enough for him. Or, you may beat yourself up for not saying the right thing. The truth is, that person behaved that way because of whoย heย is, not because of whoย youย are or anything you did. Take yourย anger, and put it on him because he hurt you and he deserves to take responsibility for his actions.
Second of all, with the right knowledge and skills, you can stop going through this for good. There are reasons youโre getting too attached too soon, and he isnโt. Learning the following relational skills can empower you on your dating journey.
These tips will teach you how to stop getting attached too soon, so you can stop wasting time on the wrong men and find the right one sooner.
3 Ways To Stop Yourself From Becoming Attached To Someone Too Soon
1. Donโt confuse attraction with connection or compatibility.
Things felt fun, exciting, and sexy. You flirtedโฆ he flirtedโฆ you felt desiredโฆ attractedโฆ conversation flowed and it felt easy. So, naturally, you assumed you must have potential together as a couple. And thatโs where you made the mistake of confusingย attractionย with connection and compatibility.
That initial attraction and excitement has nothing to do with who you both really are because you donโt know each other yet. Until you know each other, thereโs no reason to think youโre compatible no matter how sexy he is, how good he looks on paper, or how good he makes you feel.
It takes time to see who he is and what heโs about. Donโt get attached to his attention and the excitement. Donโt confuse how his attention makes you feel and who he is. Take the time to get to know him, and see if heโs worth getting attached to.
Related: Emotional Attachment: 5 Reasons Why You Get Attached Too Soon
2. Know the red flags.
If he starts out hot and heavy with attention andย flirtationย before he gets to know you, itโs a red flag. If you want a serious, committed, healthy relationship, look for someone who understands that relationships take time to develop. Look for someone who is interested in getting to know you before they act like theyโre super into you. That behavior is the behavior youโre working to stop engaging with (see tip #1).
When you see it in someone else, move on. Typically that behavior leads to sex, followed by a sudden drop in texting and effort, as you may have already experienced. If the guy falls off the planet after you have sex, heโs not emotionally available or compatible. Or considerate and respectful.
If you take the time to get to know him, youโll find that out before you have sex, and you can move on to someone else sooner.
3. If you get attached when you have sex, donโt have sex until youโre both attached.
If youโd like to be someone who has sex and doesnโt feel anything for your partner afterward, but youโre not that person, itโs time to own it. And to be honest, thatโs a lot of people. Having sex without any feelings for the person is not necessarily something to strive for, though many women received the message that strong women should do that. Many strong women have sex and have feelings, and thatโs a great thing. Having feelings takes strength.
If you get attached to someone after you have sex with them, stop having sex before youโre both attached to each other. If you want to be cared for after you have sex with someone, donโt have sex until you know he cares about you. Otherwise, youโre expecting care from someone who doesnโt care yet.
If you want to be exclusive before you have sex, donโt have sex until youโre exclusive. Expect him to honor your wishes, and donโt compromise. The right guy will be happy to respect what you need and want, and you can weed out the wrong guys who push back on your boundaries.
Getting attached to someone too soon can happen when you donโt have the dating and relationship skills you need. Attempting to navigate the dating world without these skills and without the right support is like trying to survive in a jungle with no way to get food, cook food, get water, stay safe, etc.
Related: 7 Reasons You Should Never Fall Into An Instant Relationship
When it comes to dating, thereโs a lot you donโt know that you donโt know. If youโre struggling to find the right person and move forward with your life, you probably need moreย educationย and skills. Seek support, and never give up on yourย dreams.
Youโre worthy of the love you long for. Put in the inner healing work, and when you find the healthy, loving relationship you dream of, youโll be overjoyed that you did the hard work to get there.
Written By Caitlin Cantor Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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