Dating is tough. We all can agree that looking for the one you wish to spend your life with can be draining and exhausting. This is why, it is best that you put all that focus and effort into loving and finding yourself.
Itโs easy to see why dating gets a bad rap.
Dating can be intimidating. It can be exhausting. It can be overwhelming if youโre unfamiliar with the latest dating app, or youโre simply not interested in โswiping rightโ. It might feel superficial and vacuous, or like itโs just a numbers game.
Maybe youโre healing from a breakup, or youโre realizing itโs time to โget back out thereโ, but you have a certain level of resistance or feeling of dread. Youโre not alone.
Oftentimes, when the clients I work with have a hard time reentering the dating world, whatโs happening, perhaps unconsciously, is that they are placing a whole lot of pressure onto themselves, the other person, and the whole process, making it a miserable experience.
What I see is that many of my clients have an unspoken hope that they meet a Magic Person who will solve a problem for them, or fix their lives in some way. They have donned their rucksack and walking stick and are on the Heroโs quest to find The One.
The sole purpose of dating when approached through this angle is to find that person to spend the rest of their lives with. And at one level this mindset is completely valid โwhy else would you be dating if not to meet that special person?
The downside of this approach is it sets up a dynamic where 99% are going to fail, and that kind of zero-sum game might feel debilitating after a while. It may begin to feel like a Herculean task to sift through a mound of people to find the One and Only. Itโs easy to see how one might lose hope or throw in the towel.
Another downside of viewing dating through that lens is that youโre probably not being totally yourself if youโve got your binoculars out, looking for the One. With all the vetting and judging, checking boxes, and analyzing you might be doing, you are also likely bringing along your own Representative, in hopes that you make the best of impressions and meet the criteria you think the other person has for you. And that in itself can be a tough and exhausting charade to keep up.
But here is where Iโd like to introduce a new way of looking at the whole thing of dating, where maybe itโs possible to find some enjoyment in the process instead of suffering through it.
Read Secrets to Finding True Love: 10 Things You Should Know
What If You Stop Looking For The One?
So, letโs start with this simple question: What if you drop the idea that youโre dating to find the One?
What if you use dating as a practice to finally be yourself?
What if, instead of thinking about it from a goal-oriented perspective, you think instead about how you would like the process to feel? What are some emotions you would like to replace the dread with? Excitement? Curiosity? Openness?
Then, what would your intention with dating have to be if you wanted to feel this way or create those feelings?
What if your intention was just to go out and have fun? Can you switch the underlying question from โis this my person?โ to โhow can I have fun?โ How can you come away from this experience with a good story, or some new insight or a widened perspective?
Or, what if we used the dating process as an opportunity to work on our communication skills? A date is a wonderful and low-risk arena to practice boundaries, communicate your feelings, or work on keeping the dialogue alive. So at the end of the day, a second or third date actually doesnโt matter. As long as the time was interesting, it was a win.
Read 12 Reasons Why Old Souls Have a Hard Time Finding True Love
What if we used dating as a platform to develop self psycho-spiritually? You could view every person you meet as an entire universe waiting to be cracked open by the quality of your questions. They come with a whole history behind them, as well as hopes and dreams and new perspectives that could potentially widen and enrich your own worldview.
Very different than suffering through just to get to the other side of coupledom, isnโt it?
Ultimately, the more you can relish the gift of being single and the exploration process of dating with gratitude, the more likely it is youโll bring excitement and positive emotions to the experience, and actually meet someone who will knock your socks off.
Why? Because your ability to enjoy exactly where youโre at at the moment is what youโre presenting to a potential partner, and if youโre having fun and being yourself without bringing along your Representative, youโre attractive. But if youโre presenting criticism, and merely tolerating the experience of โyet another date that probably wonโt go anywhereโ, that too comes through, and guess what โ itโs not attractive.
How has this landed for you? Can you relate to these ideas? If youโre ready to take that next step and dip a toe back into the dating pond but feel like you need to clear out some negative perceptions around the experience or yourself, send me an email at [emailย protected]. Iโd love to hear whatโs real for you with this.
Written by: Clayton Olson
Originally appeared on: claytonolsoncoaching.com and is republished here with permission.
Claytonย Olsonย is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator. He delivers private virtual coaching sessions and leads online group workshops. Register for his free webinar that reveals theย 3 Keys to Attracting and Keeping a High-Quality Manย or grab his free guideย 5ย Secrets To Create A Rock Solid Relationship.ย ย
Leave a Reply