The Masculinity Myth: Why Men Need To Accept Their Femininity

A man is more empowered in his masculinity when he cultivates his feminine.

โ€œMasculine pride is an exceedingly precious and fragile thing.โ€ โ€“ Loretta Chase

The Feminine In The Masculine

โ€œThe feminine in a man?โ€ A big burly man says. His massive biceps dwarf his muscle shirt, as he lifts at the gym. โ€œHa, you got to be kidding me. Next thing you know, youโ€™ll be asking me to be join the knitting club.โ€

โ€œThat manly man ainโ€™t so manly,โ€ another man says, โ€œif heโ€™s afraid of his heart.โ€

Ok, you guys, break it up. Letโ€™s talk here. The feminine in the masculine. Whatโ€™s that mean?

Most guys say, I donโ€™t know. Yet, guys who have done some work on themselves say, itโ€™s being in touch with your emotions. True, and thereโ€™s more.

Fear, anger, sadness, joy. Those are the basics. Not so easy for a man to access.

โ€œWhat are you feeling?โ€ I ask Jason, my client.

โ€œWell, Iโ€™m frustrated. My wife is insisting that we go to her parents for Christmas. She knows I always feel picked on by her mother. I donโ€™t want to go andโ€ฆโ€

โ€œJason, what are you feeling?โ€ I say. He looks at me, annoyed. โ€œFrustrated is not a feeling. Itโ€™s a state of being. What is the emotion behind the frustration?โ€

He takes a breath and continues. โ€œItโ€™s just, I donโ€™t want the holidays to be a shitshow, like they were last year. Whyโ€™s she asking meโ€ฆ.?โ€

Heโ€™s back in his head.

A man who canโ€™t access basic feelings is stuck in a compromised state. He can only be so strong as a man. He can only be so strong in his masculine.

โ€œIt is not what he has, or even what he does which expresses the worth of a man, but what he is.โ€ โ€“ Henri-Frederic Amiel

Any man who stays in this place for too long will notice that most of his relationships are compromised โ€“ with his partner, his kids, his parents, siblings, etc.

He is often told by his partner that heโ€™s emotionally absent.

Told that heโ€™s not enough. And as a result, he feels diminished in his masculinity โ€” his ability to be strong, capable, and directed.

The paradox is this.

A man is more empowered in his masculinity when he cultivates his feminine.

And that begins with his ability to feel his emotions. When he canโ€™t feel his emotions, they come out sideways inโ€ฆ

โ€ฆrage
โ€ฆviolence
โ€ฆimpotence
โ€ฆnumbness
โ€ฆand self-destruction (drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc).

The statistics are staggering.

In response to the emotionally sideways man, most women leave. Yes, 70% of divorces today are initiated by women. And itโ€™s as high as 90% for college-educated women.

Dudes, itโ€™s a new world. Women arenโ€™t taking our shit anymore.

Today, the relationship is the super-currency to happiness. Your marriage or partnership is an external manifestation of the currency you traffic in. And the backer is your relationship with yourself.

Your ability to work with your hooks and triggers.
To feel your emotions.
To bring your masculine to the feminine.
And ultimately, to own, master, and be self-responsible with your emotions.

Read What are Your Divine Feminine and Masculine Creative Energies?

Until you do so, you will naively believe all your emotions, especially if you canโ€™t feel them. And they will run you from the unconscious. You canโ€™t master what you canโ€™t see.

The new male warrior of the world is the relational master. Relationships dictate everything โ€“ his work, his friends, his family.

The relational master partners with a woman who is his equal. He has his tribe of allies. And he does business with those who can meet him at his level.

His self-relationship is his compass for all his relationships. He ascribes to the old age truism, inscribed on the Delphi Temple millennia ago โ€“ Know Thyself. Today his greatest challenge and most critical endeavor is โ€ฆ Know Thy Heart.

Yet the climb to such mastery is steep.

Ken Wilber, integral theory pioneer and acclaimed philosopher said, a man has been trained, for thousands of years, in two instincts โ€“ F*ck it or Kill it. For a woman, it was one instinct โ€“ Relate to it.

And so it is menโ€ฆ weโ€™re on a massive evolutionary uphill climb today. Only in the last 50 years have we been asked for more than two instincts. And that more is this โ€” to be relational, which starts with knowing what you feel.

But to add insult to injury, we have to do this uphill climb in The Man Box, and no less daunting, with an empowered post-feminist woman.

Masculinity

Observe Exhibit A: The Man Box.

An emotional box that a male is caged into as a boy, often as early as age 3, restricting the range of acceptable emotions heโ€™s allowed to access. (For more on the Man Box, check out โ€œThe Mask You Live Inโ€.)

In this construct, only one emotion is allowed โ€“ Anger. Not permitted are fear, sadness, and joy. This wreaks havoc on a boy, positioning him to grow up and be in few healthy, empowered adult relationships.

โ€œGod made man stronger but not necessarily more intelligent. He gave women intuition and femininity. And, used properly, that combination easily jumbles the brain of any man Iโ€™ve ever met.โ€ โ€“ Farrah Fawcett

Men, letโ€™s get real, this is warrior work; to do it, we must look at the dark places within ourselves that were once prohibited. To see what the caged monsters of fear, sadness, and yes, even joy, have to offer us โ€” keys to defusing the all too prevalent male anger.

Accessing the feminine in the masculine is far from sissy work, as the hyper-masculinized bodybuilder above would have you think. It is more difficult than any physical training a man can undertake.

Iโ€™ve heard many a combat vet, fresh from Iraq or Afghanistan, say it took more courage to get emotionally healthy than to have fought on the actual physical battlefield. The mission is often not clear within.

โ€œJason, what are you feeling?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t fuckinโ€™ know. I already said. Frustrated.โ€

โ€œIโ€™d say youโ€™re feeling anger.โ€

In time, we get to his sadness.

But for now, we keep working on it. Eventually, he reports feeling less fragmented, and more comfortable asserting his masculine gifts.

His wife no longer asks, โ€œWhereโ€™s the Man in my man?โ€

Read 3 Things You Need To Do To Be A Real Man


Written by Stuart Motola
Originally appeared in Stuart Motola

Hereโ€™s an interesting video that you may find helpful:

Accept your emotions

Recognizing and acknowledging your emotions is not a punishable offence despite what society and decades of programming may have you believe. The feminine energy inside of men is sacred. It is not something that should be ignored or overlooked. Rather all men need to identify and accept it as an essential part of their authentic selves.ย 

Your femininity completes your masculinity. Tapping into your range of emotions will not make you weak or appear less manly. Instead, it will make you feel empowered and help you understand who truly areโ€ฆ a real MAN!

The Masculinity Myth: Why Men Need To Accept Their Femininity

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