My abusive husband never told me what I should wear, but I ended up avoiding the clothes he didnโt like anyway. This is how coercive control worksโฆ
One day, I came to the kitchen wearing a black blouse. My husband screwed up his face and asked me why I was wearing black (he believed it was the color of evil).
He said I looked ugly in that blouse and that he didnโt like it. I told him that was fine, he didnโt have to wear it.
Then he brought our 5-year-old son into the room. โMummy doesnโt look good in black, does she?โ he asked our child. Looking at his father and knowing very well that itโs best to agree, he nodded. โYes, black is not a nice color mummy,โ he told me.Fuming that heโd involve our child, I told him he was not to comment on my clothes again, nor involve our child. And that set him offโฆHe lectured me for 2 hours on how I should work on my reactions to improve myself, how he has a right to give his views, and so on. In total, the discussion about the blouse lasted 3 hours.
A month later, I was choosing my outfit, and I went to reach for my black blouse, but then I hesitated. Was it worth the hassle? Did I really have the energy to go through all that again? I decided I didnโt and I chose something else.
And this is exactly how coercive control works. You learn to choose the easier option just to keep the peace and avoid the negative consequences.
And bit by bit you fall in line with how they want you to be, until eventually there is no part of you left. Everything about โyouโ is exactly how they want it.
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