What would you do in this situation: You bring up something that bothers you about your relationship, but your partner doesnโt take your relationship complaints seriously.
So you try bringing it up again or hinting that it still bothers you, andย you eitherย encounter another dismissive response or your partner makes minor/temporary efforts but soon slips back into old habits. Would you bring it up a third time? What aboutย a fourth?
One of the most common causes of long-term relationship breakups is when one member of a coupleย stopsย complaining about something that really matters to them because her or his previous complaints have been ignored. They might stop complaining, but because the issue remains, they continue to accumulate resentments and/or to drift emotionally until theย relationship is in full crisis.
When the other partner realizes the entire relationship is now under threat, they feel totally blindsided, โBut you havenโt mentioned this for months! How was I supposed to know it bothered you so much?โ
โI told you over and over,โ is the typical response, โbut you didnโt do anything.โ
โBecause you stopped complaining about it, so I thought things were okay!โ
Of course, by then things are very much not okay. So much so that it is often difficult to save the relationship, even if authentic efforts to address the situation are finally made.
Read: How To Navigate The Stages of Love and Build A Healthy Relationship
To be clear, few ignored complaints are important or meaningful enough to cause a breakup, but some are. In more than 20 years of working with couples, Iโve identified three kinds of what I callย โhigh-risk complaintsโ โ ones that are most likely to cause relationship erosion if they are habitually ignored.
3 Common Relationship Complaints You Should Never Ignore
1. Frustrations aboutย sex.
Complaints about not having enough sex or feeling unsatisfied with their currentย sex livesย is a very common relationship complaint andย one that is typically voicedย many times in one form or another (some subtle, some more overt).
When the otherย partner makes only minor and short-lived efforts or, more commonly, responds with excuses, dismissiveness, or minimizing, it can cause a realย emotional wound, because of the nature and frequency of the rejection it causes.
Every night going to bed and nothing happens will feel like a stinging rejection, one that impacts mood andย self-esteem, as well as other aspects of emotionalย health. (See โ10 Surprising Facts about Rejection.โ) In order to protect their feelings and self-esteem, they are likely to withdraw emotionally, and over time, the emotional gulf that gets created becomes impossible to reverse.
ย ย ย ย Thereforeโฆย When your partner voices sexual frustrations or concerns, take them seriously. Discuss them honestly, work on finding mutually satisfying resolutions, follow-up, deliver on promises, and if youโre stuck, get educated โ thereโs lots of info out there about this issue. And remember, if your partner used to voice sexual complaints and stopped, it by no means guarantees they are no longer upset about it orย affected by it โ they probably are.
Read: 8 Daily Practices That Build a Strong Romantic Relationship
2. Clashes with in-laws.
Marriageย involves the formation of a new family unit (even if there are no children) that becomes aย priorityย in terms of loyalties and obligations. When in-lawsย createย conflict (e.g., the in-law has an overtly hostile or critical attitude; ignores and shuns;ย or disrespectsย boundaries, for example, by ignoring requests to check beforeย unscheduled drop-ins), it is up to the other partner to set limits with his or herย parents.
Not doing so and ignoring the complaint or minimizing it erodes feelings of loyalty and safety, and can lead to an early breakup or a tense and unsatisfactory marriage.
ย ย ย ย Thereforeโฆย As difficult as it is to set limits with parents who might feel offended or betrayed by such actions, if the boundaries are reasonable and clear, most in-laws learn to respect them in time.
Keep in mind that they are likely toย test the boundaries first, soย it is important to address any violations and reinforce theย stated expectations. The most effective way to do this is to respond to the very first violation (testing of the limits), as failing to do so will make the boundary violations and clashes continue.
Read:10 Signs Youโre The Toxic Partner In Your Relationship
3. Technoference.
Our phones and tablets areย doorways to the world, but inย relationships, they function more like walls than doors. Iโve previously written about how devices can significantly interfere with relationships (read about โTechnoferenceโ). Studies found that higher levels of technoference were associated with greater relationship conflict and lower relationship satisfaction, as well as depressive symptoms and lower life satisfaction.
ย ย ย ย Thereforeโฆย Create device-free times (e.g., during dinner or after 9 p.m.) and zones (e.g., the bedroom or restaurants).
When our partner voices a concern, we should always listen and take it seriously, especially when it involves a complaint in the high-risk category. Responding calmly and fairly isnโt always easy, but it will increase both relationship satisfaction and longevity.
In Print:
Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts
Written by Guy Winch
Originally appeared on Psychology Today.com
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