Men are complex. One day they may shower you with love, while the very next day they may seem withdrawn. So when your man asks for some space, it may be rather confusing for you. However, giving him what he wants might be the best thing you can do. It will not only help him see how confident and secure you are in the relationship, but it will also give him the opportunity to pursue you.
So when your boyfriend wants space, you should give space.
A reader wonders how to give a man space and whether space will work to bring him closer.
โHi, Elizabeth,
Iโm really confused about something my boyfriend said and I was hoping you could help. After a wonderful weekend together, I didnโt hear from him like normal on Monday (we usually text every day) so I texted him on Tuesday. I asked what happened on Mondayโ and he told me he needs space. He really hurt my feelings.
He still texted me first for the rest of the week. I didnโt bring anything up with him because after he told me that, I got scared he was pulling away and didnโt know what to do. We usually see each other every weekend and he hasnโt made plans.
How do I give him space? Does he wanting space mean heโs pulling away or losing interest in me and our relationship??โ
Okay, Iโve been EXACTLY where you are and I know how crappy and vulnerable you feel right now, especially after you had such closeness going on before he told you that he wanted space to figure out what he wants.
Related: Healthy Boundaries: How To Protect Your Personal Space
What youโre going through is really common. After an intense time of closeness, healthy men need space.
Just the same, when a guy says, โgive me spaceโ it can mean a lot of different things. It can feel confusing and hurtful. I get it.
Letโs go over why men need space and then what to do when he asks for space.
Also, some readers might wonder what to do when a man wants space during a breakup. Iโve included that too.
Letโs do this.
Why Men Need Space
โA healthy relationship is built on unwavering trust.โ โ Beau Mirchoff
A manโs need for space can feel confusing and hurtful. It feels like rejection.
It can feel like heโs saying that the close time you spent together didnโt matter to him, or he didnโt enjoy it. When we get close to a man, we want that closeness to continue the same way so we feel safe and secure in the relationship.
When a man experiences this kind of intense closeness with a woman, he enjoys it for a while, but it eventually raises his anxiety levels.
This is why men withdraw after they have spent a lot of intense time with a woman who they feel close to. They need a breather to get back to equilibrium.
A manโs natural process of coming close to a woman and then stepping back before coming close again is completely normal for him.
For women, closeness represents emotional security. And chemically, we can handle a steady dose of it, so the fact that it doesnโt work for him feels like veiled rejection. The real problems begin when we take his need for space personally and start trying to force closeness or fix it. All of these โsolutionsโ imply there is a problem.
What NOT To Do When A Guy Wants Space
โAssumptions are the termites of relationships.โ โ Henry Winkler
Donโt automatically take his asking for space personally.
Donโt plot with your girlfriends about how to bring him closer when he clearly wants time away from you.
Donโt obsess about his reasons for wanting space or repeatedly ask him whatโs wrong. If you feel you absolutely must, you can ask him if something is wrong once. If he says โnothing,โ drop it and let him come to you if he wants to talk about things.
I have personally sabotaged relationships by freaking out and trying desperately to bring a man closer when all I really should have done was given him space to figure out what he wanted. I understand the tendency to worry when it feels like he is pulling away. However, how you handle his need for space is absolutely crucial.
Guys donโt usually even consciously realize they need space until you either complain that heโs distant or he feels completely suffocated. If you push him for more closeness, it will make him feel like his natural impulses are wrong and you will accidentally drive him away.
Thatโs why drawing attention to the fact that heโs become a little bit harder to connect with lately will only hurt you. Heโll start thinking you are the problem!
This is how men get spooked and pull away for good!
I donโt mean you should walk on eggshells with him either. While he has his alone time, just go about your own business as usual. My favorite strategy for when a man pulls away is to pause, distract and manage my emotions.
Related: 3 Reasons Why Men Pull Away: Why A Guy Might Say He Needs Space
How To Give A Man Space
โTrue love is usually the most inconvenient kind.โ โย Kiera Cass, The Selection
Simple (but NOT easy). Give him as much time and space as he wants.
Back away and immerse yourself in your own hobbies, goals, and life. The more emotionally centered you can stay at all timesโ not just when you feel close to himโ the better your relationship (and life) will be.
Getting upset when a man takes time to himself is a huge sign that you need to nurture yourself. Enjoy your time and freedom while youโre away from him.
If you confront him about backing off when you havenโt done anything wrong, he will get a needy, dependent vibe from you and youโll get even less closeness.
Does The Fact That He Told Me He Wants Space Mean That Heโs Losing Interest In Your Relationship?
Iโll be honest. The fact that he had to actually speak the words, โI want spaceโ isnโt a good sign, but it definitely doesnโt have to mean that your relationship is doomed.
When it comes to wanting alone time, men usually use their actions before their words. This is because most guys older than 22 have had a woman confront them about โnot spending enough time togetherโ at some point in their relationship history. If he tried to say what he actually wantedโ time to himselfโ it is most likely that the person he was with freaked out and tried to use logic and reason to talk him out of wanting distance.
That made him feel even more wrong and smothered!
So, it might feel like he is distancing himself by taking more time with his friends, working a lot or otherwise staying away from you. Thatโs why when a guy needs space, heโll suddenly become more difficult to reach, either because it seems like heโs screening your calls and texts or because heโs suddenly busy a lot.
Thatโs why trying to talk about why he wants space usually results in him angrily shutting down and going further away! The very act of talking about โspaceโ makes him feel even more claustrophobic and determined to get away from you.
Luckily, your relationship might be salvageable depending on how you act right now.
Keep in mind that when a man says he needs space, heโs telling you that right now his needs arenโt being metโ either because heโs not getting something he wants in his life as a whole OR because you and he have spent so much time together that he needs time to recharge.
Luckily, to at least get started meeting his needs, all you have to do is back off and give him the time to figure out what he wants!
Up until now, he has probably already tried to show you through distancing action that he wants a little alone time and youโve either confronted him about it or repeatedly pushed for more than he wants to give. You can turn this around, but youโve got to back way off and let him come to you.
โIf a relationship is to evolve it must go through a series of endings.โ โ Lisa Moriyama
Related: What it Means to Hold Space for Someone
Let Him Come To You
Donโt keep checking on how heโs doing. He may rejoin you when heโs ready as long as you can maintain emotional detachment about the whole situation and not force him to come closer or have deep discussions about the relationship.
Space in relationships is a little like stretching a rubber band. He will eventually snap back and come close again as long as you donโt release the tension by chasing him. Just do your thing and remember: He is not a pot that you are bringing to a boil.
He must decide on his own to come out of his hole. The more you push for his attention, the more heโll resist your pressure, and the worse you will both feel about each other and your relationship.
How Long Should You Give A Man Space?
If your guy has asked for space either by distancing himself or telling you explicitly he needs space to think about things, you should give him as long as he needs.
Generally, the more intense things have been between the two of you, the more of a breather he might need.
When He Needs Space After Breaking Up
โIn reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.โ โ Anthony Robbins
Up until this point Iโve been talking about how to give a man space when youโre either dating or in a relationship with him.
That was about good, healthy space and letting your man recharge. If youโre still together, give him that good space whenever he wants it.
If he has broken up with you and given you the โI need spaceโ line as part of the breakup speech, I have some real talk for you.
He could have told you that he wants space.
He could have told you that he wants to date Jennifer the bartender.
He could have said that heโs feeling conflicted right now and canโt get his shit together.
Hear me now: The fact that he told you he wants space does not matter.
Do not tell yourself that giving him space now means that there is hope for your relationship in the future.
I donโt want to break your heart, but when a man says he wants space during a breakup, thatโs a gentle way of telling you he wants โforever spaceโ to live without you.
You must leave him alone. Go no contact with him. Leave him in the dust to miss you. Donโt wait around, hoping that the situation will change or that heโll forget that he dumped you after he โfinds himself.โ
Related: 16 Signs The Two Of You Are Meant To Be Together
Consider the relationship over and move on.
In the future, reflect on whether or not you might have been a tad clingy and donโt do that with the next guy. Lick your wounds, tie up your unfinished business and leave him alone.
Have you been asking yourself what you did that made him create distance? Weirdly, men are just as emotional as women. I know it sounds strange but itโs true.
The problem is that men arenโt as emotional as often.
When they experience feelings that they donโt understand, they tend to pull away from a woman while they sort it out for themselves.
Written by Elizabeth Stone Originally appeared in Attract The One
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