Why You Should Never Jump Into A New Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse

 / 

, ,

You might be undergoing a lot of emotional distress after ending relationship with a narcissist. But, if you are trying to jump into a new relationship after narcissistic abuse, then hold on.

The Wheel of Abuse

Not all abusive relationships involve physical abuse. Emotional and mental abuse can be every bit as damaging, and sometimes more so.

A new friend of mine (a survivor of several abusive relationships with narcs) and I were talking on Facebook. Rather than try to paraphrase, Iโ€™ll quote her directlyโ€“and then give my own opinions.

New Relationship

Friend:

โ€œI realized he [her malignant narcissist ex-boyfriend who sheโ€™s still in minimal contact with but who is still trying to gaslight her and get her attention by stalking her on Facebook] did everything on that wheel except for the Economic abuse. He started to subtle test the boundariesโ€ฆand realized I wasnโ€™t game. Although I believe he probably still believes Iโ€™ll contact him again. Itโ€™s amazing, [Lauren.]

The more time your away, they stronger you feel. Your self-esteem comes back slowly. I get those frightened moments when I think my new boyfriend will just Abandoned me out of nowhere. I understand why the Psychopathic free support group did not recommend a relationship right away. They know you suffer from PTSD from the aftermath of this abuse. Itโ€™s difficult. I find myself having dark flashbacks. I also believe you have to be careful and choosy about your women friends and surround yourself with only kind people. We are fragile and vulnerable after this abuse.

Related: 8 Signs You Are Ready For A New Relationship

My replyย (My original reply was shortโ€“I embellished it when I wrote this post. I hope my friend sees it).

These are all great points. It makes sense to stay out of relationships if youโ€™ve just escaped from an abusive one because of the PTSD you probably have or even worse problems such as major depressionโ€“you need time to find yourself and work on yourself.

You need time to be selfish and not have to answer to anyone because youโ€™ve been giving, giving and giving some more with nothing to show for it in return.

Related: Why Itโ€™s So Hard To Forgive Yourself And Trust Again After A Toxic Relationship

Weโ€™re mentally and emotionally exhausted and need time to recover, just as if weโ€™re recovering from any illness. We need to not have to be responsible for someone elseโ€™s welfare or self-esteem or happiness for a while before taking the plunge into a new relationship.

We need to take care of ourselves and find out who we areโ€“whether that means going to therapy, writing a journal, turning that journal into a public spectacle like a blog or video diary, taking up martial arts, yoga, or finding God.

Related: How it Feels Like to Live With Trauma Post An Abusive Relationship

We need time to heal.

Jumping into any new relationship after narcissistic abuseโ€“even with a non-narcโ€“when youโ€™re this vulnerable is almost guaranteed to fail and retard you in your self-growth, and if youโ€™ve been attracted to another narcissistic abuser (which is common in co-dependent, PTSD and Borderline women), you may wind up much worse when all is said and done.

Weโ€™re like addicts. Narcs need their narcissistic supply; we codependents need our narcs.

Letโ€™s face it: Narcissistic suitors (male or female)โ€“at firstโ€“make us feel alive, vital and fulfill our wildest romantic and sexual fantasies (when they are trying to trap you as their prey). In a weakened state like PTSD or depression, your judgment is not going to be great and you re going to be VERY suggestible.

Most likely, youโ€™ll also become unconsciously attracted to a romantic partner who reminds you of the narc you just left (or who left you). He made sure you canโ€™t forget him easily, even if he was terribly cruel at the end.

Also, we tend to be attracted to the same type of person anyway. So if youโ€™re usually or always attracted to narcissists, then most likely your taste is not going to change.

Getting involved too early after the end of a relationship with a narcissist is dangerous. Even with a non-narcissist, old patterns will still come up and you will be hypervigilant and suspicious of your new partner, causing them confusion and eventual discord.

Related: The Honest Truth About Life After A Toxic Relationship

If youโ€™re falling for a non-narc, thatโ€™s a good sign, but if you just left an abusive relationship, please wait. Envision a giant red STOP sign.

Be friends instead. Nowโ€™s not the time to get involved beyond that level. If you met someone who truly cares for you, they wonโ€™t mind waiting a while and being friends with you.

If youโ€™re already falling hard for someone, I know itโ€™s going to be really hard to resist the pull of a new romance. Itโ€™s a powerful force, built into normally-wired peopleโ€™s genes.

But remember, even though it feels like the most exciting, heady, intoxicating rush you ever felt, that feeling wonโ€™t last: what you feel is infatuation, a crushโ€“actually caused by changes in the brain that act like a euphoric drug. Thatโ€™s really what it boils down to.

Related: Things To Remember When You Meet a Good Guy After The Wrong One

Infatuation so soon or new relationship after narcissistic abuse is really just a form of transference onto a phantom โ€œtherapistโ€ [the person you are infatuated with] when you are at your most vulnerable. Youโ€™re looking for someone to rescue you.

There is no Prince Charming. A love relationship cannot rescue you from yourself, your memories, or your PTSD. By its nature, it canโ€™t. You are the only one who can make you well, with the help of therapists, counsellors or another other trusted person who is not involved sexually or romantically with you.

So be patient, wait until you heal yourself and feel more confident. Then if you fall in love, dive in and enjoy itโ€“and with any luck, it might turn into the real thing.

Thank you to Mary Pranzatelli for this idea.


Written by Lauren Bennett
Originally appeared on Lucky Otterโ€™s Haven

Why You Should Never Jump Into A New Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse
Why You Should Never Jump Into New Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse Pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

How to Respond to a Manipulative Apology: 7 Ways You Can Turn the Tables on Emotional Manipulation

Ways to Handle a Manipulative Apology

Manipulative apologies are tricky; they sound like remorse but actually aim to shift blame, guilt-trip, or control the situation. Learning how to respond to a manipulative apology is crucial to maintaining emotional balance and protecting your well-being.

Always remember that apology without change is manipulative, and the quicker you realize that, the better it will be for you and emotional well-being.

Letโ€™s dive into what is a manipulative apology, how does a narcissist apologize and how to respond to a manipulative apology, so that you can handle these situations with confidence, and not get caught in an emotional trap.

Related:

Up Next

9 Malignant Narcissist Traits That Scream โ€˜Stay Away!โ€™

Malignant Narcissist Traits That Scream Stay Away

Ever met someone who just seemed a little too… intense? Maybe they needed control, demanded admiration, or seemed to enjoy making others uncomfortable? These arenโ€™t just common personality flaws โ€“ these are actually malignant narcissist traits.

Spotting these traits can help you steer clear of the emotional roller coaster that follows such people around. Weโ€™ll dive into exactly what is a malignant narcissist, the warning signs to watch out for, and how to deal with a malignant narcissist.

So, let’s get started shall we? We will begin with what is a malignant narcissist.

Related:

Up Next

What Is Child Abuse? Recognizing The Warning Signs

Child abuse and neglect is a very sensitive subject that needs to be handled with care.

One canโ€™t really associate a state like this with just bruises. There is emotional, as well as physical exploitation. Also, for a little kid to heal or recover from it, the earlier one spots the signs of it, the better it is.

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or itโ€™s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, weโ€™re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults โ€“ those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

Are Adult Temper Tantrums Dangerous? Recognizing and Addressing the Risks

Adult temper tantrums can be really unpredictable and you never know which direction they might take. This article is going to discuss the dangers of temper tantrums in adults, so that you know how to protect yourself.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

KEY POINTS

Adult temp

Up Next

Spotting Emotional Neglect In Childhood: 8 Important Clues

Anyone who has been through emotional neglect in childhood knows that it never leaves you; it haunts you for the rest of your life. Itโ€™s like an invisible wound, that may not leave invisible scars, but it can shape you in ways you might not even notice.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Maybe it was the feeling that somethingโ€™s missing from your childhood, but you cou

Up Next

Romantic Manipulation: 10 Subtle Phrases To Watch Out For

Romantic manipulation is sneaky, and it can creep into a relationships without either person fully realizing it. We have all heard those phrases that sound sweet or caring but leaves a bitter aftertaste, making us second-guess our feelings.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Manipulative partners often have a way with words, twisting them to control or belittle. So, are yo