Think of your relationship as a quest? Every choice adds or subtracts from your Emotional Bank Account. Let’s learn how to shape lasting connection.
Building and sustaining healthy intimate relationships.
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Key points
- The emotional bank account is a metaphorical measure of health and connection within intimate relationships.
- Deposits and withdrawals occur through positive and negative relational interactions.
- A depleted emotional bank account leads to decreased relational trust and efficacy.
The emotional bank account is a metaphorical measure of the relational health and emotional connection within intimate relationships. Deposits are put into the emotional bank account through positive relational interactions, whereas withdrawals are taken out through negative relational interactions. For a relationship to thrive, there must be a sufficient balance in the emotional bank account through repeated deposits. When the emotional bank account is depleted through withdrawals or a lack of deposits, the relationship suffers.
Deposits and Withdrawals
Research from the Gottman Institute describes bids for connection as any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or positive connection. When a partner turns toward and responds to their partner’s bid, this is a simple way to make a deposit into the emotional bank account. If, however, the partner turns away from the bid for connection because they either miss or reject the bid, this leads to a withdrawal from the emotional bank account.
Jenny and Peter have been dating for several months. Jenny turns to Peter and says, “I made popcorn. Let’s watch that movie my parents told us about. I think you’d really like it.”
A deposit in the emotional bank account would look like Peter snuggling up to Jenny as he says, “Thanks, I can’t wait!”
A withdrawal from the emotional bank account could look like Peter having his head in his phone, not noticing Jenny’s attempt to connect. Or, Peter could reject the bid, “What?! I don’t want to watch that. You can watch it. I’m going to go do something else.”
Turning toward mirrors and reaffirms a prioritization for connection, thus depositing into the emotional bank account. Missing or rejecting a bid, depending on the severity of the perceived negativity, will lead to varying levels of withdrawals from the emotional bank account.
Love languages, the ways people receive and give expressions of love, is another concept that can help partners recognize ways they can be intentional about relational interactions that will benefit the emotional bank account. Love languages include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch.
Importantly, each person within an intimate relationship can have a different preferred method for receiving love. Consequently, snuggling on the couch might be experienced as a larger deposit for one partner, whereas verbal affirmations might be experienced as a larger deposit for the other partner.
Therefore, partners must know what the other needs so they can put efforts into relational interactions that will make meaningful contributions to the emotional bank account.
Finally, an important consideration for heterosexual relationships is that women tend to perform a greater share of the emotional labor in their romantic relationships compared to their male partners (i.e., women disproportionately maintain the emotional bank account). Gender inequalities in this way can have negative effects on women’s well-being, decreasing relationship satisfaction and increasing relationship conflict.
Why Is the Emotional Bank Account Important?
When the emotional bank account has accumulated deposits, partners have increased relational trust and see their partner from a more positive perspective. Also, partners have more relationship efficacy and, therefore, can have difficult discussions.
When conflict occurs—a withdrawal from the emotional bank account—the withdrawal is less detrimental because of the high initial balance. Furthermore, conflicts are easier to repair because partners have a more positive relational perspective.
However, when couples have a depleted emotional bank account, they tend to see their partner and relationship from a more negative perspective. As such, even a neutral interaction can be perceived negatively, and partners may avoid difficult discussions because of a lack of trust in their ability to manage conflict.
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Additionally, when conflict occurs—a withdrawal from the emotional bank account—this withdrawal feels significant because it depletes the already low balance to dangerous levels, perhaps even into the red.
Written by Rachel Diamond, Ph.D., LMFT, PMH-C
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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