A relationship ofย coercive control can leave a deep damaging impression on oneโs mind. While being physically free is easy, but healing emotionally and mentally is not really a very short process. But at the same time, it isnโt impossible for recovery to happen after a controlling relationship.
It takes a long timeย to recover from an abusive and controlling relationship. Being monitored, isolated, stalked, and abused leaves its mark. Below are suggestions for people who have left a relationship ofย coercive control. Peopleย whoย are still in such a relationshipย shouldย seek help from aย domestic violenceย advocate, even if there is no physical violence.
But beyond the break-upโbefore they can feel completely well againโvictims/survivors need to focus onย recovering.ย Iโve organized these suggested activitiesย under the acronymย RECOVERY.ย
Here Is How You Can Recover From A Controlling Relationship
1. Reclaiming activities that had beenย blocked by the abuser.
For instance,ย Sharonโs partner did not want her to go on walks alone. After separating, she felt a wave of liberation every time she laced up her walking shoes.
2. Embodying.ย
Being kind to oneโs body by becoming physically active and eating well helps a person feel better all around. In a controlling relationship, many people become alienated from their physical selves.
For instance, Patย had no choice about when to engage inย sexย nor about what food to prepare for the family.ย Walking, yoga, dancing, lifting weights, stretching, bopping to the radioโall these can help survivors feel their vitality again.
Related: Finding Peace After A Toxic Relationship
3. Connecting with family,ย friends, and supportive professionals.ย
Abusers deliberatelyย separate their victims from others. Reconnecting with their social circleย helps survivors regain support and a sense of themselves.
Abbyโs husband made it difficult for her to visit her parents and complained every time she was on the phone with friends. Over time, she grew more and more dependent on himย for all her social contactย and herย self-esteemย plummeted. After their separation, Abby discovered that her loved ones were eager to spend time with her again.ย
Psychotherapistsย also provide importantย supportย for survivors and help themย face the challenges ahead. To be effective with survivors,ย therapists must understandย the concept of coercive controlโwhich isย still a new idea to many.
4. Organizingย time and physical space can help a person feelย lessย overwhelmed.
After Katrina moved out with her children, all the possessions she had been able to grab were in plastic bags and she despaired of ever feeling โnormalโ again.
Arranging her belongings into labeled boxes in her shelter roomย helped her feel more settled.ย She noticed that her children responded positively to aย moreย orderly living space,ย too.ย Aย daily routine also helps organize oneโs emotional life.
5. Verbalizing.
Sharing the trueย story of the relationshipโin ways that feel rightโcan be empowering. Some survivors start by keeping a diary where theyย can be honest with themselves. Then they speak with selected friends and family who they know will be supportive. Telling oneโs trueย storyย helps survivorsย cope with theirย feelingsย and may also have positive practical effects.
For instance, when Carla explained her home situation,ย her boss became much firmerย about denying her ex access to theย workplace and not givingย him any information over the phone regarding Carlaโsย whereabouts.
Related Recovery From Abusive Relationships: How Long Does It Take?
6. Expressing oneself creatively.
Dancing.ย Drawing.ย Gardening.ย Singing.ย Many victims shut down creatively during a coercive control relationship, busily attending to their partnerโs every demand. Releasing oneโsย creative side can beย a step on the path to recovery.
When her abusive relationship ended, Chrisย began drawing cartoons and then repainted her apartment with vibrant colors. She loved choosing the paintย herself andโroom by roomโasย she wielded the roller she felt as if she was covering over bad memories and reclaimingย the space as โhersโ in a new way.
7. Remembering.
Some survivors compileย a list of the controlling incidents that theyย experienced. The list helps themย appreciate what theyโve been throughย and realize their own strength. They can take pride in the courage theyย showed, and look forward to a full life as a free person.
Greg kept a list on his computer. He added to it as he remembered abusive incidents. After a few months, he printed and read the listย and began to appreciate how completely he had been subject to his partnerโs control. Reviewing the list fortified hisย gratitudeย for beingย free and his determination not to allow himself to fall back into the relationship again.
8. You.
Survivors need to learn to put themselves at the center of their lives. After structuringย their timeย around theย abusersโ demands, it can be difficult for survivors even to remember their own opinions and wishes. Abusers convince their victims that their opinions are stupid and wrong, leading victims to change the way they view themselves and the world.ย
Starkย (2007)ย has referred to this elimination of a victimโs perspective in a coercive control relationship as โperspecticide.โ Survivorsย often hear the abuserโs critical voiceย in their heads. It is important to learn to replace that voice with a kind one.
When Maria finally persuadedย her boyfriend to move out, at first she felt lost without him. She felt as if she wasnโt herself andย couldnโt remember how she had once lived without her boyfriendโs constant demands and presence.
Over time, she rediscovered her own opinions and began to re-engageย in hobbies that she had once loved. She began to enjoyย spending time by herself and with friends and family, without having to check constantly forย her boyfriendโs approval.
Related: 5 Things I Did To Heal from an Abusive Relationship
It is natural for survivors to feelย fearย and regret from time to time. Looking ahead will give them hope.ย It is usually best for survivors to separate themselvesย as much as possible from the controlling person and his contacts, so theyย cannot be controlled or monitored through someone else (Of course, this will take a different kind of planning if theyย share young children).
Survivors can look forward to a fulfilling life after ending aย Coercive Control relationship. Recovery does not happen overnightย but with timeโit does happen.
For more information about Coercive Control, check out these books:
Fontes, L. A. (2015).ย Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationshipย Stark, E. (2007). Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life
Written By Lisa Aronson Fontes Originally Appeared In Psychology Today
Trying to recover from a controlling relationship does not happen in the blink of an eye โ it takes a lot of time to move on from all that toxicity and trauma. Donโt be too hard on yourself, and take one day at a time. Give yourself time, and treat yourself with kindness, and eventually, you will be able to go back to being the person you were before.
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