Hereโs why narcissist deflates happiness of his or her partnerโฆ
Why so many partners with NPD ignore or sabotage their mateโs successes.
Written by Dr. Elinor Greenberg
I am often asked some version of the following question: โWhy canโt my mate ever be happy for me when I have a success, or when I am pleased about something?ย It seems like every time I feel great and try to tell my mate about it, instead of joining me and saying something complimentary, my partner says or does something that deflates me.โ
This type of insensitivity is common in relationships where one partner is extremely self-involved, competitive, orย envious.ย It also can be a red flag for something more serious.ย People who routinely deflate their mateโsย happinessย often qualify for a diagnosis ofย narcissistic personality disorder.ย When this is the case, it can be an early sign that more active abuse will occur later in the relationship.
Note: I am using the terms narcissist andย narcissisticย as shorthand for someone who qualifies for a diagnosis of narcissisticย personality disorder.
Here is a typical example:
Barry:ย I am beyond happy. I just discovered that I passed my licensing exam with flying colors. I am thrilled. I got one of the highest grades!
Jill:ย Did you bring the car in for servicing like you said you would?
Barry:ย Wait! Donโt I even get a โCongratulations, I am happy for youโ?
Jill:ย We all knew you would pass. Whatโs the big deal? I need the car tomorrow. You promised you would take care of it.
So, why does a narcissist deflates your happiness? It is usually due to some combination of the following reasons:
1. Narcissists lack emotionalย empathy.ย
A lack of emotional empathy means that seeing someone elseโeven a person that they claim to loveโexcited and happy does not make them feel good inside. Narcissistic partner could not care less, which makes him or her careless with their words.
Related: What You Should Know about Narcissists, NPD and their Partners
In the above example, Jill has a narcissisticย personalityย disorder and is not capable of sharing her mateโs joy.ย It actually does not even occur to her that supporting her mateโs good feelings would be an appropriate response.
2. Narcissists suffer from โone-mindedness.โย
This means that people with NPD can only see things from their own viewpoint. Not only that, they see all other points of view as wrong. They always want their partner to be on the same page as them: their page. Whatever they are focused on at the moment is on their mind much more important than anything you care about. It is out of this one-mindedness, narcissist deflates your happiness.
Related: Why Narcissists Twist The Truth: Logical Explanation
From Jillโs narcissistic point of view, nothing could be more important than her priority of getting their car serviced immediately.ย As it is the most important thing to her, she literally cannot understand how something else could be a priority for Barry.ย The only conclusion that she can reach is that Barry is wrong.
3. Narcissists are competitive.ย
Narcissists are always comparing themselves to other people. Their shakyย self-esteemย can make it painful for them to see other people succeed. They may brag about their partnerโs success to other people as a form of narcissistic supplies. However, praising their partner face-to-face can make them feel as if they are admitting that their partner is somehow better than them.
Related: Are Narcissists Predictable? The Playbook They Use To Manipulate You
Jill has a hard time being supportive of anything that might make Barry think he is better than her.ย She cannot grasp that Barry is not competing with her.ย But this will not stop her from bragging to her friends about how smart Barry is and that he passed with one of the highest grades.ย In fact, when Jill tells the story, she will claim that Barry actually got the highest grade of everyone.ย
4. Narcissists suffer from envy.ย
It can be hard for people with NPD to applaud their partnerโs successes because they wish it were them getting the praise. Narcissistic partners are likely to experience envy whenever someone else does something special. This is why your partner narcissist deflates your happiness.
Related: 3 Dead Giveaways Of How Narcissists Act In Romantic Relationships
Jill is very conflicted about every success that Barry has in life.ย On one hand, she enjoys the financial fruits of his successes, and on the other hand, she wishes it were her having success and not Barry. Barryโs joy stimulates her envy.ย
She thinks: โWhy does he get to be happier than me?โย
5. Narcissists are hierarchical.ย
You can think of a narcissistic partner as having an immensely tall invisible ladder in the mind. That ladder only has room for one person at a time on each rung.
It represents status on those attributes the narcissist considers very, very important.
There are only two places other people can be on this ladderย vis a visย the narcissist: above them or below them.
Narcissists idealize those above them on the ladder and devalue those below them. If someone on their way up in status tries to be on the same rung as the narcissist, there will be a dominance fight initiated by the narcissist until one of them becomes the clear winner. The winner gets the rung and the loser goes down a rung in status.
Related: Are Narcissists Evil? Or Are They Just Helpless?
Every time Barry has success, he moves up the status ladder in Jillโs mind. He and she are still quite close in status.ย This automatically stimulates Jillโsย fearย of being surpassed, which then leads her to unconsciously ignore or devalue Barryโs achievements.
Punchline:ย
When the narcissistโs partner has a win or even just finds something besides the narcissist extremely pleasurable, it is a potentially threatening situation for the narcissist. It can arouseย envy, fear of being surpassed, a potential loss of the mateโsย own dominant status, or simply be seen as unimportant.
If you find this post helpful, leave a comment below. Also, feel free to share it with your friends and loved ones trapped by narcissistic partner.
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Written by: Elinor Greenberg
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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