10 Kinds Of Negative Thinking That Can Poison Your Relationship

There are some subtle things that every couple does in their relationship that chip away at their happiness. You might not always realize it, but certain kinds of negative thinking can poison your relationship to a huge extent.

According to recent census data, 39% of marriages end inย divorce. And many unmarried intimate relationships fail, devolving into bitterness and conflict. Some relationships are more doomed than others when our lizard brain (or surviveย brain) dwarfs our thrive brain (or โ€œthinking brainโ€). If youโ€™re like most people, chances are youโ€™ve interacted with your partner through one or more harmful โ€˜lizard brainโ€™ reactions without realizing it.

10 Kinds Of Negative Thinking That Can Poison Your Relationship

1. Jumping to Conclusions.ย 

We convince ourselves we know what our partner is thinking or feeling and make up stories about situations without evidence. We project our own thoughts and feelings based on our beliefs, not facts. We might sayย something like, โ€œYou obviously donโ€™t like this new outfit because you havenโ€™t said a word.โ€ Or we might say, โ€œI can tell youโ€™re angry with me because Iโ€™m late.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย You can sidestep this lizard brain reaction by reminding yourself that your assumptions are not the truth. You can check out the facts before making conclusions to save a lot of unnecessary friction with your partner. โ€œDo you like my new outfit?โ€ Or ask what your partner is feeling: โ€œAre you angry with me because Iโ€™m late?โ€

Related: 10 Silly Habits That Seem Insignificant But Slowly Ruin Relationships

2.ย Catastrophic Forecasting.

You forecast the worst possible outcome of a situation without evidence. Even when facts contradict your negative belief, you continue to predict things will turn out badly. โ€œThereโ€™s no use in putting a bid in on that house. Weโ€™ll never get a loan.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย When you catch yourself worrying over something that hasnโ€™t happened, identify your negative prediction. Then ask yourself, โ€œWhereโ€™s the evidence for this conclusion?โ€ And instead of making a negative conclusion, ask your mate, โ€œDo you think we will qualify for the house?โ€ Perhaps he/she has a more positive outlook that the two of you can share.

3.ย All-or-Nothing Criticisms.

You categorize life into the extremes of black and white and blind yourself to the shades of gray, where truth usually lies. You criticize your partnerโ€™s behaviors or habits with extremes: โ€œYou always pile dirty dishes in the sink instead of putting them in the dishwasher.โ€ Or โ€œYou never listen to me when I try to communicate with you.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย Listen for times when you use words like always, all, everybody, either-or, nobody, never, or none. To reverse this lizard brain reaction, try using, โ€œWhen you โ€ฆ I feel โ€ฆโ€ to communicate how a certain action makes you feel: โ€œWhen you continue to pile dirty dishes in the sink, I feel like my requests donโ€™t matter to you.โ€

poison your relationship

4.ย Labeling.

Labels are for cans or jars, but we often label our partner with negative attributes: โ€œYouโ€™re mean and selfish.โ€ When he/she makes a mistake, you speak as if your partner is the mistake: โ€œYouโ€™re such a klutz.โ€ You smack on a negative label because of one incident instead of looking at the entire picture.ย 

Takeaway: To dodge this trespass, look at the big picture and try to be moreย forgiving. We all have slip-ups, forget, or have accidents. Step back and speak of yourself, using โ€œI-messagesโ€ instead of โ€œYou-messagesโ€: โ€œIโ€™m uncomfortable with how weโ€™re talking; Iโ€™d like to take a time out and come back when weโ€™re calmer.โ€ When you refer to your own feelings (I-messages) instead of pointing your finger (You-messages), it reduces defensiveness and tension and promotes open dialogue.

5.ย Blaming.

You blame your main squeeze for a negative scenario, overlooking your part in an outcome: โ€œItโ€™s your fault the car broke down; If you had taken it in for service, this wouldnโ€™t have happened,โ€ or โ€œI took your advice, and spoke to the babysitter, and she quit. Itโ€™s all your fault.โ€ย 

Takeaway: Ask yourself if youโ€™re blaming someone for something youโ€™re partly responsible for. Then think about how much of the situation youโ€™re truly responsible for. Be willing to take ownership for your part, but avoid becoming overly responsible for situations outside your control: โ€œWe both had the same idea to talk to the sitter about leaving the baby unattended. If that upset her enough to quit, at least you and I are on the same page about our child.โ€

Related: 10 Toxic Behaviors That Ruin Relationships and How To Avert Them

6.ย Pessimism.ย 

You unconsciously filter out or discount the positive aspects of your relationship, allowing only negative aspects to enter. You downplay your mateโ€™s accomplishments or positive qualities and dwell on the negatives. You attribute the success to luck or accident and believe itโ€™s only a matter of time until failure is imminent: โ€œYou won top broker of the year, but that was a fluke.โ€

This bad habit of selecting the negative over the positive eventually leads you and your partner to feel as if everything is negative and eventually cripples your intimate relationship.ย 

Takeaway:ย Payย attentionย when negatives outweigh positives and give the positives equal weight. Learn to voice the upside of a downside situation or find an opportunity in the problem. Be a cheerleader for your partner and give positive reinforcement and โ€œatta-girlsโ€ and โ€œatta-boysโ€ abundantly.

7. Bossing.ย 

You tell your main squeeze what to do and that you expect them to do what you say. You make other commands and demands that cross the line in a parental way: โ€œKeep your cell phone on and with you, in case I need to reach you.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย To avoid this trespass, state your concern, or ask a question: โ€œAre you OK with leaving your phone on in case I need to reach you?โ€

8.ย Perfectionism.ย 

Things have to be perfect for you to be happy in the relationship, and you hold your partner to unrealistic standards. Your partner constantly feels like a failure because you focus on and magnify his/her shortcomings and ignore the โ€œtallcomings.โ€ โ€œYou have to get that promotion or ourย marriageย goes down the tubes.โ€ Or, on the flip side, you downplay your contributions to aย stressfulย situation, โ€œOh sure, I forgot our anniversary, but we can make it another night.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย Try to be aware when your outlook about a situation is at one extreme or the other. Take the point of view of an outside observer or even your partner. Try to see the situation through a wider lens, and put it in perspective: โ€œIโ€™ve got your back whether you get the promotion or not.โ€

poison your relationship

9. โ€œMusterbation.โ€ย 

Overuse of oppressive words (like should, ought, must, and have to) can cause your partner to feel shamed in the relationship: โ€œYou must get home earlier to help me with the kids.โ€ โ€œMusterbationโ€ was coined by the late psychologistย Albert Ellisย to remind us when we bow to the oppressive pressures in our heads or put those pressures on our partners: โ€œYou must be a better parent,โ€ or โ€œYou must spend more time with me.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย Ask yourself if your words oppose or support your relationship. Replacing mandatory statements with empowering words enhances the well-being of your relationship. You become more aware of what you require of your partner and can choose more supportive, compassionate words: โ€œI would like for us to spend more time together,โ€ or โ€œAlthoughย parentingย isnโ€™t always easy, we can still meet its challenges as a team.โ€

Related: What Youโ€™ve Been Doing Wrong In Relationships Based on Your Zodiac Element

10. Emotional Reasoning.

You make judgments about your relationship and your partner from how you feel instead of from reasoning: โ€œI feel hopeless about our relationship, so it must be over.โ€ Or, โ€œIf you cared about us, you would read theย self-helpย book the therapist suggested. Obviously, you donโ€™t care.โ€ย 

Takeaway:ย Acknowledge your feelings first. Then see if you can separate them from the facts to determine if your conclusion is indeed true: โ€œYes, Iโ€™m feeling hopeless about our marriage, but that doesnโ€™t mean itโ€™s hopeless. There are steps we can take to make it better,โ€ orย โ€œAlthough you havenโ€™t cracked the book, you show your love for me in other ways.โ€

A Final Word

Itโ€™s possible to reduce lizard brain reactions by maintaining respectful boundaries, havingย empathy, and being mindful of how you give and receive information.

Studies show that consideration, kindness, andย generosityย are the best medicines for strong and healthy intimate relationships. Active listening engages you in what your partner is saying and feeling without falling into the trap of whoโ€™s right and whoโ€™s wrong. It softens tension and sets the stage for mutual cooperation,ย collaboration, and loving connection.


Written By Bryan E. Robinson
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today
10 Kinds Of Negative Thinking That Can Poison Your Relationship
Negative Thinking That Can Poison Your Relationship pin

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages: How Your ADHD/Autistic Partner Shows Love

Neurodivergent Love Languages

All minds are not wired the same way to express and show love. For those on the autism spectrum or with ADHD, affection might look a bit different. Below are five neurodivergent love languages to help you understand love from a different perspective!

We know about Gary Chapmanโ€™s The Five Love Languages, but these languages arenโ€™t designed for neurodiverse individuals โ€“ who express care and affection differently. Sometimes their loved ones donโ€™t recognize how they share their feelings, or why they act like they do.

So, letโ€™s take a look at ADHD and autistic love languages, which might take on different forms to show how they like to receive affection.

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, itโ€™s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

10 Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy: Why Sheโ€™s the Best Girlfriend Youโ€™ll Ever Have

Surprising Perks of Dating a Tomboy

Dating a tomboy brings an exciting mix of fun, friendship, and romance. When youโ€™re dating a tomboy, youโ€™re in for a relationship thatโ€™s refreshingly different. Sheโ€™s someone whoโ€™s down-to-earth, ready for adventure, and brings out the best in everyone around her.

From shared hobbies to spontaneous plans, being with her is all about enjoying life without pretenses or drama.

If youโ€™re curious about what makes her such an amazing partner, here are 10 surprising perks that prove dating a tomboy might just be the best decision youโ€™ll ever make!

Related: 10 Things You Need To Know If Yo

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

The Pebbling Love Language: Inspired By Penguins To Transform Relationships

For some people love doesnโ€™t mean big actions and expensive presents, but rather small things matter the most to them. So hereโ€™s pebbling love language โ€“ inspired by penguins. Letโ€™s find out if you have this language of love without even knowing it.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

What I

Up Next

Can TikTokโ€™s โ€˜Meeting Someone Twice Theoryโ€™ Really Lead To Love?

Has a person ever crossed your path and then reappeared at another point in your life, causing you to feel like you have some kind of unexplainable bond with them? According to the newest idea from TikTok, Meeting Someone Twice Theory โ€“ is a meaningful thought that says love often needs a second chance.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

So letโ€™s learn how the universe