Is saying “Let’s catch up” just a polite habit or are we avoiding real connection by not following through with genuine effort? Read on to know more!
If you’ve ever felt awkward reaching out to former contacts, here’s how to do it.
Key points
- People feel more comfortable reaching out when they have a clear reason.
- Providing a reason, even a noncompelling one, increases the likelihood of a positive response.
- Reframing vague requests into purposeful ones supports authenticity.
“Let’s Catch Up” Isn’t Enough…
Reconnecting with former clients and past contacts can feel surprisingly daunting—even when our previous relationships were positive and productive. Many people hesitate before sending that message or making that call, especially when they know they want something from the conversation. The discomfort often stems from a fear of being perceived as manipulative, self-serving, or inauthentic.
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But what if the key to both psychological comfort and a better response lies in something simple—giving a reason?
A recent conversation between two colleagues underscored the point. One had delivered excellent results for a former client but had not spoken with them in some time.
When a colleague encouraged her to reconnect, she resisted. She was uncomfortable, knowing that she had an agenda—wanting a testimonial for the work she had done. The prospect of reaching out under the guise of a friendly catch up while harbouring a professional motive felt disingenuous.
Eventually, she reframed the approach: Rather than an ambiguous “let’s catch up”, she would reach out with a more specific intention—suggesting someone she believed might be a good fit for the client. The shift made all the difference. Having a reason, even one only tangentially related to her own needs, helped her to overcome internal resistance and made the outreach feel authentic.
The idea isn’t just anecdotal. It’s supported by decades of behavioural research.
The Power of a Reason
Robert Cialdini, professor emeritus of psychology and marketing at Arizona State University and author of Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion, has long highlighted the power of providing a reason when making a request. In a well-known study that Cialdini cites, psychologist Ellen Langer and colleagues focused on people attempting to cut into a photocopier queue.
When someone asked, “Excuse me, I have five pages. May I use the Xerox machine?”, around 60% complied. But when they added a reason, “May I use the Xerox machine because I’m in a rush?”, compliance jumped to 94%. Even when the reason given was nonsensical, merely stating the obvious—“because I have to make some copies”—compliance still rose to 93%.
The takeaway? People are more likely to comply when they are given any reason, even if it’s not particularly compelling.
The explanation lies in the human tendency to respond automatically to certain triggers—what Cialdini terms “click-whirr” behaviour. The word because acts as a psychological cue that a request is justified, lowering the defences of others and increasing their likelihood of saying yes.
Psychological Relief on Both Sides
But providing a reason isn’t just about making others more likely to respond positively. It also has a significant psychological benefit for the person making the request. In the example above, once the professional could anchor her outreach to a genuine reason—introducing someone who could help—it felt more comfortable and congruent with her values. The outreach was transformed from an uncomfortable ask into a meaningful connection.
This matters. Research on cognitive dissonance tells us that people experience psychological discomfort when their actions conflict with their self-image. For professionals who value authenticity and integrity, reaching out without a clear reason can feel like a manipulation. But reframing that same act with a purpose, even a light one, restores alignment between intention and behaviour.
Relevance in Professional Relationships
In relationship-focused work, particularly within business or leadership circles, such insights can shape how professionals maintain and rekindle valuable connections. Whether suggesting a meeting, a call, or a simple message to “touch base,” the presence of a reason—however minor—can provide:
- Increased comfort for the initiator, making it easier to act.
- Higher likelihood of a positive response from the recipient.
- A clearer framework for conversation and next steps.
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The principle is especially relevant in the early stages of re-engaging dormant relationships. A reason doesn’t just open the door; it reduces the anxiety of knocking on it.
Andy Lopata is a speaker, trainer, mentor and author on strategic professional relationships and the host of The Connected Leadership Podcast. His latest book is The Financial Times Guide to Mentoring.
References
Cialdini, R. B. (2006). Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion (Rev. ed.). New York: Harper Business.
Langer, E. J., Blank, A., & Chanowitz, B. (1978). The mindlessness of ostensibly thoughtful action: The role of “placebic” information in interpersonal interaction. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 36(6), 635–642.
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford, CA: Stanford University Press.
Lopata, A. (2020). Connected Leadership: How Professional Relationships Underpin Executive Success. Rethink Press.
Written by Andy Lopata
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
Podcast – podfollow.com/connectedleadership
Book – mentoring-guide.com
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