Why does the holiday season feel like an emotional cocktail of stress and obligation? Let’s hear what expert Anthony Silard says.
Examining the strong emotions that can drain joy from the holidays.
Key points
- When the holidays roll around, many of us feel blue and stressed, and are unsure why.
- We may focus so much on what’s next that we lose sight of the present.
- Consider how you prioritize and treat others—the true point of this season of giving.
This is Part 1 of a three-part series.
When the holidays roll around, many of us find ourselves feeling out of sorts. We feel a mix of blue, apprehensive, and stressed, and we’re not sure why.
“Emotion, which is suffering,” the philosopher Spinoza once wrote, “ceases to be suffering as soon as we form a clear and precise picture of it.” I’ve always been driven to help myself and others better understand our emotions so they cease to control us.
Read More Here: 10 ‘Silent Burnout’ Symptoms That Sneak Up On High Achievers
Action Research
I have observed many people around me feeling stressed or anxious over the past few weeks. Armed with the idea that “affect labeling” (see Part 2 of this series) would enable them to better enjoy the holiday season, I decided to ask them what they are feeling.
I sent out a free-write survey to hundreds of working professionals in my ecosystem, asking them to identify any challenging emotions they are experiencing as the holidays approach. From their responses, I’ve identified four common emotions many of us feel as the holidays approach.
The Toxic Emotional Cocktail That Is The Holiday Season
Holiday Emotion #1: Stress
“On top of all my work responsibilities, I am trying to finish before going on holiday break,” exclaimed Ron, one of my conference participants. “I have to endure crowded shopping malls and find the right gifts for each person in my family. It’s all just too much.”
You may feel stressed about unaccomplished goals and a relentless push to move the needle toward them before you take a break. I know I often do. Last year, I pushed myself so relentlessly to hit a research deadline in the last days leading up to Christmas that I did not pay attention to how cold I was, sitting in front of my screen typing out the final version. The result? I had a high fever for about a week, right through Christmas.
Don’t make my mistake: Recognize that your worth is not your work, and it certainly is not your last performance. When we over-focus on what we haven’t yet accomplished, we overlook what we have achieved that has taken us to where we are now.
We also succumb to the next-in-line effect in cognitive psychology: we focus so much on what we have to do next that we lose sight of experiencing the present, which is what the holiday season is (meant to be) all about. “Going home means that I have so many people to visit in my hometown. I just want to relax!” shared Maria, another conference participant.
“Visiting both my parents and my wife’s parents is not only stressful just by the nature of being with each set of people for an extended period,” confided Max, another participant. “It also involves a ton of travel in over-congested airports with end-of-year flight delays, which just adds to the stress I’m already experiencing.”
Holiday Emotion #2: Loneliness
You might feel loneliness from thinking thoughts such as “Why isn’t my family (or intimate relationship or friendships) as close as those of other people I know?” The winter holidays are a period where people tend to spend more time inside (in many cultures, it’s the coldest time of the year) and take inventory of their social relationships. It’s our annual Social Judgment Week.
If you are feeling lonely as the holidays approach, take an inner detour before you dive into time with your family and friends to consider how you show up in your relationships. Most of us don’t like how others prioritize or treat us, and then feel lonely. In this way, loneliness contains a narcissistic element. We are the victims; others are the perpetrators.
Instead, consider how you prioritize and treat others. In so doing, you will actualize the whole point of the holiday season: giving to others. When you reduce their loneliness, you will counterintuitively yet compellingly also decrease your own.
Read More Here: How The 70–20–10 Rule Can Ease Holiday Stress
Disagree? Consider research that has found that people who focus on the gifts they receive during the holiday season experience more negative emotions and stress, and reduced well-being and life satisfaction. Further, when people do not like the gifts they receive, they tend to perceive themselves as less similar to the giver and become less enthusiastic about the relationship, both of which often accentuate their loneliness.
I would like to offer your readers these two free books: The Myth of Happiness: How Your Definition of Happiness Creates Your
Unhappiness and The Myth of Friendship: How Your Misunderstandings about Friendship
Keep You Lonely .
They can enter their email to download them here:
www.theartoflivingfree.org/freehappinessandfriendshipbooks
References
Join my survey here and receive two free books, The Myth of Happiness: How Your Definition of Happiness Creates Your Unhappiness and The Myth of Friendship: How Your Misunderstandings about Friendship Keep You Lonely.
Written by Anthony Silard Ph.D.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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