The Cure For An Imperfect Childhood

Some of us got off to a rough start in life. And for many of us, our childhood was missing the kinds of experiences that every child needs in order to thrive. Consequently, chances are, we didnโ€™t make it to adulthood with a very high estimation of our value.

As children (and to some degree as adults), we tend to see ourselves through the eyes of those whom we trust and depend upon. If those people donโ€™t have particularly high regard for themselves, then their eyes will mirror back to us the same low self-esteem that they possess.

Related:ย 5 Common Challenges Of Childhood

What causes imperfect childhood?

Those of us who were fortunate enough to have positive esteem mirrored back to us were likely to come into adulthood feeling secure in themselves and safe in the world. For those fortunate ones, chances are that their feelings were welcome, their ideas validated, and their boundaries respected. They felt wanted to be cherished, honored, and loved and probably took it for granted that they were effective in making things happen, and were worthy of love and respect.

On the other end of the spectrum are those of us who came from families where we may not have felt wanted or valued, one that was chaotic or unpredictable, where we felt insecure, and that our feelings and desires were not heard, validated, and met. We may have felt that we were in the way, ignored, overly controlled, or that we were trouble. As children, we couldnโ€™t change these conditions, so we were left feeling powerless, unworthy, and unlovable.

Most of us fall in the middle of the spectrum, so we know both extremes from our early lives and feel a mix of worth and worthlessness, unlovability and lovability.

imperfect childhood fix it

The Cure for an Imperfect Childhood

While psychotherapy is the treatment of choice for many of those of us who are suffering from low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, or addictive patterns, there are other means available through which we can heal past wounds that have left us feeling broken or incomplete, one of them being that of a committed partnership.

Committed Partnership

A Committed partnership provides us with the means through which we can expose the unhealed or unloved parts of ourselves to someone who has the capacity and desire to accept that within us that we had deemed to be unacceptable or unlovable and bless us with their embrace of those aspects of ourselves.

They are not necessarily a substitute for therapy, but they can provide us with the kind of experiences that affect our sense of value as a person.

Related:ย Understanding Your Partnerโ€™s Childhood Traumas

The corrective experiences of being seen and heard, finally after years of being ignored, having our feelings and desires validated, respected, and met, heals us. Experimenting with setting boundaries and having them respected gives us a sense of self-respect. The security that comes from creating a predicable environment diminishes fear and anxiety and promotes feelings of relaxation and security to occur.

Committed partnership, due to their very nature tend to expose whatever within us, has been intentionally or unconsciously concealed. That exposure is one of the things that a committed partnership is meant to do. We will inadvertently bump into every sore spot many, many times.

Each and every one of these painful reactions provide an opportunity for healing, if we can see it as a challenge rather than an ordeal. If we trace back to the origin of these feelings, we begin to identify the false and limiting beliefs that have created them.

Related:ย How Inner Child Healing Can Help You Have Healthy Adult Relationships

As more evidence comes in over time, our self-concept changes. Slowly our awareness brings to light that we truly are, that is, our essential nature, undistorted by past conditioning. We can begin to see ourselves through the loving eyes of a partner who can reflect the value and worth back to us and become free of the distorted perspective of our parents who were incapable of seeing us we truly were.

As we let grow beyond our past perceptions and recognize our parentsโ€™ experience, we may find compassion and forgiveness towards them, freeing up a tremendous amount of energy for the present. When both partners consciously commit to a contract of mutual healing, the possibilities are endless.

Healing from an imperfect childhood

If we can learn to override defensive, conditioned patterns with curiosity and wonder rather than reactivity, we can begin to discover what needs to happen in order to heal our painful wounds. We allow our partners to be our healers and return the great favor by healing their sore places as well.

The net result being that we live with peace of mind, trust that we are enough and not too much, believing that we are effectual, can set and realize goals, feel deserving of having our needs met, our desires fulfilled, and above all trusting that we are worthy of love. The overt contract to be each otherโ€™s healer is a good deal, and the benefits are exquisite.

Marriage can be a fine addition to therapy.

Itโ€™s not just marriage that has healing effects; itโ€™s the kind of marriage. The quality of the relationship is of utmost importance. Both partners need to participate. Itโ€™s not enough to just get married to find a good person, and itโ€™s not enough to be motivated to use the relationship as a healing path.

Both partners need to be committed to doing whatever is necessary to have the therapeutic effect take place. Therapy is not the only way to heal from childhood wounds, nor is it necessarily the best way. Itโ€™s certainly one useful method for a lot of people. But the relationships that are grounded in a shared intention to promote well-being in the lives of each partner can produce profound results as well.

Related:ย 7 Daily Rituals Happy Couples Use To Cultivate Lasting Love

Not only is it possible to have a great relationship after coming from a dysfunctional family but the pain of the dysfunction has become the motivation to do the work to create something more satisfying.

In fact when we finally establish a functional family, the gratitude and satisfaction that is enormous.

We savor the level of well-being that we enjoy now because of the sharp contrast with life in our family of origin. We learned tremendous lessons about what not to do from our original family, put those teachings into practice to establish a relationship, and life, worth living with exquisite appreciation.

How did you heal yourself from imperfect childhood? Leave a comment below


Written by Linda and Charlie Bloom
Originally appeared in Psychology Today
Cure Imperfect Childhood pin
Cure for Imperfect Childhood pin

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

How To Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Child: 10 Parenting Moves That Work

How To Deal With A Disrespectful Grown Child

Itโ€™s one of the toughest pills to swallow: a disrespectful grown child. Whether theyโ€™re dismissing your advice, talking back, or just acting like they couldnโ€™t care less about you or your feelings, it hurts. But how to deal with a disrespectful grown child without feeling like youโ€™re losing your mind?

Today, we are going to talk about the signs of a disrespectful grown child and how to deal with one. Spoiler: Itโ€™s not about โ€œgetting back at themโ€ โ€” itโ€™s about creating change together, so that you can have a healthy relationship with each other, that’s based on mutual respect.

First, let’s start with the signs of a disrespectful grown child.

Related:

Up Next

Give Your Mom A Break: 5 Ways To Pamper Her This National Lazy Momโ€™s Day

Give Your Mom A Break Ways To Pamper Her

Motherhood is a non-stop role, with no time-outs or scheduled breaks. From managing household chores to balancing work and family life, moms are always on the go. This National Lazy Mom’s Day, it’s time to give mom a break and show her she deserves a day to relax and recharge.

Moms constantly juggle numerous tasks, leading to mental exhaustion and a lack of personal time. Just like anyone else, moms need a break to decompress and regain energy. A day of rest not only refreshes them but also helps them continue being the loving, attentive figures theyโ€™ve always been.

Up Next

The Parentified Daughter: 10 Signs Your Childhood Was Burdened With Responsibilities

Parentified Daughter Childhood Was Burdened With Responsibilities

They say girls โ€œmature too fast,โ€ but for some parentified daughters, itโ€™s a reality driven by the heavy responsibilities for their families, well beyond their years. This phenomenon is known as child parentification.

It occurs when a child is burdened with tasks and emotional support roles that should belong to their parents or guardians. When the parentified eldest daughter takes on responsibilities early in life, it can profoundly shape her personality and relationships.

If this sounds all too real, letโ€™s learn the common signs of a parentified daughter, so you can understand the unique challenges and childhood experiences that continue to influence their lives as adults.

Up Next

When Grandparentsโ€™ Love Goes Sour: 8 Signs Of Toxic Grandparents And How To Survive Them

Signs Of Toxic Grandparents

Have you ever noticed certain behaviors that make you wonder if your grandparentsโ€™ love might be a littleโ€ฆ off? Spotting the signs of toxic grandparents can be tough, especially when society paints them as the ultimate source of unconditional love and support.

But sometimes, grandparents might cross boundaries, show favoritism, or create a stressful environment that doesnโ€™t quite feel right. If youโ€™ve ever felt uneasy about their behavior, youโ€™re not alone.

In this article, weโ€™ll dive into the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of toxic grandparents and give you some strategies regarding how to deal with toxic grandparents, without causing family drama.

First, let us try to understand what are toxic grandparents.

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or itโ€™s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, weโ€™re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults โ€“ those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

The Hidden Toll of Childhood Emotional Incest: Identifying Signs and Effects

Emotional incest confuses parent-child dynamics, creating emotional dependency. Letโ€™s look at the signs and effects of this incomprehensible relationship to gain a better understanding.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Emotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial developme

Up Next

How To Create A Toddler-Friendly Home: 10 Helpful Tips For New Parents!

Bringing a toddler to your house can be both exciting and challenging. As soon as they begin taking notice of their surroundings, the environment in which they dwell must be secure, comfortable, and conducive to growth.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

It is important to learn how to create a toddler-friendly home because this will provide them with holistic development o