What causes rudeness in children, and how can we address it without escalating the behavior? Learn valuable parenting insights from Claire Lerner.
How to respond in a way that reduces versus reinforces this maddening behavior.
Key points
- Almost all kids can be sassy and rude sometimes.
- Big reactions tend to reinforce, not mitigate, this behavior that is understandably maddening to parents.
- Getting to underlying feelings while not rewarding the behavior with a big response is often most effective.
Complaints from parents about kids being sassy, rude, and “obnoxious” are rampant in my practice. Here’s the most recent example that reflects what many moms and dads share on a regular basis:
Melanie (mom): You need to eat at the table.
Paige (4-year-old): You need to eat at the table. (Said with serious sass.)
Melanie: I mean it. The pretzels will have to go away if you don’t go to the table.
Paige: I mean it. The pretzels will have to go away if you don’t go to the table.
Melanie: You’ll have to go to the time-out chair if you don’t stop copying me.
Paige: You’ll have to go to the time-out chair if you don’t…say hello. (Giggles maniacally.) Na-na! I don’t have to go to time-out. I didn’t copy! I said ‘hello’!
What’s the most effective way to respond to rudeness in children?
I guide parents through a series of questions to come up with the most loving, useful strategies.
What do we know about what makes Paige tick?
No, Paige is not a sociopath. She is a fierce, extremely bright, and clever child who is a heat-seeking missile when it comes to being in charge and asserting power. She doesn’t like to be told what to do, and she has very big reactions to not getting what she wants.
What do we think the function of this behavior is? What is Paige feeling and trying to communicate? What problem is she trying to solve?
Paige doesn’t like limits. Her anger and disappointment launch her into “downstairs brain” mode; she gets very dysregulated and purges her big feelings by being very provocative.
She mimics and consistently tells her parents that she is going to “kill them dead” or put them in jail when they deny a desire. Her provocative, inflammatory statements get her parents’ haunches up, which reinforces this behavior (as you’ve heard, any attention is reinforcing). And the cycle continues.
What is the lesson her parents want to teach her?
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That this behavior is unacceptable… and to stop doing it!
What do Paige’s parents not control in this situation?
Paige. What she says or what she does. Only she controls what comes out of her mouth and what she does with her body. So, we will not go down the path of trying to convince her to stop using these tactics and language. Indeed, history shows that trying to control her only increases the unwanted behaviors.
What do Paige’s parents control? What actions can they take to not reinforce, and hopefully reduce, this unwanted behavior and teach her the lesson that this behavior is not acceptable?
Since Paige’s behavior is reinforced by big reactions—essentially by successfully yanking her parents’ chains—we decide that the antidote is… to not let their chain be yanked. That would diffuse the power of the provocation and teach, through their actions, the important lesson that this kind of talk is not effective in getting what she wants—be it attention, a desired object, or an activity.
In this case, Paige wanted a treat from the pantry. When Melanie guided her out of the pantry, Paige started in with the mimicry. The more Melanie chided and threatened that Paige would have to go to the time-out chair, the more wound up and provocative Paige became.
(NOTE: Melanie’s use of the time-out chair is because they were doing PCIT—a behavioral intervention that works for some families but tends not to be effective and often backfires for the families who end up coming to see me. It is very formulaic and doesn’t take into consideration the child’s unique temperament or underlying psychology that is the root cause of the unwanted behavior. It was decidedly not working for this family.)
The strategies on how to handle disrespectful behavior
Based on our insights and analysis, we develop a menu of approaches that Melanie might take to mitigate the unwanted behavior and maximize the chances of it being addressed.
- Melanie will always address the underlying feeling and challenge Paige is struggling with, but not pay attention to the mimicry or disrespectful talk: “I know you’re upset that I wouldn’t let you get a treat from the pantry.”
- In a quiet moment, Melanie tells Paige that she understands how hard it is for her when she can’t have something she wants. She reminds Paige that “all feelings are welcome, but all behavior is not.” (Props to Aliza Pressman of Raising Good Humans.) Melanie goes on to explain that it’s her job as the mom to teach Paige to use respectful language. Here is how she’s going to do that: When Paige expresses her feelings in ways that are not respectful, Melanie will say, “Redo!” That is how Melanie is going to be a helper—by using this cue to give Paige a chance to change her language and tone. If Paige chooses not to stop with the disrespectful language, her mom is not going to respond but will just move on. She will not be ignoring Paige; she will just not be responding to the unacceptable language. This message is important for Melanie to share as she thinks it will help her follow through with this plan. Historically, when she has not responded to Paige’s rudeness, Paige accuses her of ignoring her, which is very triggering to Melanie. She finds herself becoming very defensive, which escalates the encounter. She feels (hopes) that explaining this in advance, in a quiet moment when Paige is regulated, will make her feel more comfortable following through with ignoring this sass.
This approach is designed to teach the lesson through action, not reaction. Note that it doesn’t include any schooling or shaming—typical knee-jerk responses for most parents (“You can’t talk to me like this!” etc.)—that tend to get kids’ haunches up and fuel the flames. (Remember, the limit is the lesson! These kids tend to hate corrections and get so angry and defensive that it just leads to escalation, not resolution.)
Other strategies that have worked for some families include:
Doing the opposite of what your child is trying to provoke. You meet their sass with kindness and connection. In this case, when Paige starts to mimic, Melanie might look Paige in the eye and say: “I can’t wait to see what we can make with all these blocks!” as she starts to build. This diffuses the power of the unwanted behavior and shows your child that you are not going to participate in the negative encounter they are trying to engage you in.
Just give a look. This is a minimalistic approach that can be very effective. You look at your child with that expression that says, “Really…” and move on. This has been a game-changer for some families.
Give your child a safe-space break. This is a place where a child can be when they are either being unsafe with their words or body that has a boundary—so they can’t keep running in and out and escalate and control the situation. It’s not punishment; it’s a tool to prevent power struggles and to stop unwanted, detrimental behaviors when you are not able to get your child to regulate themselves.
Take your own break. This is another strategy many of my families have found effective in situations when a child is haranguing you with sass or rudeness, and you don’t feel comfortable using a safe space for your child, or you aren’t physically able to guide your child into a solo space. You take your own solo space break.
It may go something like this: “I can see you’re having a hard time with a redo. I can’t make you stop talking to me with disrespect, but it’s very uncomfortable for me, so I am going to take my own break. I’ll be out in a few minutes, and we can try again.”
At the end of the day, you can’t stop your child from mimicking or talking rudely; that is something you have no control over. What you can do is change your reaction in a way that doesn’t reinforce or enable it.
Read More Here: 6 Ways You May Be Misguiding Your Teen
How do you handle sassy kids? Tell us your thoughts about rudeness in the comments below!
Written by: Claire Lerner LCSW-C
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
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