Scars That Last: PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship

 / 

, ,

Love shouldnโ€™t hurt, but leaving can be just as painful. PTSD from emotional abuse in a relationship can have severe impacts. Learn what they are.

I wanted to leave, but I didnโ€™t know howโ€ฆ

Stop.ย Just stop asking why a woman is so stupid and so weak whenย she stays in an abusive relationship. Thereโ€™s no answer you can possibly understand.

Your judgment only further shames abused women. It shames women like me.

There was no punch on the very first date with my ex-husband. Thatโ€™s not normally howย abusive marriages start. In fact, my first date was probably pretty similar to yours:ย he was charming, he paid attention to me, andย he flattered me.

Of course, the red flags were there at the beginning of my relationship. But I was young and naรฏve, probably much like you were at the beginning of your relationship.

Except my marriage took a different turn than yours.

Emotional abuse in a relationshipย takes time to build. Itโ€™s slow and methodical and incessant, much like a dripping kitchen faucet.

It begins like a little drip you donโ€™t even noticeย โ€”ย an off-hand remark that is โ€œjust a joke.โ€ Iโ€™m told Iโ€™m too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive.

DRIP,ย DRIP.

I occasionally notice the drip but itโ€™s no big deal. A public joke made at my expense is just my partner being the usual life of the party. When he asks if Iโ€™m wearing this dress out or whom Iโ€™m going with, it only means he loves me and cares about me.

When he tells me he doesnโ€™t like my new friend, I agree. Yes, I can see where she can be bossy. My husband is more important than a friend, so I pull away and donโ€™t continue the friendship.

DRIP, DRIP.

The drip is getting annoying, but you donโ€™t sell your house over a leaky faucet.

When a playful push was a little more than playful, I tell myself he didnโ€™t really mean it.

He forgets heโ€™s stronger than me.ย When I confront him in yet another lie heโ€™s told, he tells me Iโ€™m crazy for not believing him. Maybe Iโ€™m crazy โ€ฆ Iโ€™mย beginning to feel a little crazy.

Related: How Abusive Relationships Trap us Into Not Leaving

I begin to compensate for the drips in my marriage. Iโ€™ll be better. Iโ€™ll be a better wife. Iโ€™ll make sure the house is clean and dinner is always prepared. And when he doesnโ€™t even come home for dinner, Iโ€™ll keep it wrapped and warmed in the oven for him.

On a night Iโ€™m feeling feisty, I feed his dinner to the dog before he comes home. Iโ€™m not feeling quite as smug well after midnight when he does show up. I quickly get out of bed and go to the kitchen as he yells at me to make him dinner.

Waking me from sleep becomes a regular occurrence. I no longer allow myself deep, restful sleep. Iโ€™m always listening and waiting.

In the morning,ย Iโ€™ll shush the kids to keep them quiet so they donโ€™t wake up daddy. We all begin to walk on eggshells around him.

DRIP, DRIP.

The drip is flowing pretty strong now. Iโ€™m afraid to put a bucket under it and see how much water Iโ€™m really losing. Denial is setting in.

If I hadnโ€™t said what I did, he wouldnโ€™t have gotten so mad. Itโ€™s my fault; I need to just keep quiet. I should know better than to confront him when heโ€™s been drinking.

Related: Recovery From Abusive Relationships. How Long Does It Take?

Heโ€™s right โ€” I really am an ungrateful bitch. He goes to work every day so I can stay home with the kids. Of course, he needs time to himself on the way home from work each day.

On the rare occasion, I do meet with my friends, I rush to be home before him. I never ask him to watch the kids so I can do something in the evening. I mustnโ€™t inconvenience him.

We attempt marriage counseling. Although neither of us is totally honest about why we are there, the counselors are open with us about their concerns.

We never spend more than one session with a counselor.

DRIP,ย DRIP.

Iโ€™m working so hard to be the perfect wife and have the perfect family that I donโ€™tย take the time to notice thereโ€™s water spilling onto the floor.

I know what will make this better. Iโ€™ll get really active outside the homeย but of course, Iโ€™ll still take care of everything in the home and never burden him. And Iโ€™ll never dare ask for help.

Iโ€™m now the perfect fourth-grade room mother. My church mentors tell me to read books and listen to lectures on praying for my husband and understanding his needs.

Related: 11 Ways To Cope With A Toxic And Estranged Family Relationship

I work very hard to present the front of a perfectly happy family. My kids are involved in multiple activitiesย that I, of course, solely organize and am responsible for.

Iโ€™ve begun to drop subtle hints to the other momsย but when they confront me I adamantly deny it. No, everything is great, I insist. I point to all the happy family photos I post to Facebook as evidence.

Iโ€™m not sure which scares me more: the fear that others will find out my secret, or that my husband will find out I told the truth about our marriage. I realize Iโ€™m now afraid of him.

DRIP,ย DRIP.

And then one day, I wake up and realize the house is flooding. My head bobs under the water.ย Iโ€™m scared.

I also see the fear in my childrenโ€™sย eyes. Oh dear God, what have I done? How did we get here? Who have I become?

The night he throws his cell phone at me and narrowly misses my head, I want to pack the kids in the car and leave.ย The evening at the dinner table when he stands up and throws a fork at me in front of the kids, I want to leave.

Where would I possibly go? And if I do go somewhere, what will I do? How will I afford to live on my own?

Heโ€™s right โ€”ย I have no skills to survive on my own. I need his money.

โ€œWhat, you want to leave and go whore around?โ€ he yells to me.ย โ€œI always knew you were a slut.โ€

Heโ€™s a master at deflection. His actions are no longer the focus; Iโ€™m the one on trial now.

Iโ€™m no longer the woman I was on our first date. Iโ€™ve become timid and weak in front of him. I feel defeated. I chose this man and I gave birth to these children. Itโ€™s my fault.

With every breath I take, itโ€™s my duty to keep these kids safe and keep my life together. Itโ€™s the only life Iโ€™ve known for 20 years. At this point, I donโ€™t know how to do anything else.

I stay.

DRIP,ย DRIP.

The flood continues. My head bobs under a second time.

On a typical anger-filled evening, I say enough is enough and I decide to fight back. But even in his stumbling drunken stupor, heโ€™s stronger than I am.

I see the look in his eye as he hovers over me. He has biologically been given the ability to kill. That look in his eye terrifies me.

โ€œGo ahead and leave,โ€ he sneers to me. โ€œBut the kids stay here.โ€

My retreat that night is all it takes to turn the faucet on all the way and force me to tread water, if not for my life, then at the very least for my sanity.

Related: How Toxic Family Dynamics Can Cause C-PTSD In Emotionally Intense Children

Despite my best attempts, my secret has been exposed. I canโ€™t just up and leave like well-meaning friends tell me to. Itโ€™s not that easy.

I have no money. In fact, he found my secret stash Iโ€™d been working on for almost a year. I thought I was so careful that no bank records would come to the house. He must have broken in to my email.

I shouldโ€™ve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop.

He made me feel so guilty and ashamed when I handed over my secret savings to him. I wonder what he did with the money? I know it didnโ€™t get used for the kids needs. I assume he drank itย or gambled itย or used it to impress another woman.

Iโ€™m stuck. I stay.

DRIP DRIP

Dear God, please donโ€™t let me go under a third time. My family is beyond rescue, but please save me and save my kids.

Iโ€™m one of the lucky ones. Iโ€™m no longer in the marriage, yet my scars run deep.

Can You Have PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship?

Abuse doesnโ€™t always manifest as a black eye or a bloody wound. The effects of psychological abuse are just as damaging.

I entered counseling and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The psychological abuse kept me fearful, the depression and anxiety left me incapable of taking the steps necessary to get out.

Although I initially thought PTSD from abusive relationship โ€“ was a bit extreme, itโ€™s been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me.

Related: 6 Common Signs Of An Abusive Relationship Thatโ€™re Often Ignored

When my male boss was angry and yelling at the staff one day, I became physically sick. I felt like I was right back where I was years ago, sitting and cowering on the garage floor, trying to placate the anger of a man towering over me.

I worry that not only have my daughters witnessed a man mistreat a woman, but that my sons have had a poor example to follow of what it means to be a real man.

I stayed for the sake of my children. Now, I blame myself for the effects staying may possibly have on them.

Why did I stay? I stayed because I was isolated; I was financially dependent on him; I was sleep deprived; I was told and I believed I was worthless; I was worn down from constantly being on guard for the next attack.

I stayed because I was more afraid to leave.

Now that you know you can get PTSD from a relationship, are you ready to leave the relationship for your sanity and well being?

ptsd from emotional abuse

Related video on PTSD caused by emotional abuse:


Source - YourTango
Republished with permission
.
You Can Get PTSD From Staying In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship
PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship Pin
ptsd from emotional abuse
ptsd from emotional abuse

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

How to Respond to a Manipulative Apology: 7 Ways You Can Turn the Tables on Emotional Manipulation

Ways to Handle a Manipulative Apology

Manipulative apologies are tricky; they sound like remorse but actually aim to shift blame, guilt-trip, or control the situation. Learning how to respond to a manipulative apology is crucial to maintaining emotional balance and protecting your well-being.

Always remember that apology without change is manipulative, and the quicker you realize that, the better it will be for you and emotional well-being.

Letโ€™s dive into what is a manipulative apology, how does a narcissist apologize and how to respond to a manipulative apology, so that you can handle these situations with confidence, and not get caught in an emotional trap.

Related:

Up Next

9 Malignant Narcissist Traits That Scream โ€˜Stay Away!โ€™

Malignant Narcissist Traits That Scream Stay Away

Ever met someone who just seemed a little too… intense? Maybe they needed control, demanded admiration, or seemed to enjoy making others uncomfortable? These arenโ€™t just common personality flaws โ€“ these are actually malignant narcissist traits.

Spotting these traits can help you steer clear of the emotional roller coaster that follows such people around. Weโ€™ll dive into exactly what is a malignant narcissist, the warning signs to watch out for, and how to deal with a malignant narcissist.

So, let’s get started shall we? We will begin with what is a malignant narcissist.

Related:

Up Next

What Is Child Abuse? Recognizing The Warning Signs

Child abuse and neglect is a very sensitive subject that needs to be handled with care.

One canโ€™t really associate a state like this with just bruises. There is emotional, as well as physical exploitation. Also, for a little kid to heal or recover from it, the earlier one spots the signs of it, the better it is.

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or itโ€™s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, weโ€™re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults โ€“ those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

Are Adult Temper Tantrums Dangerous? Recognizing and Addressing the Risks

Adult temper tantrums can be really unpredictable and you never know which direction they might take. This article is going to discuss the dangers of temper tantrums in adults, so that you know how to protect yourself.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

KEY POINTS

Adult temp

Up Next

Spotting Emotional Neglect In Childhood: 8 Important Clues

Anyone who has been through emotional neglect in childhood knows that it never leaves you; it haunts you for the rest of your life. Itโ€™s like an invisible wound, that may not leave invisible scars, but it can shape you in ways you might not even notice.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Maybe it was the feeling that somethingโ€™s missing from your childhood, but you cou

Up Next

Romantic Manipulation: 10 Subtle Phrases To Watch Out For

Romantic manipulation is sneaky, and it can creep into a relationships without either person fully realizing it. We have all heard those phrases that sound sweet or caring but leaves a bitter aftertaste, making us second-guess our feelings.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Manipulative partners often have a way with words, twisting them to control or belittle. So, are yo