Love shouldnโt hurt, but leaving can be just as painful. PTSD from emotional abuse in a relationship can have severe impacts. Learn what they are.
I wanted to leave, but I didnโt know howโฆ
Stop.ย Just stop asking why a woman is so stupid and so weak whenย she stays in an abusive relationship. Thereโs no answer you can possibly understand.
Your judgment only further shames abused women. It shames women like me.
There was no punch on the very first date with my ex-husband. Thatโs not normally howย abusive marriages start. In fact, my first date was probably pretty similar to yours:ย he was charming, he paid attention to me, andย he flattered me.
Of course, the red flags were there at the beginning of my relationship. But I was young and naรฏve, probably much like you were at the beginning of your relationship.
Except my marriage took a different turn than yours.
Emotional abuse in a relationshipย takes time to build. Itโs slow and methodical and incessant, much like a dripping kitchen faucet.
It begins like a little drip you donโt even noticeย โย an off-hand remark that is โjust a joke.โ Iโm told Iโm too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive.
DRIP,ย DRIP.
I occasionally notice the drip but itโs no big deal. A public joke made at my expense is just my partner being the usual life of the party. When he asks if Iโm wearing this dress out or whom Iโm going with, it only means he loves me and cares about me.
When he tells me he doesnโt like my new friend, I agree. Yes, I can see where she can be bossy. My husband is more important than a friend, so I pull away and donโt continue the friendship.
DRIP, DRIP.
The drip is getting annoying, but you donโt sell your house over a leaky faucet.
When a playful push was a little more than playful, I tell myself he didnโt really mean it.
He forgets heโs stronger than me.ย When I confront him in yet another lie heโs told, he tells me Iโm crazy for not believing him. Maybe Iโm crazy โฆ Iโmย beginning to feel a little crazy.
Related: How Abusive Relationships Trap us Into Not Leaving
I begin to compensate for the drips in my marriage. Iโll be better. Iโll be a better wife. Iโll make sure the house is clean and dinner is always prepared. And when he doesnโt even come home for dinner, Iโll keep it wrapped and warmed in the oven for him.
On a night Iโm feeling feisty, I feed his dinner to the dog before he comes home. Iโm not feeling quite as smug well after midnight when he does show up. I quickly get out of bed and go to the kitchen as he yells at me to make him dinner.
Waking me from sleep becomes a regular occurrence. I no longer allow myself deep, restful sleep. Iโm always listening and waiting.
In the morning,ย Iโll shush the kids to keep them quiet so they donโt wake up daddy. We all begin to walk on eggshells around him.
DRIP, DRIP.
The drip is flowing pretty strong now. Iโm afraid to put a bucket under it and see how much water Iโm really losing. Denial is setting in.
If I hadnโt said what I did, he wouldnโt have gotten so mad. Itโs my fault; I need to just keep quiet. I should know better than to confront him when heโs been drinking.
Related: Recovery From Abusive Relationships. How Long Does It Take?
Heโs right โ I really am an ungrateful bitch. He goes to work every day so I can stay home with the kids. Of course, he needs time to himself on the way home from work each day.
On the rare occasion, I do meet with my friends, I rush to be home before him. I never ask him to watch the kids so I can do something in the evening. I mustnโt inconvenience him.
We attempt marriage counseling. Although neither of us is totally honest about why we are there, the counselors are open with us about their concerns.
We never spend more than one session with a counselor.
DRIP,ย DRIP.
Iโm working so hard to be the perfect wife and have the perfect family that I donโtย take the time to notice thereโs water spilling onto the floor.
I know what will make this better. Iโll get really active outside the homeย but of course, Iโll still take care of everything in the home and never burden him. And Iโll never dare ask for help.
Iโm now the perfect fourth-grade room mother. My church mentors tell me to read books and listen to lectures on praying for my husband and understanding his needs.
Related: 11 Ways To Cope With A Toxic And Estranged Family Relationship
I work very hard to present the front of a perfectly happy family. My kids are involved in multiple activitiesย that I, of course, solely organize and am responsible for.
Iโve begun to drop subtle hints to the other momsย but when they confront me I adamantly deny it. No, everything is great, I insist. I point to all the happy family photos I post to Facebook as evidence.
Iโm not sure which scares me more: the fear that others will find out my secret, or that my husband will find out I told the truth about our marriage. I realize Iโm now afraid of him.
DRIP,ย DRIP.
And then one day, I wake up and realize the house is flooding. My head bobs under the water.ย Iโm scared.
I also see the fear in my childrenโsย eyes. Oh dear God, what have I done? How did we get here? Who have I become?
The night he throws his cell phone at me and narrowly misses my head, I want to pack the kids in the car and leave.ย The evening at the dinner table when he stands up and throws a fork at me in front of the kids, I want to leave.
Where would I possibly go? And if I do go somewhere, what will I do? How will I afford to live on my own?
Heโs right โย I have no skills to survive on my own. I need his money.
โWhat, you want to leave and go whore around?โ he yells to me.ย โI always knew you were a slut.โ
Heโs a master at deflection. His actions are no longer the focus; Iโm the one on trial now.
Iโm no longer the woman I was on our first date. Iโve become timid and weak in front of him. I feel defeated. I chose this man and I gave birth to these children. Itโs my fault.
With every breath I take, itโs my duty to keep these kids safe and keep my life together. Itโs the only life Iโve known for 20 years. At this point, I donโt know how to do anything else.
I stay.
DRIP,ย DRIP.
The flood continues. My head bobs under a second time.
On a typical anger-filled evening, I say enough is enough and I decide to fight back. But even in his stumbling drunken stupor, heโs stronger than I am.
I see the look in his eye as he hovers over me. He has biologically been given the ability to kill. That look in his eye terrifies me.
โGo ahead and leave,โ he sneers to me. โBut the kids stay here.โ
My retreat that night is all it takes to turn the faucet on all the way and force me to tread water, if not for my life, then at the very least for my sanity.
Related: How Toxic Family Dynamics Can Cause C-PTSD In Emotionally Intense Children
Despite my best attempts, my secret has been exposed. I canโt just up and leave like well-meaning friends tell me to. Itโs not that easy.
I have no money. In fact, he found my secret stash Iโd been working on for almost a year. I thought I was so careful that no bank records would come to the house. He must have broken in to my email.
I shouldโve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop.
He made me feel so guilty and ashamed when I handed over my secret savings to him. I wonder what he did with the money? I know it didnโt get used for the kids needs. I assume he drank itย or gambled itย or used it to impress another woman.
Iโm stuck. I stay.
DRIP DRIP
Dear God, please donโt let me go under a third time. My family is beyond rescue, but please save me and save my kids.
Iโm one of the lucky ones. Iโm no longer in the marriage, yet my scars run deep.
Can You Have PTSD From Emotional Abuse In A Relationship?
Abuse doesnโt always manifest as a black eye or a bloody wound. The effects of psychological abuse are just as damaging.
I entered counseling and was diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. The psychological abuse kept me fearful, the depression and anxiety left me incapable of taking the steps necessary to get out.
Although I initially thought PTSD from abusive relationship โ was a bit extreme, itโs been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me.
Related: 6 Common Signs Of An Abusive Relationship Thatโre Often Ignored
When my male boss was angry and yelling at the staff one day, I became physically sick. I felt like I was right back where I was years ago, sitting and cowering on the garage floor, trying to placate the anger of a man towering over me.
I worry that not only have my daughters witnessed a man mistreat a woman, but that my sons have had a poor example to follow of what it means to be a real man.
I stayed for the sake of my children. Now, I blame myself for the effects staying may possibly have on them.
Why did I stay? I stayed because I was isolated; I was financially dependent on him; I was sleep deprived; I was told and I believed I was worthless; I was worn down from constantly being on guard for the next attack.
I stayed because I was more afraid to leave.
Now that you know you can get PTSD from a relationship, are you ready to leave the relationship for your sanity and well being?
Related video on PTSD caused by emotional abuse:
Source - YourTango
Republished with permission.
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