How To Apologize To The Zodiac Signs

ARIES: Just wait 10 seconds for the blood to cool.

TAURUS: Plant a seedling in their backyard. Once the tree is fully grown, they’ll be ready to forgive you.

GEMINI: Send a picture of a cat holding onto a branch saying “hang in there” and proceed as if nothing ever happened.

CANCER: Hold hands and tell them about the event in your childhood that caused you to act out.

LEO: Compress your tears of regret into a diamond. Present it to them on a silver platter. Do not raise your eyes to meet theirs.

VIRGO: Repeat their version of the truth back at them, even if you disagree.

LIBRA: Post a picture of the two of you and plan a date night.

SCORPIO: Apologize every day for a year to prove that you mean it.

SAGITTARIUS: Defend yourself by citing Spinoza’s Ethics. They’ll argue, but out of respect.

CAPRICORN: Make a bet on which of you is the most capable of forgiveness.

AQUARIUS: Publish a manifesto about how your actions have not only hurt them but also set society back many years.

PISCES: Don’t bother unless you’re genuinely sorry, they can sense bullshit.