Are you parenting without grandparents in the picture?
Explaining grandparent estrangement to your kids.
Key points
- Going no contact is a valid, often painful choice rooted in emotional self-protection.
- Kids deserve honest, age-appropriate answers about family changes and estrangement.
- Boundaries can coexist with compassion, even when explaining hard truths to children.
- Breaking cycles is hard—but it’s an act of love, strength, and generational healing.
Going no contact with your parents is brave. The average age at which an adult chooses estrangement from a parent is 26. Typically, this decision comes only after many attempts to repair, manage, or maintain the relationship.
Whitney Goodman, LMFT, founder of Calling Home, explains:
“In my experience, estranged adults make several attempts to repair things with their parents throughout their lifetime at a minimum. Unfortunately, what is often overlooked are the methods by which those attempts are made. We often don’t recognize those attempts as attempts because of the child’s age at the time of the repair.”
“This is likely why many adults feel like they do not want to explain to their parents why they’re upset with them and what needs to be fixed—because they have already done so, so many times throughout their life. I find that many adults I have spoken with did make additional and final attempts to explain to their parents or to go to therapy with them before becoming estranged.”
Read More Here: The Importance of Spending Time with Grandparents: How They Enrich Our Lives Through Warmth and Wisdom
Parenting Without Grandparents? Your Reasons Are Valid!
Estrangement isn’t just about TRAUMA, in capital letters.
While childhood abuse is one of the most commonly cited reasons for estrangement, it’s important to acknowledge the broader spectrum of harm. Even if you didn’t experience overt physical or sexual abuse, your reasons for going no contact are just as valid. Feeling chronically dismissed, devalued, or demeaned can create deeply toxic dynamics.
Goodman adds:
“While there might not be a history of abuse in childhood, many adults report that they need to become estranged from their parents because their parents are unable to relate to them or treat them well today. This may be due to emotional immaturity, an inability to respect boundaries, difficulty allowing the child to become independent, or lack of acceptance of their adult child’s identity—such as sexual orientation, gender identity, political views, or religious beliefs.”
Talking about how and why we arrive at no contact is important—and worthy of its own post. Here, we’ll focus on what happens after that decision is made, specifically how to communicate the situation to your own children.
Now You’re a Parent—What Next?
Breaking intergenerational cycles is hard enough when you’re doing the work solo. Add parenting into the mix, and it becomes even more complex. You’ve worked hard to create a home rooted in emotional safety—a home where mistakes are acknowledged and repaired, where big feelings are met with validation, and where respect flows in both directions.
This may be the opposite of the home you grew up in, and wanting to protect your children from that environment makes sense. But going no contact doesn’t erase the pain overnight. In fact, the decision is often the start of a longer, messier journey. When you factor your children into the equation, things can get even more complicated.
Kids Are Curious—That’s a Good Thing
If your children have had contact with your parents in the past, they’ll likely ask questions. “Why don’t we see Nana anymore?” “Where did Grandpa go?” These are natural, healthy curiosities.
Your job is to respond with honesty—without burdening them with adult pain. There’s a balance to strike between truth-telling and oversharing.
What to Say and How to Say It
Here are a few gentle but clear ways to respond to your children’s questions. Start by validating their curiosity:
“It’s okay to wonder about this. I’m glad you asked.”
For Kids Ages 5 and Up:
- “We don’t see Grandma/Grandpa right now because our relationship isn’t safe. Even though we’re related to someone, it doesn’t always mean the relationship is kind or healthy.”
- “There were some problems between me and Grandma/Grandpa that are hard to fix. I made the decision not to see them because it’s the best choice for me and our family right now.”
- “In our family, we believe everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and respect. Sometimes people have a hard time doing that, and when that happens, it’s okay to take space.”
- “Some families see their grandparents a lot, and others don’t. Every family is different. What matters most is that we take care of each other in the ways that feel right and loving for us.”
For Kids 5 and Under:
- “Grandma/Grandpa and I aren’t spending time together right now. Sometimes grown-ups need space, just like kids do when they feel upset or hurt. It’s not your fault—we’re all okay.”
- “Sometimes families make changes to help everyone feel safe and calm. Not seeing Grandma/Grandpa is one of those changes for us. We’re still a family, and you are very loved.”
- “Grown-ups sometimes get really upset with each other, and that’s what’s happening between me and Grandma/Grandpa. It’s okay if you feel sad, confused, or miss them. I’m here to talk about it with you anytime.”
Rewriting the Narrative
Emotional transparency doesn’t mean emotional burden. Your child might feel sad, confused, or even angry about the absence of a grandparent. Your role is to validate those feelings while maintaining the boundary that keeps your family emotionally safe.
Jess Sprengle, LPC, shares:
“A person opting to go no contact with a parent is almost always a last resort, and not a decision made without years and years of heartache preceding it.
It isn’t a ‘screw them, I’ll show them’—it’s more often, ‘If I stay in this relationship, I’m compromising myself and my values and causing more harm than good. I don’t deserve that.’
No person wants to not have parents. On a fundamental, pre-verbal, attachment-oriented level, we all seek love, care, and nurturance from our caregivers. To walk away from that—because you can’t get those things—is against biology. Which only speaks to how much strength it takes, and how painful it is.”
Read More Here: When Grandparents’ Love Goes Sour: 8 Signs Of Toxic Grandparents And How To Survive Them
Final Thoughts
This is hard, and you are brave. Choosing to break cycles in the name of emotional safety is no small thing—it takes daily effort, emotional labor, and support.
Find community among others who have made similar choices. Work with a therapist who understands family estrangement. And surround yourself with people who see your strength and honor your resilience.
You are not alone—and you are doing something powerful.
If you need support on how to talk to your kids book a parent coaching session: https://www.ediestark.com/parent-coaching.
Written by: Edie Stark LCSW, MSc
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
Leave a Comment