If you are in a relationship, have you ever thought that โI want to change my partnerโ? Thinking that โI should be trying to change my partnerโ or expecting your partner to change is more complex than you think. Moreover, asking your partner to change might not always be the right thing to do.
Key Points
- A partnerโs choice or inability to change doesnโt reflect on you or your worthiness.
- Change is complicated, and it can feel confusing about whose responsibility it is in a relationship.
- Try to pick partners you donโt have to change to love or feel loved by.
In my office and outside of my work as a therapist, I notice that people often wish their significant others would change. They even take on ownership of the result; for example, they believe their partner didnโt change because they didnโt communicate well enough or didnโt stay persistent enough.
Further adding to their frustration, we know that people can change. (Of course, people can, or I wouldnโt have a job as a therapist!). However, โchangeโ is complicated and can feel confusing about whose responsibility it is in a relationship.
Related: Stop Trying to Fix Your Partnerโs Feelings
3 Popular โI Want My Person to Changeโ Scenarios
The person you love:
- Wonโt commit, but you want them to.
- Has annoying or bad habits you want them to change.
- Has mental health issues you want them to fix.
I hope these examples and considerations can save you pain, self-questioning, and time.
Can I Change My Partner?
1. The person youโre dating says, โI donโt want a relationship/commitment right now.โ You do.
You may decide to hold on, trying to love them into loving you and committing to you. Many choose this option. They hope and believe it will work.
Romance movies and fantasy books often show that loving someone deeply and purely will be enough to change that personโs noncommitment stance into a commitment. In real life, Iโm sure that can happen on occasion. Yet, from what Iโve witnessed, itโs not very common.
Consider this:
If you sincerely want a committed partner, itโs usually not a good idea to take on the challenge of someone who voiced, โI donโt want a relationship/commitment right now.โ I understand it can feel tempting to try anyway. Certainly, the feeling of winning over someone can seem alluring.
However, thereโs a big chance that the person meant what they said, and youโll spend a lot of time, energy, and love not changing their mind. Also, along the way, your quest for a commitment may get confused with what you think โloveโ is. Healthy love is not that.
Related: 5 Things To Do When Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking Promises
2. Your partner โalwaysโ does this annoying or hurtful habit. Theyโd be less annoying or hurtful if theyโd stop it. So, you ask them to change.
What starts as quirky or tolerable can eventually grow to gnaw at your last nerve. Harmless habits like the caps off the toothpaste and the cupboards not shut can certainly annoy you when you prefer the caps on and cupboards shut.
And harmful practices like yelling or swearing that make you uncomfortable can be downright hurtful, upsetting, or even scary.
Hereโs the thing: If any of those habits were present at the start, you signed on for this person as isโand they may have reasons for their actions youโre unaware of.
For example, what if your partner believes itโs genuinely better and easier to leave the cap off the paste? The foodโs easier and quicker to grab without the obstacle of a closed door? Believe it or not, they could view your request as less reasonable than theirs.
On the other hand, their yelling or swearing may be far from harmless depending on context and intent (e.g., general venting-type in front of you versus yelling at you; the latter could land in the โverbal abuseโ category).
Heartbreakingly, in either case, your partner may not be able to stop themselves, regardless of how much they love you.
Consider this:
Outside of the heated moment with your person, you might share how the habits affect you. For example,
- โWhen I see the cupboards open, I get so bummed out!โ
- โWhen I hear you yelling, I feel sad and sometimes even scared.โ
- โWhen I watch you yell and swear, it makes me pull away when I want to feel close to you.โ
Then, ask them if they might be willing to change their approach.
- โDo you think you might be willing to try and put the cap on more often?โ
- โIf you need to yell, is there anything we can do to help me feel more comfortable and safer?โ
- โAny ideas? I donโt want to pull away from you; I love you.โ
If they say they want to do things differently and still donโt, they could have been giving you lip service or be stuck in old patterns, not knowing how to change.
But, on the other hand, suppose you witness them reading self-help books, going to a therapist, or inviting you to talk it through more or to help support them. In that case, theyโre probably genuinely trying to change. As a general rule, though, unless they decide they want to change their ways, they typically wonโt in any lasting way.
Please note this important reminder: If you are experiencing any form of abuse from your partner, your safety is vital. The change might need to come from you regarding seeking help and safety.
3. Your loved one seems to be struggling with a mental health condition (e.g., depression, panic, eating disorder, substance abuse, or something else) and communicates, โI donโt believe I can heal or change.โ
Mental health troubles can create an exception to the idea that change must come from within the person. For someone afflicted with a mental health condition, they may choose to try to change for you.
For instance, they may want a better relationship with you than their mental health condition allows. They may feel obligated not to โlet you down.โ They also may have lost hope for themselves. In any case, they may reluctantly agree to try healing or treatment for you more than for themself.
Consider this:
In those cases, it can be tempting to say something like, โYou need to do it for you,โ because you want them to own their choice. But please consider holding back that critique.
They may not be able to decide to change for themselvesโyet. Instead, it can be most mutually beneficial for you to seize the moment of agreement, encouraging or even helping your person to start therapy or treatment.
Hopefully, theyโll shift to engaging in or maintaining the changes for themselves during their healing process. After 15 years in the mental health field, I have seen that happen innumerable times.
Related: Can Abusers Change? 11 Signs Your Abusive Partner Is Changing For Good
In Conclusion
Yes, you can express your needs and wants to a partnerโasking them to change. However, if they donโt accommodate you, please donโt jump to โThey didnโt love me enoughโ or โIโm not worth changing for.โ
Their inability or unwillingness to change does not reflect your worth.
I want to remind you of a powerful quote from Maya Angelou: โWhen someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.โ Try to pick partners you donโt have to change to love or feel loved by.
Want to know more about whether expecting your partner to change is a good thing or not? Check this video out below!
Written By Alli Spotts-De Lazzer Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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