Everything Would Be So Different If You Were Still Alive

if you were alive 1

It doesnโ€™t matter that itโ€™s been years since youโ€™ve passed away. It doesnโ€™t matter that half of theย people that are now in my life have never even met you. I still think about you all the time. I still wish you were here. After all, everything would be so different if you were still alive.

Of course, when I say โ€œeverything,โ€ I donโ€™t actually mean everything. Chances are, Iโ€™d still be living under the same roof and working the same job. Iโ€™d still be dating the same boy and taking care of the same dog. Only little things would change, but the little things mean the most.

If you were still alive, I wouldnโ€™t have to push theย happyย memories away, because theyโ€™re too painful to replay in my head. Iโ€™d just think of them and smile, and then pick up the phone to give you a call.

If you were still alive, Iโ€™d have one more person to introduce my boyfriend to. One more person to embarrass me with awkward stories about my childhood. One more person to welcome him into our fucked up family.

If you were still alive, then there would be one more voice cheeringย over the fireworks onย Fourth of July. One more voice yelling at the baseballย game and one more voice singing along to whatever bullshit song popped on the radio.

If you were still alive, there would be one less tattoo adorningย my body. One lessย date that made me burst into tearsย every single year.ย Your birthday would be the only date that reminded me of you, and weโ€™d have a hell of a good time celebrating.

If you were still alive, thereโ€™d be one more person for me to call whenever I needed a designated driver. One more person to screamย at me for acting likeย an irresponsible kid. One more person toย make me feel like Iโ€™d be missed if anything ever happened to me.

If you were still alive, there would be one more invitation to send out forย my wedding. One more person to dance with when The Electric Slide flooded through the speakers. One more person to tear upย and tell me how happy they are for me and my new hubby.

If you were still alive, Iโ€™d have one more person to show around my new apartment. One more person to dog-sit for me during weeklong vacations. One more person toย tell me that theyโ€™re proud of everything Iโ€™ve become.

If you were still alive, I wouldnโ€™t have to talk to you through prayers or through my dreams. I could send you a text or write you a letter or just show up on your front stepย in the middle of the goddamn night, and youโ€™d be happy to listen.

If you were still alive, I wouldnโ€™t have pushed certain people away. I wouldnโ€™t be as pessimistic andย cold as I am now. I wouldnโ€™t be so terrified of losing someone again, someone I care about as much as you.

But if you were still alive, I might notย have realizedย that the whole โ€œlive eachย day like itโ€™s your lastโ€ mindsetย is legit. That I need to treasure every momentย while I still can and tell my family I love them as much as possible.

As much as I miss you, Iโ€™m thankful for what you taught me while you were here, and what youโ€™re continuing to teach me now that youโ€™re gone.


By Hollyย Riordan

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