It can be a emotional time when a loved one is dying. Explore insights from Diane N Solomon on some of the important things to consider and ways to offer care.
How to keep it comfortable—and not awkward—during a loved one’s final days.
Key points
- Compared to other major life transitions—birth, marriage, retirement—we tend to be avoidant around death.
- Gently push back against end-of-life stigma and learn to offer support and comfort instead.
- A few simple steps can help soften the journey for everyone.
In the not-so-distant 19th and early 20th centuries, death took place at home. Funeral parlors didn’t exist; the actual parlor in a home (usually the fanciest room) was used to lay out a dead loved one, conduct wakes, and so forth. Children grew up around death and were more comfortable with it than adults today. Currently, many adults have never even seen a dead or dying person.
That can make people so uncomfortable they avoid seeing their dying loved one or reaching out altogether. That may lead to regrets long after the loved one is gone.
Read More Here: What Is Anticipatory Grief: Embracing Tomorrow’s Sorrows Through 6 Stages of Understanding
What To Do When A Loved One Is Dying
Healthy ways to avoid fears and regret are to gently confront your concerns, learn a few simple tactics, and offer presence and support instead. Here’s how:
Don’t stay silent, paralyzed because you don’t know what to do or say.
Do be honest and make your struggle transparent: “I’m so sorry, I’m not sure what to say or I’m afraid it will be wrong.” The dying person often wants to talk but doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. Opening the door with honesty offers a treasured gift.
Don’t ask what you can bring.
Do, instead, be more specific: “I’m at the store, can I bring a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, any produce?” “The pharmacy is right next door, what medication or supplies are running low?”
Don’t ask global questions like, “What do you want to do?”
Do, again, be specific: ask what’s often thought of as a hospice question: “What is most important to you right now?” They may say they want to tie up loose ends with a family member or friend. But they could surprise you with something simple or mundane: “I really want to watch the last Lakers game.” “I’m dreaming about homemade lasagna; I know I can’t eat much, but the smell in the house makes me feel so good.” Or, “I want to take a hot bath.” Helping grant a simple wish or two is often accessible and so meaningful.
Don’t keep your physical distance.
Do ask if touch is OK. Would they like a hand or foot massage? Can you hold their hands? Many shy away from the dying person’s body, worried they might hurt or contaminate them. But even if unconscious, the dying still feel and hear, probably long after they can’t respond. If they can’t tell you, try touch and see how they respond. You know them well and can probably sense if touch is welcome and comforting.
Don’t worry about addiction.
Do listen for words that suggest pain, as well as body movements or vocalizations that look or sound painful—they probably are. Using prescribed medication for pain relief is critical to keeping a dying person comfortable and able to enjoy their last days and hours.
Surprisingly, family members are often reticent to give pain medication for fear of addiction (don’t worry, the patient doesn’t have time to become addicted), or fears of “giving too much.” Comfortable pain relief is most important at end of life, and if death is at all hastened, it’s generally only by hours. Withholding pain relief only increases suffering, both for the dying and those who are with them.
Don’t bring up a lifelong list of hurts (yours or theirs).
Do use your personal variation of the “four things that matter most” by Dr. Ira Byock, M.D., at end of life: “Forgive me,” “I forgive you,” “thank you,” and “I love you.” All these are poignant conversation starters and can be said more than once. Say what you need to say. You can also ask what your loved one wants or needs to talk about. Again, ask multiple times if needed; they may change their mind or remember something they want to clear the air about. You’ll likely both feel better when they do.
Don’t feel the need to fill space with words.
Do enjoy the powerful nature of silence, music, nature outside the window, touch, or anything else that offers connection for you both, with or without talking. Non-verbal communication speaks volumes and can offer great comfort and relief.
Don’t think you’re a “bother” to medical staff with questions or worry.
Do contact hospice or health care staff at any hour of the day or night, whenever you need. Hospice staff and your end-of-life team can help you avoid, for instance, last-minute ambulance rides to hospital for what are often costly, intrusive, and futile measures that don’t prolong life. The team works for you and your loved one. They expect calls at odd hours. Absolutely reach out anytime you need.
People who harbor lingering regrets after a loved one dies often ruminate on whether they should or shouldn’t have done this or that. Don’t should on yourself. Be there for your loved one in these simple ways to support a unique and powerful journey for you both. Address regrets now, while you can. You’ll rest easier into bereavement, and almost always, your loved one will rest easier too.
Read More Here: Picture Books About Grief And Loss: 14 Gentle Stories For Difficult Times
References
Diane N Solomon, Lissi Hansen, Judith G Baggs, It’s All About the Relationship: Cognitively Intact Mother–Daughter Care Dyads in Hospice at Home, The Gerontologist, Volume 58, Issue 4, August 2018, Pages 625–634, https://doi.org/10.1093/geront/gnw263
Byock, I (2014). The Four Things That Matter Most – 10th Anniversary Edition: A Book About Living. Atria Books.
Written by Diane N. Solomon, PhD, PMHNP-BC
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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