Ever wish you could hit reset after saying the wrong thing? What if do-overs existed? Below are the relationship mistakes and some tools to help overcome it!
Mistakes happen all the time. What if some of them can be instantly repaired?
Key points
- The do-over offers you a quick way to get things back on track after a mistake.
- Mistakes handled well actually strengthen your relationship.
- Skillful handling of mistakes avoids the relationship-destroying trap of trying to be perfect.
Read More Here: Lonely Together: The Mental Health Toll Of Disconnection In Relationships
Quick Fix for Relationship Mistakes
In your relationship tool kit is an overlooked little gadget of enormous usefulness: the do-over.
Your partner comes through the door at the end of the day looking weary. You’re cooking dinner. They say sharply, “I thought I told the kids not to leave their bikes on the porch,” and you respond sarcastically, “Thanks a lot for spreading good cheer!”
OK, deep breath. What just happened? We might guess that both of you are at the end of a long day’s work dealing with bosses, kids, and all kinds of life hassles. Totally understandable that you’re each out of patience. On the other hand, now things have just gotten worse. Instead of having a chance to help each other feel better, you’ve added to your load.
But, what happens if one of you takes a deep breath, lets a minute of silence go by, then says with a smile, “OK, let’s try that again.”
Mistakes in relationships happen all the time, generally every day. The goal for strong relationships is not to eliminate mistakes but to get very good at handling them. In fact, mistakes handled well strengthen individuals and relationships more than not making mistakes.
How so? If we don’t know how to repair and recover from the injuries of mistakes, there is increased pressure to be perfect, something we cannot do and instinctively know we cannot do. We feel trapped in the impossible situation of trying to be perfect. This inevitably feels like failure and feels unsafe emotionally. On the other hand, handling mistakes well creates a relationship where it is safe to get it wrong and safe to learn. We come to trust that we will be forgiven and that the relationship is sturdy.
There are many useful tools for dealing with mistakes: apology, forgiveness, patience, acceptance, and—everybody’s favorite–talking it through. These all have their place, but the overlooked strategy is the “do-over.” The do-over is the shortcut to all the things you want and need after a mistake that was hurtful: acknowledgement, apology, forgiveness, teamwork, and learning. An amazing feat!
So What’s in the Way?
The do-over requires willingness and ability to quickly release the bad feelings generated by the mistake. We tend to have trouble doing this. In some way, we feel that hanging on to these feelings serves us. We are, in so many ways, influenced by assumptions based on belief in punishment and consequences.
We may feel that it is dangerous and just plain wrong to “let people off the hook.” Sometimes when our partner missteps, we behave as if the relationship is like the legal system: Find the culprit, try them, and punish the guilty. Ever notice how often, when something goes wrong, the discussion seems to center around whose fault it is?
Furthermore, we may not have learned yet how to quickly recover from uncomfortable feelings. Interestingly, when researchers studied the effects of long-term meditation, they asked practitioners if their meditation practice had changed anything about their emotions.
The meditators said that they still experience emotional reactions, but the difference is that the emotions happen and then are quickly gone. You don’t have to be a lifelong meditator to start to learn the art of releasing painful feelings more quickly. In fact, experimenting with the do-over will help you to learn this.
The Power of the Second Chance
One of the reasons that the do-over is so important and works so well is that it is a great relief to be granted a second chance. Most people are trying very hard to be good people: good citizens, good partners, good parents, and good children. We care about whether the other person loves us, but we also care deeply about being capable of doing the right thing.
When we make a mistake, we feel bad, burdened by it. These bad feelings can lead us to defend ourselves, or to retreat, or worse yet, they become part of a negative self-definition. Being granted a second chance is like a “get out of jail free” card. You try again and succeed rather than being stuck in failure.
Incidentally, imagine also how valuable this is for your children. When you offer a second chance instead of just correcting a mistake, you reinstate their sense of being a success.
Caveat
So, can it really be that simple? Here’s the caveat: Sometimes the mistake that you handled with a do-over will require circling back for a more extensive repair and learning. There will be times that, even if the do-over is successful in the moment and lets you move on, the mistake or mistakes involve repeating patterns that are causing larger problems.
In this case, you will need to schedule a time to discuss how to work together to learn and change. Even so, the quick second chance is still a good strategy in the moment. Longer talks go best when you plan them rather than spontaneously launching a discussion at the moment of difficulty.
Humor, Perspective, Humility, and Generosity
The do-over often contains a bit of humor and perspective, both very valuable to couples. You share a moment of irony at how easy it is to go off track and how easy it is to recover. You share the pleasure of accepting mistakes as just a normal part of life together.
With each do-over, you strengthen the foundations of the instant second chance. We all screw up; we try to learn from our mistakes; we work as a team to handle mistakes with humility and generosity. We trust each other to do this.
Read More Here: Over Communication In Relationships: The Toxic Habit That Feels Healthy
Have you been able to strengthen your relationship? Share your thoughts about this relationship tool in the comments below!
Kathryn Ford, MD invites readers to open a new perspective through The Aperture Effect. Learn more and get your copy here
Written by Kathryn Ford, M.D.
Originally appeared on Psychology Today
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