Couples therapy isn’t a sign something’s broken – it’s a sign you both care enough to build something stronger. The benefits of couples therapy show up fast: clearer communication, more trust, deeper intimacy. If you are stuck wondering when to seek couples therapy or whether couples counseling is “worth it,” here’s the answer you have been avoiding.
KEY POINTS
- Fear and stigma around couples therapy are common but often based on misconceptions.
- Therapy isn’t just for crises; early intervention leads to better outcomes.
- Couples therapy improves communication, trust, intimacy, and sexual connection.
- Waiting too long allows unhealthy relationship patterns to become deeply ingrained.
Imagine your partner asks you to go to couples therapy.
What do you feel?
It wouldn’t be uncommon for you to feel a pit in your stomach as you imagine going to talk to a well-educated stranger about all of the most vulnerable parts of your relationship.
It might even sound like a nightmare, even if the pillows are soft and the office smells like lavender.
Some of the most common fears about going to couples therapy are the worry of blame or judgment (for example, that the therapist will take sides, Williamson, Karney, & Bradbury, 2019), the anxiety that therapy won’t work or will make things worse (Cordova et al., 2005), and the concern of social stigma, such as worrying about what others might think (Doss, Atkins, & Christensen, 2003).
Many are apprehensive about making that first phone call to a couples counselor. And given that couples therapy requires two willing clients and that partner resistance is often cited as a barrier (Williamson, Karney, & Bradbury, 2019), it’s nearly a miracle when a couple reaches the point of sitting on my couch.
Going to couples therapy for the first time can be scary. So you might wonder, “Is it really time to do that? Now?… Do we really need couples therapy?”
When I hear this question, I’m struck by the word need. It’s as if we should wait until things are completely broken before seeking help. However, the truth is that couples therapy isn’t just for crises.
The better question is, “Can couples therapy help?” And the answer is usually yes. There is a wealth of research to support the notion that couples therapy improves relationship functioning and satisfaction (for a meta-analysis, see Shadish, Montgomery, Wilson, & Bright, 2011).
Related: 10 Commandments for Partners in Couple’s Therapy
It’s a proactive way to strengthen your connection, improve communication, and build a healthier relationship before problems become overwhelming.
In fact, going to couples therapy earlier leads to more positive relationship outcomes, along with enhancing emotional connection and communication skills (Snyder, Castellani, & Whisman, 2006).
If you’re going down a challenging path, it’s best to change directions before you get too far down the road.
Couples therapy helps you change direction by providing you with the communication skills and corrective emotional experiences you need to move in the right direction.
If you are struggling with any of these issues in your relationship, it might be time to try couples therapy.
4 Benefits Of Couples Therapy
1. Communication difficulties.
These are the most common reasons that couples seek therapy. It is a broad way of describing the general feeling of misunderstanding that couples feel when they aren’t getting each other. And feeling misunderstood sucks. It hurts.
Many couples find themselves caught in conflict that seems to go nowhere – they end up having the same argument over and over with no resolution.
Couples therapy can help you finally understand each other, potentially on deeper levels than you ever have before.
2. Trust breaches.
These can manifest in various ways in relationships. Sometimes it’s something big, like an affair. Sometimes its an event as seemingly small as not remembering a birthday.
As humans, we are always implicitly asking our partner the question, “Are you there for me?” And when we feel alone in the world, even for just a moment, the result can be a rupture of the very foundation that our relationships are built upon.
By diving deeper and changing the way you express yourself and hear each other, couples therapy can help you move toward finally healing those ruptures, rather than spinning your wheels.
3. Lack of emotional intimacy.
Many couples come to my office not because they are fighting, but because something is missing in their relationship. They feel distant and far away from each other, like they are roommates rather than lovers.
When you turn toward each other emotionally, you strengthen your bond and bring closeness back into your relationship. A couples therapist can guide you along this journey.
4. Struggles in the bedroom.
Although we don’t often talk about sexual difficulties in our society due to their ‘taboo’ nature, you may be shocked by how common they are.
Research shows that approximately 40–50% of individuals experience some form of sexual concern or dysfunction at some point in their lives (Laumann, Paik, & Rosen, 1999; Shifren et al., 2008).
Whether it’s that you’ve stopped having sex altogether, are experiencing a discrepancy in sexual desire, or are struggling with erectile dysfunction, you don’t have to experience healing from these struggles alone.
Related: 3 Reasons Why Communication Is Crucial For Sustained Intimacy
Couples therapists are adept at helping individuals address these concerns through talk therapy and homework exercises that can help you reconnect with your partner on an intimate level.
Waiting to go to couples therapy gives more time for patterns to become ingrained and entrenched. In the absence of intervention, relationship dynamics become patterns that reinforce themselves and intensify over time.
Conflict that escalates will only escalate more without an interruption to the cycle. Emotional disconnection will only worsen over time if no changes are made.
If you’re wondering if it’s time to go to couples therapy, then that may be your answer.
My recommendation? Do it now, because it will be easier than if you wait until you’re further down the road.
References:
Cordova, J. V., Warren, L. Z., & Gee, C. B. (2001). Motivational interviewing as an intervention for at-risk couples. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 27(3), 315–326. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2001.tb00330.x
(Note: This paper includes discussion on fear of therapy making things worse.)
Doss, B. D., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2003). Who's dragging their feet? Husbands and wives seeking marital therapy. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 29(2), 165–177. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2003.tb01198.x
(Discusses stigma, resistance, and gendered reluctance.)
Laumann, E. O., Paik, A., & Rosen, R. C. (1999). Sexual dysfunction in the United States: Prevalence and predictors. JAMA, 281(6), 537–544. https://doi.org/10.1001/jama.281.6.537
Shadish, W. R., Montgomery, L. M., Wilson, P. M., & Bright, I. (2011). Effects of family and couple therapy on functioning: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 25(3), 423–442. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023999
Shifren, J. L., Monz, B. U., Russo, P. A., Segreti, A., & Johannes, C. B. (2008). Sexual problems and distress in United States women: Prevalence and correlates. Obstetrics & Gynecology, 112(5), 970–978. https://doi.org/10.1097/AOG.0b013e3181898cdb
Snyder, D. K., Castellani, A. M., & Whisman, M. A. (2006). Current status and future directions in couple therapy. Annual Review of Psychology, 57, 317–344. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.57.102904.190034
Williamson, H. C., Karney, B. R., & Bradbury, T. N. (2019). Barriers and facilitators of relationship help-seeking among low-income couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 33(2), 234–239. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000485
Written by Tasha Seiter MS, PhD, LMFT
Originally Appeared on Psychology Today
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