Loving Someone Doesn’t Have To Mean Staying In Bad Relationship

 / 

,

Dating is hard, there are a lot of couples who aren’t quite as happy as they seem. But why? After so much disrespect, abuse, and selfishness why do some people still love their partner? Why do they stay in bad relationship? Is it because of their love for someone or lack of love for themselves?

KEY POINTS:

Saying "but I love this person" and staying in the relationship may indicate a fear of changing the status quo. 
Maladaptive beliefs such as "this is as good as it gets" or "my partner can't survive without me" keep people stuck.
Loving an abusive partner may be a sign of unhealed past trauma.
The key to getting over love for an ill-fitting partner is to turn that love toward oneself.

Why Do We Get Stuck In Bad Relationships?

More often than not, it’s because of the common belief that if I love you, that means we should stay together. Of course, it’s always good to see if you can work things out when a relationship has gone off the rails. But if you’ve tried and tried and the relationship isn’t improving, it’s time to get real about what “But I love this person” really means.

We End Up In Toxic or Bad Relationships

Why Do We Stay In Bad Relationships

It means we’re looking for an irrefutable excuse to maintain the status quo. Why? Because our hearts lie to us. They tell us, for example, that…

  • We’ll never find someone else.
  • Our partner can’t survive without us.
  • We can’t survive without our partner.
  • This relationship is as good as it gets.

All of those are feelings, not facts. And they point to the very dysfunction that may have drawn us into the relationship in the first place.

Related: 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal

“But I Love This Person!”

Let’s take a look at the love you have for your partner. If your partner regularly causes you pain, how often do you get to experience love? If she’s moody, selfish, ill-behaved, disrespectful, or downright abusive toward you, how did you come to love her so much?

Treat your love of an abusive partner with suspicion. It may be a signpost pointing to past trauma. Love doesn’t hurt the giver or the recipient. It lifts them both up and makes life better. And although all good relationships require effort at times, healthy relationships are not a never-ending plod through the muck. They don’t involve repetitive, mysterious short cycles of good times and terrible times.

Love Yourself First

What many of us call love is an intense reaction to emotional wounding. Unhealed trauma draws us toward unfulfilling situations. Bad relationships remind us of other important relationships in which we didn’t get what we needed. We repeat harmful patterns not because we’re foolish, but because we want to fix them.

Self-love Doesn’t Mean You Feel Superior

Instead of putting yourself through more pain, take the love you feel for an ill-fitting partner, and give it to yourself. Acknowledge any attachment trauma you may still be carrying, and treat it. Therapy can help.

Instead of remaining hopelessly attached to an inappropriate or abusive partner, you can become more attached to yourself. Self-love is not a consolation prize. It’s the prize.

Related: 5 Steps To Better Emotional Boundaries

The more you truly love and accept yourself, the better a partner you’ll attract and become for someone else. This sounds like an empty platitude, but that doesn’t make it less true.

It’s hard to leave any relationship because of the maladaptive beliefs mentioned above (e.g., “This is as good as it gets”). But if you’re frequently suffering because of your partner, things could be a lot better.

Once you’ve taken steps to improve the relationship — such as couples counseling, reading self-help books together, and practicing new behaviors — you’ve done what you can. There’s no need to stay aboard a sinking ship.

Love yourself first. And even if that means leaving a relationship that couldn’t be saved, you’ll finally know what real love feels like.


Written By: Tina Gilbertson, LPC
Originally Appeared On: Psychology Today
Republished with permission
loving someone doesnt have to mean staying in a bad relationship pin
stay in bad relationship pin

— Share —

— About the Author —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

Complacency: The Silent Killer Of Relationships

How Complacency Can Ruin A Perfect Relationship

Has your relationship slipped into complacency? When comfort leads to blurred boundaries, it’s time to reignite the spark. Learn how to refresh your connection together!

Can being too comfortable in a relationship lead to the end?

Key points

Complacency can happen over time in relationships.

Becoming too comfortable leads to blurred boundaries.

There are ways to refresh a relationship if complacency sets in.

Up Next

The Goldilocks Method for Getting Your Needs Met In A Relationship

The Goldilocks Method For Getting Your Needs Met In A Relationship

Struggling to express your needs effectively? Discover the Goldilocks Method and find the balance between assertiveness and gentleness to communicate what you need confidently and clearly.

Ask for what you need and set limits without being too meek or too forceful.

Key points

Finding the middle ground between asking too forcefully or too meekly can help you get what you need.

Your needs and limits are unique to you.

Writing a script and practicing can maximize your chances of getting what you need.

Up Next

How Playfulness Can Transform Your Love Life

How Playfulness In A Relationship Can Transform Your Love Life

Is your relationship feeling stale or distant? Wondering how to reignite the spark? Discover how bringing playfulness into your love life can create deeper connections and renewed passion.

Looking to revive a dying flame? Try the power of play.

Key points

The four types of relationship playfulness are other-directed, intellectual, whimsical, and lightheartedness.

Other-directed and intellectual are the most highly predictive of relationship satisfaction.

All types of playfulness are related to at least some facet of relationship well-being.

Up Next

7 Types Of Intimacy To Deepen Your Relationship

Ever wondered how to deepen your bond with your partner? Learning these 7 different types of intimacy in a relationship that can bring you closer in meaningful ways. Try it out now!

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Intimacy is important, but how do we cultivate it?

Up Next

Heteropessimism: 5 Ways Your Inner Man-Hater is Wrecking Your Relationships

What if I told you that behind the laughter at a casual gathering, there lies a subtle undercurrent of discontentment, a shared sentiment that many can relate to but few openly acknowledge? Have you ever wondered why jokes about marriage being a life sentence draw chuckles instead of gasps? Or why no one is surprised when a friend introduces their partner as “my current husband” rather than simply “my husband”? These seemingly innocuous moments reveal a phenomenon deeply ingrained in our societal fabric, one that writer Asa Seresin termed “heteropessimism” in a 2019 article for The New Inquiry.

<

Up Next

4 Types of Emotional Attachments: Recognize the Right Bond You Are Cultivating

In a world where emotional attachments are being tagged as overrated nowadays, soft-hearted souls still yearn to find perfect emotional bonds.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Emotions, alongside trust and resilience, are foundational pillars of a thriving relationship. As our post-modern society undergoes significant shifts in how we connect with others, understanding em

Up Next

5 Relationship Blind Spots: Are You Missing These Warning Signs?

Do you know what a “blind spot” in driving is? It occurs when your vision gets blocked, and that can cause accidents. Similarly, relationship blind spots, cloud our judgment and influence how we interact with people or make decisions.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Blind spots can be damaging to relationships and can destroy your peace of mind, so learn to