Do you often struggle to make a decision be it career, job, relationship? Is there something you feel is very important but canโt figure out what to do? Ask yourself these three questions when you canโt make the decision?
Part of Kathy Caprinoโs series โThe Most Powerful Youโ
Back in 2004, I had left my 18-year corporate marketing career for good, and was in the process of a complete career transformation. I was studying to become a marriage and family therapist, and engrossed in my Masterโs degree studies in that field.ย I had one year left to go in my studies and began obsessively worrying about the exact next steps I should take after graduation.ย
Iโd go over and over questions in my mind, day and night, such as, โShould I work for a social services agency, or go out on my own?โ โWhat about starting a private practiceโcan I afford this or should Iย take another route?ย โIf I do proceed in that direction, should I launch a new venture with several of the other people in my program, or join an existing practice?โ And โWhen should I start this process of creating a new practice?โย
The questions kept coming, with no end in sight and no solid answers emerging. The options rolled around in my head continuously and gave me so much anxiety. I asked a good number of people what they thought, but it still didnโt resolve my confusion. I couldnโt quell my fears that Iโd blow it and make a very bad move, in great part because Iโd made a lot of wrong moves in my previous corporate life that really hurt me and led me far from who I wanted to be. For the life of me, I just couldnโt make a decision about what I should do.
During that time, I had a conversation with my friend and colleagueย Trudy Griswold and told her of my dilemma, and she shared some powerful advice that was life-changing for me. I follow this advice to this day and offer it any chance I getโto my clients, course members, colleagues, family and friendsโwhenever they too are in the swirl of indecision that is keeping them up at night and fueling chaos and anxiety.
Related: The Three Parts Of The Mind: How It Affects Your Decisions & Your Life
Hereโs what Trudy shared and how Iโve interpreted and used it all these years:
When youโre in the middle of a period of gripping indecisiveness (what I now call โthe swirlโ thanks to a client who shared that term with me) about something you feel is very important but canโt figure out what to do, take a step back and examine yourย decision-making processย as a whole. Ask yourself three key questions:
#1: Do I have enough information to make this decision?
So often, we go around and around about an issue or question, trying to make a decision when in fact, we simply donโt have a sufficient amount of data, research, experience or information to arrive at a successful conclusion or opinion. For me, for instance, I had a full year to go in my studies, including a long period of both an internal therapeutic internship (at the therapy clinic at my university) and an external intern role where Iโd be working directly for a local social services agency providing therapeutic support on a wide range of client issues.
It turns out that after doing these yearlong internships, so much was answered for me. In short, I needed that year of additional training and learning before I could make any kind of sound decision on my next step after graduation.ย
Related: How To Stay Motivated โ Ask These 6 Questions
#2: Do I have to make this decision now?
Secondly, is this a decision that must be made today or even this month or year? If not, stop agonizing.ย Itโs not time yet to decide. Identify when you really do need to make this decision and put the actual due date on your calendar, then let it go.ย
Tell yourself you will revisit this when you need to and then release it. And assure yourself that youโll be much farther down the path of knowledge and wisdom at the time you have to decide, than you are now.ย
Itโs important though that you commit to doing whatโs necessary to gain the added experience and knowledge you need to, to be well-informed about the issue when the time comes to make the decision. Identify what you need to learn in this period, and how you will gain this additional learning and know-how so that when the decision must be made, youโll feel ready and equipped to do it.ย
Looking back, if I had made a decision about the post-graduate direction when I had been agonizing most about it (one year before graduating), it would have most likely been the wrong choice, given the degree of information and learning I was missing.
Related: Who Are You? based on Your Answer to The Worldโs Greatest Philosophical Questions?
#3: Is it any of your business anyway?
Finally, ask yourself if what youโre agonizing about is really something thatโs in your control or something thatโs truly in your bailiwick to weigh in on or act on.ย So often we become embroiled in thinking about other peopleโs lives and choices, we often forget that the issue at hand isnโt really any of our business in the first place. If ourย boundaries arenโt sufficient, for instance, we become enmeshed with others, taking on their challenges, choices, problems and pain as if itโs ours. And we have a very difficult time understanding where we end and others begin.ย
For instance, in the example above, I might go into a swirl when I hear that one of my Masters program classmates has decided to pursue a direction that I had rejected for myself. Then, I might become consumed with the idea that Iโve made a mistake inย my thinking and should be pursuing this other personโs choice.ย
What other people do is interesting information, but itโs a mistake to assume that what others do is automatically the right choice for you. What they do is their business, not yours. Great decisions and sound choices for you need to be aligned withย your unique values, your talents and passions, your goals for your life,ย who you like to collaborate with, the way in which you want to lead, and so much more.
Related: 50 Questions To Ask Yourself To Know Your Deepest Insecurities
The second aspect of this question touches on the common habit of obsessing about other peopleโs lives when really, we shouldnโt be involved. For instance, imagine that your friend shares that sheโs been fired without cause. She asks your advice on what to do, and you give it, but you canโt stop thinking about whatย sheย should do and say and how you think she should react. You get swept up into an emotional vortex, somehow forgetting that itโs not your dilemma to solve.
In the end, when youโre struggling with making an important decision, itโs essential to pull the viewfinder back and examine more clearly theย processย youโre engaged in, in trying to land on the best course of action.ย Get the decision-making process straight, and your final decisions will satisfy and support you in a much deeper way in the future. And your mental health and emotional well-being will thank you as well.
Written by: Kathy Caprino Originally appeared on: Forbes.com Want to dramatically boost your power, confidence and impact in your career? Check out my Kathy Caprino's newย book -ย The Most Powerful You: 7 Bravery-Boosting Paths to Career Blissย - today! To order in Australia and New Zealand,ย click here,ย in the UK,ย click here, and elsewhere outside North America,ย click here. Thank you!
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