Talking with someone we disagree with is an unpredictable nightmare for a lot of us. Tensions escalate quickly, especially in times of uncertainty.
In our present political climate, many of us are experiencing a breakdown in our ability to engage the โother side.โ When these channels of communication fail, it can represent a significant loss to our relationships, our families, our communities, and even our democracy.
How can we overcome such deep polarization?
This article discusses ways to improve conversations with people with whom we disagree on any given subject.
Note: This article presumes you are speaking to someone who is not posing an immediate threat of violence or abuse to you or to others. If that is the case, seek the professional guidance of a therapist or mediator.
Before we dive in, let me offer that we should advocate passionately and articulately for causes we believe in. The goal here is not to tone ourselves down or apologize for our beliefs, but to become more effective, credible, and collaborative when weโre engaging with people who see the world differently.
Why does this matter? It matters because while many of us are afraid of disagreement, the fact is that disagreement is a natural part of life. It can either be healthy or unhealthy. If we seek to protect our relationships and strengthen our communities instead of allowing them to be torn apart, we should prioritize healthier disagreement.
Related: How Productive Fighting Can Strengthen Your Relationship: 10 Ways
11 Tips For Talking To Someone You Disagree With
1. DO: Tell People They Matter.
Before anything else, make sure you reinforce your relationship with the person. Saying things like, โBefore I say anything else, I want to make sure you know that I care about youโ or โI want to respect you and appreciate your perspectiveโ goes a long way. Instead of walking into a conversation ready for a fight, which immediately puts everyone in earshot on the defensive, try warming up with โHi, itโs me. Someone who cares.โ
Remember not to say, โI care about youโฆ but.โ Itโs important not to qualify. Expressing that they matter, full stop reminds both of you of the value of the relationship over and above personal beliefs and ideals. Itโs a big glowing reminder that our humanity is determined by how we treat each other, not by how much we agree.
2. DONโT: Let Frustration Overcome You. Channel It.
Itโs hard to stay calm when people are saying things you strongly oppose. It can be tempting, and even cathartic in the moment, to blow up at them.
Take a moment and remember a time when you changed your mind about something. Did that experience involve someone screaming at you or shaming you? Probably not.
Our goals in difficult conversations should generally be to 1) Protect the relationship with that person, and 2) increase your understanding and increase the chances that you will be understood. These goals are much harder than exploding.
In those times when you feel like a boiler ready to burst, take a deep breath and focus all of that energy into justโฆ making more sense. Donโt explode, donโt lash out. Channel that frustration into pure, unmitigated reason. Make that energy work on your behalf.
If you canโt channel it at that moment, thereโs absolutely no problem with saying, โIโm too angry, I need to take a break.โ Go blow off some steam, and come back to this later. Thereโs always time for a pause if youโre in over your head. Because if you donโt slow down and pause, you risk putting the entire relationship in jeopardy. You might lose any credibility or trust that you have been working to build.
So protect your investment in that person, and do everything you can to stay in productive communication with them (except in cases when stronger boundaries are needed or itโs necessary to end the relationship for your own safety).
3. DO: Acknowledge Fears Under The Surface.
In my book, I argue that all conflict has some kind of fear at its core. Humans generally want to live and not die. We want to be free and not controlled. We fear chaos and seek meaning and order. Itโs important to recognize which fears are driving someoneโs belief structure.
- โI can understand how you would feel if you believed that if _ doesnโt happen the world will fall apart.โ
- โIโm afraid of seeing my country crumble.โ
- โDo you know what Iโm scared of?โ
Itโs important for strong emotional connections to understand the things we have in common. Acknowledging fears shows empathy, and itโs a reminder of our shared human experience. Sometimes, fear may be the biggest thing we have in common.
Donโt rush past this important and very real element. If a conversation is stuck in the mud and not going anywhere, examining and sharing fears can get things moving in a more fruitful direction.
Related: 5 Ways To Stay Calm During An Argument With Your Spouse
4. DONโT: Assume The Worst.
The vast majority of us want to be good. We want to fight for the best possible world and do the right thing. We may have different visions of how to get there, but itโs important to assume someone means well until we have definitive proof that they donโt.
Try to make a point to say things like:
- โI can understand where you are coming from.โ
- โI can see your intentions come from a good place.โ
- โYou make a good point there.โ
Show that you see the person beneath the opinions. Show that you assume they have good intentions unless you have direct evidence to the contrary. Try to interpret what they say in a generous light, even if you plan to push back against their ideas.
What does this accomplish? It shows our conversation partner that we arenโt hellbent on attacking them just because they are on the โotherโ side. Extending goodwill is both reasonable and neighborly. It creates a spirit of collaboration. Even if we think someone is in espousing weird or problematic ideas, telling them that we hope for and expect the best from them builds a bridge.
Except in extreme cases where someone is saying something blatantly malicious, try to see what value or merit their ideas hold. Give credit where itโs due, and someone is more likely to open up and have a real conversation.
5. DO: Share Your Sources.
The information we use to construct and uphold our beliefs is incredibly important. Where we get this information is also important. The problem is, in the digital age, thereโs a lot of convincing false, or misleading information floating around in the world.
Share your sources of information, like articles, books, or documentariesโand be ready for the possibility that people will critique those sources or reject their legitimacy. Thatโs all part of the process of social negotiation and healthy disagreement. If your sources are legitimate, they should have no problem holding up under scrutiny.
If someone rejects your sources, try to find sources you can both agree to accept as valid, even if you understand those sources might have bias. Hereโs a handy guide for validating sources of information.
Related: Feeling Stuck In Useless Relationship Fights? 3 Steps To Get Out
6. DONโT: Launch Verbal Grenades.
Some words can be perceived as emotionally aggressive and create the opposite effect of collaborative, productive discourse.
This includes any of the following:
- Name-callingโwords like โstupid,โ โignorant,โ โcrazyโ
- Blanket statements that include the words โalwaysโ or โneverโ
- โZingers,โ โgotchaโ moments, or clap backsโthese are momentarily gratifying but may erode your relationship with the person
- Personal (ad hominem) attacks
- Labels that people have not adopted themselves
- Swear words (Iโm not opposed to swearing in general, but in difficult conversations, swearing can be distracting and heighten emotions and defensiveness)
Of course, we are able to use these words if we so choose; itโs a free country. But if we really want to be credible and trusted during a disagreement, if we want to maximize our impact and understanding, we will take caution. These words breed hostility and anxiety.
When we use them, those who might have been sympathetic to our cause may now think we are a jerk.
7. DO: Show You Understand, Even If You Donโt Agree.
We canโt play basketball if we donโt know what actions constitute a violation or a foul, right?
The same is true when we disagree. If we walk into a conversation and donโt take the time to actually listen and understand the nuance of what someone is saying or believing, we are playing the game without understanding the rules. We might say things that donโt make sense or fit the situation, which could mean our participation becomes frustrating or irrelevant.
We might also miss opportunities to make good points that we could have made if we had only paid attention. Everyone wants to be heard, especially in disagreements. Not being heard, or having our words twisted, creates a lot of resentment. So take the time to listen.
And after weโve listened, then make a point to reflectโliterally, and out loud. Let them know that we listened:
- โSo if I understand you correctlyโฆโ
- โIt seems like you are saying __, is that accurate?โ
- โCan I summarize what Iโm understanding so far?โ
8. DONโT: Use Sarcasm And Refrain From Speaking In Sound Bites.
Sarcasm, especially sarcasm in online conversations, can be particularly risky for discourse because we canโt always hear or accurately interpret auditory tone. It can be hard to know when someone is being facetious.
Try to say exactly what you mean and donโt crack jokes at someoneโs expense. Remember, your long-term relationship with that person is more important than the present conversation. If you want to be influential with them, if you want to stay in community with them, you will seek to use direct language that doesnโt leave room for misinterpretation.
In addition to refraining from sarcasm, take the time to spell out a longer response or explanation instead of trying to use sound bites that can be taken the wrong way or seen as cocky. If the conversation matters to you, take the time to patiently spell it out.
All of this said, using humor to lighten the mood can be helpful when things start getting too intense. But use caution if you are talking about a serious topic where people have experienced pain. In such a case, humor will more than likely come across as insensitive.
Related: How to Read Eyes And Know What Someone Is Thinking
9. DONโT: Be Condescending.
Nobody likes a know-it-all.
Even if youโre dripping in academic knowledge, even if you can talk circles around someone, you will alienate them the minute you act superior. Having more knowledge than someone else does not make you a better person. Note that weโre not talking about confidence, here.
Confidence is important. Ultimately, being condescending is about control: seeking to control or force someone to agree with us and implying that if they donโt, theyโre bad or stupid.
How do we stop being condescending? Here are a few ideas:
- Put an end to explaining things people may already know, interrupting, acting as if you are the final authority, or being incredulous that someone doesnโt know something
- If youโre writing to someone, read your draft out loud and take a good, long look at your tone
- Ask someone else to read it and to give their honest opinion.
- Admit the possibility that you could be wrong or lack information. Recognize your limits. Qualify your ideas with โI-speakโ statements like, โthe way I see it,โ โin my experience,โ โin my research,โ or โin my opinion.โ
10. DO: Teach And Be Teachable.
Good teachers are patient, gracious, and give people the space to discover things at their own pace. They donโt get mad at someone for not knowing something. Importantly, good teachers donโt mistake โuninformedโ for โstupid.โ Smart people can believe untrue or misleading ideas, and it doesnโt make them less smart. It means they might have gaps in their understanding or unreliable sources. Intelligence and education are different; remember not to confuse the two.
Be teachable, too. When weโre speaking to a peer, it goes a long way to allow ourselves to be challenged. Saying things like โI never thought about it that way,โ or โThatโs new to me, Iโm going to read up on thatโ shows that we are a co-learner. If we want to teach, we need to be open to being taught.
A two-way exchange of information equalizes the power dynamic. People are more likely to open up when they are talking to a peer who is still on a learning journey, just like themselves.
11. DO: Thank Them For Disagreeing.
This last one is big: Say โthank youโ when someone takes the time to disagree. It may not seem like it, but disagreement is truly a gift. When someone disagrees with us, they didnโt have to take precious time out of their life to engage. They donโt owe us their attention or courtesy.
When they do choose to disagree with us in healthy ways, they are offering a courtesy. Try to recognize and honor the awkward beauty of that exchange.
In conclusion: Healthy disagreement is worth the effort.
It is indeed possible to have a conversation with just about anyone, on just about any topic, and not lose our nerve. However, healthy disagreement doesnโt magically happen. Itโs hard work. It requires skills, practice, and courage. The work is worth it, however, because we need to disagree well in order to have strong communities and a strong society.
As we condition our conversational muscles, remember that we canโt control other people. We canโt decide who must agree with us, when, or to what extent. But we can build bridges instead of bonfires.
Related: Perception Vs Reality: 7 Things To Keep In Mind
Contact Melody atย melodystanfordmartin.com.ย for such informative articles.
Written By Melody Stanford Martin
Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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