Sometimes the temptation to cheat can feel overwhelming, but going forward with it is not always a good idea, is it? If you have been feeling this urge for quite some time, then maybe you need to develop certain skills that can stop you from doing this.
Key Points: Managing temptation is humanity's struggleโmost everyone you interact with today is challenged by some temptation. Sexual temptation is a struggle for a lot of people, at least periodically. Specific strategies can help you manage temptation and make good decisions for yourself and your primary relationship.
I know your pain because Iโve heard about it so many times in my sexย therapyย office. You love your partner. You never in a million years thought youโd be tempted to cheat.ย Monogamyย just seemed natural and right, something you happily chose for yourself.
And now, you canโt stop thinking aboutโฆ your colleague/your wifeโs best friend/your neighbor/your ex. You feel guilty, but at the same time, titillated. Worried, but oh so excited. What if you two are soul mates? Youโve held off making a move, but theย flirtingย seems to be increasing in spite of your best intentions. You fantasize about them when youย masturbate, and sometimes even during sex with your partner.
You call me, distraught. Scared. Confused. You ask my help in solving what feels like an impossible situation.
Managing temptation is humanityโs struggleโwhether we are tempted by chocolate, yet another cat, one more pair of shoes, or people. Ancient religious doctrine addresses the challenge of temptation, as do programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and Weight Watchers. Expecting to sail through life relatively unchallenged by temptation is simply unrealistic.
Related: What To Do If Youโre Thinking About Cheating To Get Out Of A Relationship
So first off, know you are in good company. Most everyone you interact with today is challenged by some temptation. How well they manage it depends on many variables, including how emotionally and physically tired they are, their mood state, their level of connection and social support, and theirย genetics, among many other variables.
But letโs talk about you, and sex, and how you can best proceed to increase the odds of your making good choices for yourself and your primary relationship.
Keep in mind that the construct of the monogamous long-term partnership is a terrific concept but itโs not a biological mandate. That means itโs not necessarily inherent to human nature, nor is it supported by our evolutionary biology. As a result, many if not most people find themselves challenged to some degree by the monogamy ideal.
Thatโs not an excuse for bad behavior, and it doesnโt mean that you are destined to be unfaithful. It just means that this could be considered a challenge you must tackle periodically in your lifetime.
Some Strategies That Can Help You Avoid The Temptation Ofย Infidelity:
1. Put Yourself In Your Partnerโs Situation.ย
How would you feel if you discovered your partner had been unfaithful? Itโs a complex situation that could make you feel both less confident in your relationship and less confident in life.
You may be less trusting of others, feelย shameย for being betrayed, etc. Feeling these nuances can help you empathize with your partner and make temptation less enticing for you.
Related: 15 Surprising Things You Didnโt Know About Cheating in Relationships
2. Play Out How Your Partner Would React If You Cheated And They Found Out.ย
Literally, imagine that conversationโword for word. What would your partner say and do, and how would you respond? What would you be thinking in those moments?
3. Ruin The Fantasy.ย
Infidelity is much more enticing if you allow yourself to focus on the fantasy of the connection rather than the harsh reality that will likely soon follow. That reality includes theย guiltย you will carry; the inevitable pain for all involved when someone either ends the affair and/or your partner finds out; and the fallout with family and people close to you who wouldnโt support or understand your choices.
Reminding yourself about the almost inevitable pain ahead may be enough to realistically refocus yourself.
4. Talk To Someone You Trust About It.ย
Just the act of hearing yourself speak can help you find strength and clarity. A trusted,ย wiseย other can shock you into reality and tell you what you need to hear. An honest conversation will help break yourย denialย and hopefully offer you support in this painful time.
5. Force Yourself To Refocus On Your Current Relationship.ย
Fantasiesย about another prevent you from channeling energy and effort into the emotional andย sexualย state of your current romance. Take an honest look at what you need in your relationship that you arenโt getting, as well as what you arenโt giving your partner.
We can all cultivate our skills in giving and receiving love better. Use this experience as a wake-up call so that you can reset your romance on a better path. All long-term relationships can benefit from a re-focus and re-set every once in a while.
6. Reschedule Your Life So You Arenโt Interacting With The Person You Fantasize About.ย
Thereโs no surer way to avoid temptation than to not be in the presence of it.
Related: 5 Things To Do If You Suspect Your Spouse Is Cheating
Being human isnโt easy, and temptation is a part of life. Developing your skills at managing temptation is empoweringโit feels good to be able to trust yourself and feel in control of your behavior. Long-term relationships offer us some of our most profound experiences of love as well as some of our most profound life challenges. Garner your strength today so you can look back on this moment with pride.
Written By Marianne Brandon Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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