She’ll never want to let you go.
If you want to know exactly how to make a girl fall in love with you, and what you need to do or create in order to allow a woman to feel capable of connecting with you on a meaningfully profound level, there are some important things you need to know about basic human needs that go a bit deeper than the typical dating advice you’ll find.
In 1958, American psychologist Dr. William Schutz introduced a theory he called Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation™ (FIRO®).
Within this framework, he defined three basic needs most human beings share in regard to their relationships with others:
- The need for control
- The need for inclusion
- The need for affection
Side note: as Schutz’s theory expanded and he developed assessment instruments over the decades, his tools were found to work well in coordination with the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI®), and licensing rights for it’s use are now owned by the same parent company.
But back to getting you the girl …
These three fundamental needs derive from the importance men and women alike naturally place on feeling significant, competent and likable in our interactions and relationships with others. We all want to be important, wanted and included, just as we all fear being ignored, humiliated and rejected.
Based on Schutz’s theory, here’s how to make a woman fall in love with you and feel deeply attached by meeting her three most basic needs.
1. Meet her need for control
If you really care for a woman and want her to feel deeply attached to you, it’s important that you give her a sense of control.
In order for her to open her heart, she needs to feel safe enough trusting you.
One way to establish this trust is by making sure she always knows when she’ll see you or hear from you next.
Rather than leaving her out there hanging, worrying about when you’ll call, text or make plans to see her again, maintain clear communication so she knows what to expect. This lets her know she is an important person in your life, which means you also fulfill her need to feeling significant.
For instance, if you end a date by saying you’ll call her tomorrow, it’s extremely important that you following through on that promise.
When you do, you act in integrity with who you are, and you make her feel seen and appreciated.
If you don’t, you’ve broken a promise. As a result, her unconscious fear of being ignored is likely to be triggered, which means she will begin to distrust you. Over time, your repeated broken promises will cause her to lose respect for you.
There is a powerful connection between feeling you have a measure of control and feeling safe. If you don’t make a woman feel safe with you, you will likely lose her.
2. Meet her need for inclusion
When you share your life and circumstances with her, you bring her closer to you by making her feel included. The more you share about yourself, the more she feels connected to who you are.
When you open up to her about your daily achievements and problems, you make her feel she’s a part of what’s going on in your life. As a result, you create a deeper connection with her, which is exactly what many men unconsciously try to avoid by not communicating about things that are important to them.
If you prefer listening quietly to her without sharing much about yourself, you may satisfy her need for attention, but eventually, she will feel as though she is giving you everything and you are giving her nothing. She may even unconsciously feel humiliated if she believes you don’t think she’s good enough or smart enough for you to confide in her.
When you get together with your girlfriend, if all you want to do is have fun and make jokes with her, you may think you’re being entertaining, but in fact, your humorous manner is more likely to come off as you insisting on wearing a mask intended to keep you disconnected from her at “safe” distance rather than inviting her in more closely, which is what she really needs in order to become more deeply attached to you.
3. Meet her need for affection
We all want to be loved, adored and cherished, so these desires are part of the third ingredient in Schutz’s theory. And understanding which of the five love languages you and your girlfriend speak, as well as what each language represents, is a great way to meet your woman where she is.
According to the theory first written about by Dr. Gary Chapman in his book, The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate to Your Mate, each of us have a primary (and, typically, a secondary) love language which is the manner in which you naturally prefer to both express and receive love.
If words of appreciation are of primary importance to a woman, she loves it when a man expresses his thoughts about her intelligence, beauty and other positives attributes with frequent compliments.
When women prefer receiving gifts, tokens of your appreciation, such as flowers, chocolates, jewelry and the like, confirm to her that your feelings are true.
Some feel most loved when their boyfriend is there to perform acts of service or devotion, such as making sure she always has a full tank of gas, taking the trash out to the sidewalk on the day it will be picked up, or fixing broken items around the house.
Another way some women prefer to give and receive love is through physical touch. A woman who speaks this love language may be especially eager not only to have sex, but to cuddle with you as you watch TV, or to feel your hand resting on her knee as you drive.
Finally, there are women who most fully feel your love when you share quality time together. When you make sure to be home at a certain time so the two of you can catch up, or you carve out one day per week to spend only with her, she feels safe and secure in your love for her.
The more you learn about your partner’s love language, the more you can meet them where they are and make them feel loved, adored and cherished.
And if you manage to make a woman feel loved, while also fulfilling her basic needs for a degree of control and inclusion … well then, you will have mastered your way to deep attachment and to making her fall madly in love with you in return.
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Written by Maria Appelqvist, PhD.
Originally appeared on Yourtango.com
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