Itโs natural for anyone to want to avoid a difficult conversation. But given current events today,ย these conversations are more and more likely to occur. Itโs important that we stay open andย empatheticย in these conversations rather than cutย people off.
We need to build connection rather than create larger divides towards extremism.
When you recognize that itโs time to have a difficult conversation, here are 10 steps you can takeย toย prepareย and thenย host the conversation.
1. Find the reason/purpose forย havingย this difficult conversation.
โI want to learn what happened from your perspective.โ
โI want to give you a chance to express your views/thoughts.โ
โI want to problem-solve together.โ
Read: The Art of Conversation: 25 Great Conversation Starters
2. Identify what emotions are connected to this conversation or could be triggered in you.
People know me as the โnice guyโย but now this person may think Iโm mean.
3. Invite the person to have a conversation based on theย purpose identified earlier.
โHey, I felt that the project didnโt go as well as I wanted and I wanted to get your thoughts as well as discuss mine about what we could have done better. Does meeting later today work for you? Or perhaps next week?โ
4. Determine the right way to have a conversation with this individual.
Typically, I prefer to just get to the point, but I know this personย isย shy. Maybe I should schedule extra time to ensure I donโt push too quickly.
Read: How To Keep a Conversation Going? The Art Of Listening For Hooks
5. Assume positive intent.
.Even though I feel hurt, itโs very unlikely that they actually were trying to hurt me.
6. Fact-find.
โThe project got delayed, and I would like to hear your perspective as to why and whether we can prevent future delays.โ
7. Clarify and dig deeper.
โIt sounds like you were really angry because this reflected poorly on your abilities.โย
Related: 48 Deep Conversation Starters To Know Someone Better
8. Express your perspective.
โIโmย anxiousย about bringing this up butโฆโ
โThere are a number of things that I did that made this more difficultโฆโ
โI think the reason this impacts me more is that I donโt like to think of myself as someone whoโฆโ
โIโm finding myself reacting emotionally, and I want to ensure that I stay open and positive in this conversation, are you okay if we just take 10 mins?โ
9. Problem-solve.
โNow that we understand each otherโs perspectives, how do we prevent this from happening in the future? Specifically, who should do what, when?โย
โLetโs test our solution: In a scenario whereย I notice deadlines are beginning to slip, will our approach help?โย
โWhen should we meet to see if our solution is working?โ
10. Reflect andย follow-up.
How do I feel now? Satisfied? Anxious?
โIs our solution working? What do we need to adjust?โย
This post provides you with just the basics forย a difficult conversation and high-level details about how to prepare and host the conversation. However, each of these steps requires a great deal of preparation and insight. Here is further information about how toย prepare forย andย host a difficult conversation.
Remember that we tend to judge ourselves by ourย intentions, but we judge others by theirย impactย (our interpretation of their actions). So even when we have good intentions, we can have a negative impactโand just because you were negatively impacted, doesnโt mean they had negative intentions. Be kind, give people the benefit of the doubt, and find solutions together.
For more information contact Lauren Florko atย http://www.triplethreatconsulting.ca/
References
Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (1999). Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. NY: Penguin Group.
Written by: Lauren Florko, Ph.D.
Originally appeared on: Psychology Today
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