โGrief is a most peculiar thing; weโre so helpless in the face of it. Itโs like a window that will simply open of its own accord. The room grows cold, and we can do nothing but shiver. But it opens a little less each time, and a little less; and one day we wonder what has become of it.โ โ Arthur Golden
The healing benefits of time donโt apply to us if we arenโt doing the work. โTime heals all wounds.โ We hear this phrase time and time again, but I hadnโt really thought about how inaccurate it is until recently.
The reality about โtime healing all woundsโ is this: Unless we are truly willing to process our deeply rooted, irrational beliefs about ourselves (such as โI am not good enough,โ or โI am unlovableโ), time doesnโt do anything.
When I was in high school, two of my friends died in a car accident. Seven years later, after four years of sobriety, I began to actually feel the weight of that grief. I learned the hard way that we donโt actually flow through the stages of grief when we are in an active addiction. Time didnโt heal my grief; time just passed while I continued to drink it away.
In 2015, I decided that I needed to seek out good therapy. I say good because not all therapy is beneficial. Iโve heard countless stories about friends or patients seeking therapy for years and simply venting for an hour while their therapist listened. That. Is. Not. Therapy.
I believe that therapy should be challenging, collaborative, and at times uncomfortable. It needs to be more than me hearing myself talk for an hour while someone listens with a blank expression on their face. (Thatโs just me, though.)
It was in therapy that I discovered an enormous amount of unresolved grief, childhood and adolescent trauma (which, of course, I had minimized), and a massive barrier that I had constructed between myself and genuine connection.
Related: 4 Steps To Have Hope In Hard Times
In the last five years of incredible therapy, Iโve uncovered so many more core underlying beliefs and complexes that I had no idea existed. My insight and awareness availed me nothing; I have my Bachelorโs Degree in Psychology and Masterโs in clinical mental health counseling, but I still couldnโt make the connections on my own.
Over a decade after my first ever experience with rejection, I still am on the lookout for all coping behaviors, like seeking attention or putting my walls up. I have to continuously unlearn old patterns of thinking and acting on a daily basis, or else I so subtly sink back into them.
If one experienced trauma at age five, and they never dealt with it appropriately (with professional help), that trauma is still alive and well when they are 55. If I chose not to jump headfirst into my own emotional experiences and combat my fears with an open heart, there is no way Iโd be able to be in a healthy relationship today.
The reality is this: Time doesnโt heal anything. Time presents us with the opportunity to bury our pain as deeply as we can.
The kicker, though, is that the pain will undeniably manifest in other destructive ways in our lives, even if we think there is no correlation. So if youโre sitting back, letting time go by so you can feel โbetterโ about a certain experience, stop.
Maybe the point isnโt to feel better. Maybe the point is to feel. I challenge you to look inward, to lean into the discomfort, and to process your deepest and most vulnerable thoughts and feelings.
Make the most of your time. Create space to journal, to find a therapist, to confide in a close friend, or to pray. Allow yourself to speak to the part of you that hasnโt been heard, hasnโt been seen, and hasnโt been validated.
We all have parts of ourselves that have been buried so deeply that weโve consciously forgotten that they are there. Subconsciously, though, they are running rampant.
I hope this article ruined your day. I hope it awakened you to a truth so deep that youโve neglected to acknowledge it for years, or even decades. Because if youโre feeling that discomfort, that means Iโve touched something in you that didnโt want to be found. That means youโve resonated with the words on this page, and your defense mechanisms are in full swing.
Related: The Five Stages Of Grief: Exploring The Kรผbler-Ross Model
Consider this your flashlight. Look inward.
And remember, be gentle with yourself.
Written By Hannah Rose Originally Appeared On Psychology Today
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