Are you and your partner fighting more than usual? Do you know that there are a few vulnerabilities that ruin your relationship?
All couples come to experience the raw buttons of their partner. Happy couples understand each otherโs imperfections and enduring vulnerabilities, while unhappy couples use these enduring vulnerabilities as firepower in the heat of a battle.
ย
Instead of holding hands, they point fingers.
Pushing Each Otherโs Raw Buttons
Steven and Ruth met while traveling through Brazil five years ago. Both are in their late thirties, and both had a difficult childhood.
Steven was abandoned by his father at the age of 6. He felt like a burden because his mom constantly stressed about money and his childhood expenses.
Ruthโs mother divorced her dad and moved 400 miles away. Because Ruthโs father was a workaholic, she spent most of her time at her dadโs girlfriendโs house. His girlfriend often shut her in the basement because she โneeded silence.โ
As a couple, they travel to faraway lands. Yet these exotic trips are full of conflict.
While in Thailand, Steven lost Ruth just before they were going to get on a boat to visit another island.
Assuming Steven would wait by the dock, she wandered off to get some fresh coconuts to drink. After 7 minutes of waiting, Stevenโs mind went into panic mode. He freaked out and ran down the streets looking for her.
When he saw her walking towards the dock, he was enraged.
โWhere did you go?โ
She looked at him with big eyes as if to say, canโt you see? There are two coconuts in my handsโฆ
โWhatโs wrong with you?โ.
โI had no clue where you went to!โ Steven shouts. โWhat were you thinking? The boat is about to leave?โ
Ruth doesnโt respond. She thrusts a coconut in his arms, grabs her bags, and sits on the boat alone. Steven feels upset that Ruth is ignoring him. Like she doesnโt recognize that heโs stressed out.
He remains there, stewing for the duration of the ride. When they arrive at the dock, the tension has vanished over the waves, but the underlying issues were never discussed or resolved. The issue lurks below the surface like a shark, eagerly waiting to attack in the next conflict.
Are you unknowingly ruining your relationship? Read 10 Silly Habits That Seem Insignificant But Slowly Ruin Relationships
ย
What Are 3 Things That Hurt Your Partner?
Every individual has a handful of issues that breaks us down. These issues often originate in our childhood and are carried into our adult relationships.
The essence of our issues can typically be placed under three things that cut to the heart of our insecurities.
Oblivious To The Insecurities of Love
Steven and Ruth are oblivious to each otherโs insecurities and how theyโre slowly being pushed apart. They are unaware that their shared childhood abandonment is bleeding through their connection.
Stevenโs insecurities cause him to believe:
- He is a burden that becomes his partnerโs problem
- His partner struggles to trust him
- His partner would leave him at any time without a care in the world
Ruthโs insecurities cause her to believe:
- She has to do everything alone
- Everyone is unreliable and she canโt count on her partner
- Other peopleโs expression of emotion is overwhelming and childish
As you can see, the boating incident shows how successful they are at pushing each otherโs buttons. They did nothing to relieve the otherโs distress.
Ruth was insensitive to Stevenโs fear of abandonment by not telling him where she was going, and she was shocked at his anger. Steven was insensitive to her withdrawal when he was upset. He was unprepared to make amends when he found her.
I donโt think Steven and Ruth intentionally wanted to hurt each other. But their lack of expertise on each other caused them to both be in the dark about each otherโs vulnerabilities as they floundered in the hostile emotional territory.
They both remain helpless to each other and they both struggle to repair the situation, ruining their relationship one misunderstood moment at a time.
ย
Happy Couples & Vulnerabilities
Happy couples, on the other hand, understand the intimate details of what breaks their partner and what builds them up. Couples that last understand when their partner is feeling down and can get a sense of why without asking. They also know how to repair the bond and remedy the situation.
Learning new ways of loving that create healthy relationships requires more than just a mindset shift or the latest relationship tools. It requires healing your attachment brain through healthy connection with others. Doing this requires vulnerability, personal growth, and acceptance that your partner and you are dependent on each other.
If we choose to enter into a relationship, we are choosing to accept all of our partnerโs history and baggage. Imagine if your partner took responsibility for your past injuries received by the hands of people theyโve never met and were consciously sensitive around these delicate topics.
Want to know what happy couples do to sustain their relationship? Read 6 Communication Strategies Of Happy Couples in Relationships
How would you feel if your partner did that for you?
Amazing and loved, right?
Love is a conscious choice made every damn day that says, โIโm here for you through everything. Iโm even here through the shit that has hurt you in the past and still hurts you today.โ
Couples who last together accept each other โas isโ and take responsibility for each otherโs care. Baggage and all. When their partner becomes distressed they can relieve it. When their partner is joyful, they amplify it. When their partner needs space, they understand and have a mutual plan to reconnect. I have found in my practice that this kind of detail, love, and connection feels like a superpower.
And yes sometimes our partners are a real pain in the ass. After all, we are too, sometimes. Your role of being your partnerโs lover requires you to care for them, even when they are a pain in the ass.
Love requires courage. The courage to be vulnerable and stay open to our feelings even in conflict, even when we are hurt and angry. Love bids us stand connected with our lover, rather than shutting down emotionally, even when it is difficult to do so.
The only way to love and become experts on each other is to mutually work together to understand one another.
As couples do this, conflicts stop being about who is winning and who is losing. Instead, conflicts become a catalyst for closeness that creates a win-win for both partners.
Becoming an expert on your partner requires you to be an expert on yourself. Before working to recognize your partnerโs top three vulnerabilities, I require clients to understand their own vulnerabilities. As part of my Passionate Relationship Toolkit, I added a new workbook called The 3 Vulnerabilities of Love. Itโs completely free for subscribers.
Before your partner and you get in another fight, do this exercise. It will transform how you fight for the love of your life.
Every relationship goes through a few trials and tribulations. If you want the fights to be temporary, then you have to keep in mind that these vulnerabilities can ruin your relationship. Focus on having a healthy relationship, and you will see that it will stand the test of time.
If you want to know more about the vulnerabilities that ruin your relationship, then check out this video below:
This article was originally published on KyleBenson.net.
ย
Leave a Reply