The Mother Wound: How It Can Lead To Codependency

The โ€œmother woundโ€ is not a typical term you may hear in aย counselingย orย therapyย session, but it may be a factor that is influencing your relationship with partners. While the mother wound is most often associated with daughters, it is possible for sons to also have mother wound factors that influence their relationships.

Understanding the Mother Wound

The best way to think of the mother wound is a loss or a lack of mothering. This is typically a deficit in the mother-daughter or mother-son relationships that is passed down through generations, and it is a reflection on how we have experiencedย parentingย and how we parent.

While not a specific diagnosis, it is a way of looking at how current codependency behaviors may be linked to missing elements in the past.

Children whoย are raised by alcoholics, drug-addicted mothers, or mothers who haveย mental health conditions, either undiagnosed or untreated, may struggle into their own adulthood.ย 

However, there are also children who are raised by mothers who do not have these challenges. These are mothers who may provide for the physical needs of the children, and even interact with the children in a positive way, but simply do not provide the deep love andย attentionย that all children require.

They may not have been abusive or neglectful, and they may never have engaged in negativity in their relationships with the children, but they were also always distant and less tuned-into the emotional needs of their children.

Related: 5 Ways In Which Lack Of A Motherโ€™s Love Affects Her Daughterโ€™s Life

Signs of the Mother Wound

Adults dealing with a mother wound often look back on theirย childhoodย and can identify issues such as:

  • Never feeling they had their motherโ€™s approval or acceptance.
  • Concerns about not being loved by their mother or not being loved as much as other siblings or family members.
  • Difficulties in relating to the mother on an emotional level.
  • Uncertainty about the relationship with the mother and if it could be lost with a mistake or an accident.
  • Always trying to do better or to be perfect, to attempt to gain your motherโ€™s attention and acceptance.
  • Feelings of having to protect, care for, or shelter your mother rather than her protecting, caring for and sheltering you.

These types of feelings throughout childhood reduceย self-esteem, feelings of self-worth, and feelings of worthiness to have a positive relationship. Individuals with a mother wound always feel incomplete and lacking in their ability to connect with others, while also having deeply rooted feelings about the need for perfection and control.

As these are similar childhood factors to those linked to codependency, the presence of the mother wound, if not healed, can contribute toย codependentย patterns of relationships.

Healing the Mother Wound

While the mother wound is not a clinical or medical diagnosis, it is a factor that people struggle to address and to heal. Therapy can be instrumental in healing the mother wound by:

  • Exploring the feelings of the inner child and allowing those feelings of being ignored, unloved, unwanted, or not valued to be expressed in a safe, therapeutic environment.
  • Learning to validate and love ourselves creates a positive emotional and mental picture of our lives as they are in the present time, letting go of the past concept of self-developed by our interactions with our mother.
  • Setting boundariesโ€”creating a relationship with the mother that is based on your needs and the ability of the mother to change and contribute to your emotional needs in a healthy, positive, and fulfilling way.

Related: 19 Signs You Were Raised By a Narcissistic Mother or Father

Working throughย forgivenessย and being able to let go of past negativity in both codependency and the healing of the mother wound is essential for developing self-esteem and personal autonomy moving forward.

References:

Grant, K.-L. (2014, April 13). Is The Mother-Wound Ruining Our Romantic Relationships? Retrieved from Elephant Journal: https://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/04/is-the-mother-wound-ruining-our-romantic-relationships/
Kovanen, D. M. (n.d.). How Does The Mother Wound Impact Men? Retrieved from Dr. Mari Kovanen Counselling Psychology: https://www.drmarikovanen.co.uk/how-does-the-mother-wound-impact-men/
Webster, B. (n.d.). Why it's Crucial for Women to Heal the Mother Wound. Retrieved from Bethany Webster: 

Sherry Gaba, LCSW specializes in codependency, love addiction, and trauma.ย Take herย quizย to find out if youโ€™re struggling with co-dependency, sign up for aย 30-minute strategy session. ย For more information visitย www.sherrygaba.comย or sign up today for Sherryโ€™s onlineย group coaching program. Buy her booksย Love Smacked: How to Break the Cycle of Relationship Addiction and Codependency to find Everlasting Love orย Infinite Recovery.


Written By Sherry Gaba 
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today

When you are trying to heal from your motherโ€™s wound, you need to work towards forgiveness, and moving on from your past. The more you hold on to that pain, the more it will hurt. Itโ€™s not going to happen overnight, but trust your inner strength and take one step at a time, to build back that self-esteem and trust that you have lost over the years.

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