Every romantic relationship is different; while some can be very lovey-dovey, some might not feel very comfortable about openly expressing their romantic feelings and engaging in PDA. However, there is one type of couple that we all might have come across at some point or the other: the couple with a love-hate relationship.
They are those couples who are either fighting or are madly in love with each other, and there is absolutely no in-between. One moment they are threatening to break up with one another, and in the very next moment, they will be cozying up together. From an outsider’s perspective, this kind of thing can be hard to witness and deal with.
And the truth is, it might be draining and annoying for the couple in question too. But they have become so used to this dynamic that they don’t realize they are caught up in a toxic loop, over and over again. Their toxic relationship is clear to everyone but them.
So, what exactly is a love-hate relationship, and what are some examples of it?
Related: 5 Distinct Characteristics of an ‘On-again’ ‘Off-again’ Relationship
What Is A Love-Hate Relationship?
A love-hate relationship is like an emotional rollercoaster, and you never know whether the next moment will be a good one or a bad one. In a relationship like this, the good times feel amazing and out of the world, but the bad times feel equally devastating and emotionally exhausting.
When you are in a love-hate relationship, during arguments and conflicts you end up saying really hurtful and harsh things to each other, which you don’t really mean. It’s just that you know each other’s weak points, and in the heat of the moment, all you want to do is hurt and break your partner. But when you make up, you make up in the best ways possible,
Because of all this, your relationship is inconsistent almost all the time; sometimes you love each other more than anything, and sometimes you just cannot stand the sight of each other. But no matter how many times you threaten to end the relationship, you never do.
7 Major Signs Of A Love-Hate Relationship
1. The relationship is always in an on-again, off-again zone.
This is probably one of the most prominent love-hate relationship signs.
You can say that another name for a love-hate relationship is on-again, off-again relationships. When you are in a healthy, happy relationship, you don’t break up, again and again, instead, you rely on healthy communication and try to work your issues out in a mature way.
If you constantly keep on fighting and making up, and threaten to end the relationship whenever you have a minor disagreement, it’s not a good sign. This vicious cycle can be really exhausting and can rapidly poison and destroy your relationship for good.
2. Your fights are always very volatile and emotionally destructive.
It’s normal to have arguments and disagreements with your partner once in a while because that’s how you know each other better. However, if you are constantly butting heads with each other then you are in a love-hate relationship.
Every fight you have, every disagreement you have, and every conflict you have is a destructive one, where the goal is not to resolve the issue, rather the goal is to insult and hurt the other person as much as you can. Disrespect, contempt, name-calling, abuses, and personal attacks – nothing is off-limits.
You break each other down mentally and emotionally, and think that you are “winning”. Being respectful, compassionate, open-minded, and understanding are concepts both of you don’t understand.
Related: 6 Toxic Relationship Habits Most People Think Are Normal
3. You never give each other any healthy space.
Giving each other space is extremely important when it comes to having a healthy relationship. Outside of the relationship, you should have your own life and be your own person, and try not to let the relationship define you all the time. But when it’s a love-hate relationship, these things just don’t happen.
Instead of giving each other space sometimes to do your own thing, you are always codependent on each other. If you want to go out with your friends without your partner at times, a huge fight ensues where your partner shames and guilts you into not leaving without them. Or when your partner maybe wants to spend some alone time, you just don’t understand and make them feel bad for “ignoring” you.
This kind of dynamic is extremely unhealthy, and no matter how many times you promise each other that you will change, it never happens. Both of you are clingy, needy, and unhealthily codependent on each other.
4. The relationship is not a peaceful space, rather it’s a huge source of stress.
Your relationship should be a safe space for you both, and a peaceful haven. But when you have a love-hate relationship, unfortunately, the opposite always happens. The relationship is always very volatile and unpredictable, and just like the highs are really high, the lows are really low.
This constant to and fro takes a toll on both of you after a point, and instead of feeling happy and relaxed with each other, you are always feeling stressed out, anxious, and on edge. The emotional rollercoaster that is your relationship makes you feel hypervigilant at all times, even when there are no conflicts happening.
5. There’s no genuine intimacy in your relationship.
This is one of the major examples of love-hate relationships. Due to the lack of respect, and healthy communication, you don’t really connect with each other on a deeper and more emotional level. Even though your relationship is quite intense, there is a severe lack of trust, understanding, and vulnerability.
The kind of relationship you have, there is no scope for any real intimacy, because both of you are always concerned about the wrong things. Real intimacy happens when you let each other in and let them see the deepest parts of your soul. But in a love-hate relationship, this rarely happens because you are always scared that they will use this against you whenever you butt heads with them.
A relationship based on fear, anxiety, and uncertainty can never have real intimacy, and you might never get to experience a healthy, mature, and peaceful kind of love.
Related: How To Know If Your Relationship Turmoil Is Actually A Symptom Of Codependence
6. You are constantly complaining about each other.
Whenever you meet your friends, you always find yourself venting, ranting, and complaining about your partner to them. You hardly ever have anything good to say about one another, and always tend to focus on their flaws and shortcomings.
A point might come when your friends might question you about why you are still in the relationship when you are so unhappy and miserable, and you don’t have any answer to that. You will decide not to complain anymore and try to make things work, but deep down inside, you love complaining because it makes you feel good and you feel vindicated.
Another potential reason why you constantly complain but never leave the relationship is that that’s the kind of parental love you had gotten when you were a child. Your parents might have been neglectful and always made you feel as if you were a burden on them, but always pretended otherwise.
7. Violence is a major part of the relationship.
This is again one of the biggest love-hate relationship examples, and one that should never be taken casually, nor should this be confused with real love.
Violence doesn’t only mean physical violence, violence can also be mental and emotional. If your partner breaks things, calls you filthy names, punches walls, and yells at you, then you are a victim of emotional violence. Emotional violence is equally painful as physical violence and can break you psychologically and mentally.
This isn’t love. This isn’t passion. This isn’t intense love. This is abuse and should never be tolerated. Yes, your partner has every right to feel bad about something you said or did, but there’s a healthy way of conveying that and trying to resolve it.
Love is not supposed to make you fear for your life. Real love is not supposed to break you down emotionally. Without healthy communication, respect, vulnerability, and openness, there’s no hope of having a genuine and loving relationship.
Related: Abuse Knows No Gender: Real Life Examples Of How Women Abuse Men
Why Do People Have Love-Hate Relationships?
Some of the reasons behind love-hate relationships are the following:
- Compatibility issues
- Ego problems
- Insecurity and anxiety
- Anxious attachment styles
- Past trauma, cheating, and jealousy
- Lack of understanding and compromise
- Lack of respect
- Trying to change one’s partner but not working on themselves
- Control issues
- Having dysfunctional and volatile relationships in the past, especially during childhood
- Feelings of being unworthy of love
- Low self-esteem and high levels of self-doubt
How To Fix A Love-Hate Relationship?
Always remember that you can fix a relationship like this only when both of you are willing to put in the equal effort; you cannot heal a love-hate relationship when only one partner is interested in doing so.
If you are trying to overcome a love-hate relationship, then these tips and reminders may help you in achieving that goal.
1. Seek couples’ counseling.
There’s no shame in seeking therapy to heal your relationship. If both you and your partner love each other and want to be with each other for the rest of your lives, then you need to work towards building a healthy and happy relationship, and therapy can help you tremendously with that.
Going to therapy might seem daunting, but you need to let go of that fear and give therapy a chance to help you heal your relationship. Your therapist can help both of you identify the unhealthy patterns and habits in your relationship and give you solutions about how you can improve and transform your relationship into a healthier one.
Related: 16 Practical Ways To Fall In Love Again
2. Try to identify your triggers and weak points.
In order to deal with the problems in your relationship, it’s very important to understand the causes that are leading to the problems. The psychology of love-hate relationships is based on what triggers you and makes you lash out. So, the moment you put your finger on what’s actually causing the problems, half the battle is won.
Maybe you had a rough childhood. Maybe your partner was horribly cheated on in the past. Maybe you have drifted away from each other emotionally. Maybe your partner is a good person, but whenever they are angry they hit all your weak points just to hurt you. These are just some of the reasons, and there might be more.
That’s why it’s important to work towards identifying the reasons behind this kind of relationship dynamic so that you can work on them before it’s too late.
3. Build some much-needed healthy boundaries.
When you are trying to improve your love-hate relationship, having healthy boundaries should be a very important and non-negotiable part of the process. Set some boundaries for yourself, and also make sure that you acknowledge and respect your partner’s boundaries too.
In order to properly set boundaries, always let your expectations, likes, and dislikes be known. For example, if yelling and name-calling are deal breakers for you, tell your partner that you are willing to discuss an issue, but if they keep on yelling and calling you names, you will leave the conversation.
Your boundaries should be strong, and clear, and your partner must respect that. And the same goes for your partner too.
Related: 10 Signs Of Healthy Boundaries
Being in a love-hate relationship can take a lot out of you, but if you and your partner genuinely love each other and deep down inside believe that the relationship can be improved, then go for it. Once you understand the reality of your relationship, working towards improving it becomes a bit easier.
Want to know more about a love-hate relationship? Check this video out below!
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)
Is a love hate relationship healthy?
Love-hate relationships are not really healthy, because they are made of two extremes – love and hate. This can take a toll on you and your partner. However, with some positive measures and effort, a relationship like this can be healed and improved.
Can a love hate relationship last long?
Love-hate relationships normally do not last long because they are extremely unstable and emotionally exhausting. There is no scope for you and your partner to grow as a couple and as individuals, which is why the future of such a relationship is always bleak.
When does love turn to hate in a relationship?
When you no longer care whether your partner is there or not, every little thing they do irritates you, their tiniest flaws seem like huge dealbreakers, and you feel relieved and happier when they are not around, that is when you know that the love is gone.
Can you love and hate your partner?
A few studies have shown that romantic partners can trigger both positive and negative feelings in a person. So yes, it is possible to love and hate your partner at the same time.
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