Shaming and Enabling, the Two Parenting “No-Nos”

Two of the most common mistakes parents tend to make when it comes to raising their children are shaming and enabling them. Shaming and enabling in the name of discipline can sometimes backfire very badly and will end up doing more harm than good. Handling every situation with positivity, open-mindedness, and patience should be what every parent should aspire for.

Refusing to hold a child accountable is detrimental to the child’s development of character. A parent who is perpetually searching for a teacher, coach, or another child to scapegoat in place of holding his or her child responsible may be undermining a child’s strides towards emotional health. Similarly, a parent who attempts to bend the rules for a child in order to shield the child from disappointment may also be short-circuiting a child’s resiliency.

However, swinging too far in the opposite direction and shaming a child for a mistake or failure is not the answer either. The solution lies in the middle.

The mantra, “It’s not what happens to a child, it’s how a parent helps a child through it,” may be the golden rule. A parent who shames a child is not a parent who helps a child through a rough patch or assists a child in gaining insight.

For example, say a child denies having homework because he wants to play with his friends. The next day, he is caught scrambling to complete the assignment before class. The teacher reprimands the child and assigns him a zero for the project. A parent who enables and shames a child is tempted to contact the teacher and demand the child receive points for the work that was completed. At home, the parent yells at the child and calls him a “liar.”

Read 25 Effective Parenting Rules For Mothers With Sons

On the other hand, a parent who respects the teacher’s stance and calmly sits down with the child to discuss the matter is a parent attempting to understand, not enable. Empathizing with the child’s feelings: “I get it. You didn’t want to miss out on time with your friends. You are afraid of being left out. I understand. But, honey, homework comes first. I’d like you to finish the project tonight and turn it in tomorrow.”

When the child becomes aware of the feelings which compel the negative behavior, the child gains insight. Understanding emotions prevent a child from acting them out inappropriately. This helps a child gain self-awareness and insight. Next, the parent reinforces accountability.

The child is likely to pitch a fit because he does not want to do the work without getting credit. The parent empathizes again, yet upholds the expectation: “You are angry. I get it. It’s frustrating to complete a project knowing it won’t improve your grade, but it may remind you to do your work the first time.”

It may also be necessary to sit with the child to reinforce and encourage him to follow through. Paying bills or responding to emails while sitting at the table with the child allows the parent the opportunity to calmly reinforce the expectation by his or her close physical presence. Most importantly, this approach also communicates to the child that the parent values hard work more than an outcome. Effort and integrity are prioritized over a good grade.

Often when a parent only recognizes a child’s achievements and overlooks validating who the child is, the child believes she is only as good as the next achievement. Winning becomes everything. The child’s self-esteem is based on performance and perfection instead of a grounded sense of self. Often, a parent who derives satisfaction from how the child makes him or her look instead of prioritizing the child’s emotional needs may be compromising the child’s mental health.

Unfortunately, a parent who puts his or her feelings first may tend to punish a child for having a feeling that is contradictory. Continually shaming a child for feeling differently may be inhibiting the child’s ability to consolidate his or her sense-of-self. For example, say a child asks to spend some of his birthday money on a “treasure” he finds at a garage sale. His mom is experiencing significant financial stress and is trying to declutter her house to sell. She is wholeheartedly against wasting money on garage sale junk, but before telling her son “no,” she remembers her promise to him. She agreed that he could spend a portion of his birthday money on something he chose.

Read The 4 Common Parenting Styles and Their Effects on Kids

Instead of shaming him for having a different feeling than her, she says, “You really have your heart set on what you found at the garage sale. I get it. I’m not crazy about the idea of bringing more stuff into this house, but I did promise you that you could spend some of your birthday money when you found something you really wanted.” The mom reluctantly gives her blessing and he jumps on his bike and peddles off.

When he returns, he proudly hands her a tattered and faded record album (her favorite band). The mom is so shocked and touched at the gift that she tears up and embraces him. She is suddenly very grateful she didn’t “shame her child into submission.” She validates his kind and thoughtful heart and tells him, “I love who you are.”

Another important difference between helping and enabling involves a parent’s handling of a child’s experience of disappointment. A parent desperately wants a child to succeed, not only because it’s important to the child’s future, but also because it may enhance a child’s self-esteem. Yet, it is easy to get caught up in a child’s successes.

For example, say a child is competing in her school’s science fair. She asks her parent for help deciding on a project idea. The parent is excited for the child and naturally wants the child to succeed. She is caught up in the moment and subtly and unintentionally takes over. The child eventually loses interest because the parent is ignoring her ideas. The child follows the parent’s instructions but takes a back seat with the project. Although the child wins first place, she feels little satisfaction and compensates by boasting to her friends just as her mom is bragging to her’s.

A better approach may be to value the effort the child puts forth rather than the outcome. Encouraging and empowering the child may be the best way to help. Partnering with the child when she asks for assistance is also important. “I can center the title, but you can place and glue the letters.” Starting the child off in a small way may be helpful but encourage her to take over and finish. Validating the child’s hard work and ideas is vital.

If the child is disappointed with the outcome, a parent has the opportunity to help by empathizing. “You are so disappointed. I get it. You thought you were going to be recognized. It’s disappointing, but you put forth a lot of effort. I am so proud of you. You’re a hard worker. I love that about you.” These statements honor how the child feels and validate who the child is.

If a parent is empathizing correctly, he or she is not rejecting how the child feels. Statements that negate a child’s emotional state are not always helpful, for example: “don’t be disappointed,” “don’t worry,” or “don’t be mad.” First, honor the child’s feelings, then correct, reassure, or problem-solve.

For example, “It is a big worry. I get it. I’ll be here for you if that worry happens. I’ll try and help. You won’t be alone with it.”

“You are mad. I would be too, but you cannot throw your backpack. Please go pick it up.”

“You are disappointed. You have every right to be. But, keep at it. You’ll get it.”

Read Anxiety In Children: 15 Calming Things You Can Say As A Parent

As a parent, the goal is to raise a child who is accountable, hardworking, and emotionally intelligent. A child’s achievements have little correlation with these characteristics. It’s not what happens to a child, it’s how a parent helps the child through it. Empathize, but uphold expectations. Value character over achievement and attempt and to keep the parental ego in check.

References:

https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1992-97915-013


Written By Erin Leonard
Originally Appeared In Psychology Today
Shaming Enabling Two Parenting No Nos pin
Shaming and Enabling pin

— Share —

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Up Next

The Parentified Daughter: 10 Signs Your Childhood Was Burdened With Responsibilities

Parentified Daughter Childhood Was Burdened With Responsibilities

They say girls “mature too fast,” but for some parentified daughters, it’s a reality driven by the heavy responsibilities for their families, well beyond their years. This phenomenon is known as child parentification.

It occurs when a child is burdened with tasks and emotional support roles that should belong to their parents or guardians. When the parentified eldest daughter takes on responsibilities early in life, it can profoundly shape her personality and relationships.

If this sounds all too real, let’s learn the common signs of a parentified daughter, so you can understand the unique challenges and childhood experiences that continue to influence their lives as adults.

Up Next

When Grandparents’ Love Goes Sour: 8 Signs Of Toxic Grandparents And How To Survive Them

Signs Of Toxic Grandparents

Have you ever noticed certain behaviors that make you wonder if your grandparents’ love might be a little… off? Spotting the signs of toxic grandparents can be tough, especially when society paints them as the ultimate source of unconditional love and support.

But sometimes, grandparents might cross boundaries, show favoritism, or create a stressful environment that doesn’t quite feel right. If you’ve ever felt uneasy about their behavior, you’re not alone.

In this article, we’ll dive into the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of toxic grandparents and give you some strategies regarding how to deal with toxic grandparents, without causing family drama.

First, let us try to understand what are toxic grandparents.

Up Next

Unlocking The Pain Of The Past: 10 Signs Of Repressed Childhood Trauma In Adults

Ever find yourself reacting strongly to situations and not quite sure why? Either you hear echoes of your past, or it’s probably because you listen to your inner child. In this article, we’re delving into the signs of repressed childhood trauma in adults – those subtle whispers from your younger self that can shape your present.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Up Next

The Hidden Toll of Childhood Emotional Incest: Identifying Signs and Effects

Emotional incest confuses parent-child dynamics, creating emotional dependency. Let’s look at the signs and effects of this incomprehensible relationship to gain a better understanding.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Emotional incest has been compared to actual incest because it similarly creates long-lasting effects on psychosocial developme

Up Next

How To Create A Toddler-Friendly Home: 10 Helpful Tips For New Parents!

Bringing a toddler to your house can be both exciting and challenging. As soon as they begin taking notice of their surroundings, the environment in which they dwell must be secure, comfortable, and conducive to growth.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

It is important to learn how to create a toddler-friendly home because this will provide them with holistic development o

Up Next

How to Become Pregnant with PCOS: 6 Proven Strategies For A Promising Start

Generally, women who have polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) get problems in conceiving a child and starting a family. If you suffer from this condition of PCOS then we recommend you to take up this manual on how to become pregnant with PCOS. 

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

According to American Families’

Up Next

Why Do I Hate My Father? 8 Effective Ways to Mend Your Relationship

“Why do I hate my father?” – if you have ever asked yourself this question, then trust me, you are not alone. Not having a good relationship with your father is one of the most painful things to experience in life.

(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});

Father-child relationships can be really complicated in many cases, and it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. Whethe