Ever wondered what makes certain men seem less attractive sometimes? What is it they do that puts you off immediately?
Attractiveness is a tricky beast and men often go wrong on a few things that make them less attractive.
Itโs tempting to assume that attractiveness is summed up by your looks; throw together some perfect abs, teeth like chicklets, rock-hardย pecs, a swimmerโs body, and a symmetrical face and youโre good to go.
Butย being attractive is far more complicated than that. Physical good looks can certainlyย help (and the definition of โgood looksโย can vary pretty damn significantly) but attraction isnโt purely about your bone structure and diet.
Attractiveness is a holistic attribute, something that encompasses your entire being and itโs almost shockingly easy to change.
The problem is that many men are accidentallyย sabotaging their own appeal. Just as there are subtle things that can make youย moreย attractive, there are ways that you can actually make yourselfย less attractive.
Letโs talk about some of the most common ways otherwise attractive people shoot themselves in the foot.
1) Youโre Passive
One of the worst things you can do when it comes to attraction is, nothing.
Hold on, allow me to explain.
One of the oldest tropes โ quite possiblyย the oldest โ is loving somebody from afar, yet never actuallyย doing anything about it.
Oh sure, thereโre REASONS why you canโt possibly confess your feelings but the fact remains that youโre sitting there doing absolutely nothing and wondering why your beloved never notices you.
Look, I get it. Youโre afraid of rejection, and for a lot of guys, itโs easier to live in the permanent fantasy of hope than to collapse the quantum state and get a definitive answer.
But the fact of the matter is itโs kind of pathetic. Itโs an excuse to keep hope alive and not have to do anything; after all, why chase anyone else when you have your One True Love to think about?
But cold hard truth time: nobody likes the guy who doesย nothing. Theyโre the ones sitting there continually complaining about something without ever actually taking steps to resolve the issue.
The longer you let it sit, the sadder it gets and โ worse โ the larger it looms in your mind. If youโre interested in someone and want that relationship to actually happen, you have to actuallyย make your move.
Wining about how sad it is that it never happened when you never did a damn thing is not only going to turn off your crush but the other, incredibly awesomeย people around you who might otherwise have been interested in you.
Now in fairness: thereโre many men who arenโt naturally aggressive or who donโt fit into the traditional gender role of โman-as-aggressorโ in relationships.
And thatโs fine but thereโs a difference between being the receptive partner and the guy whoโs sat around with the same love note he wrote four years ago and never got around to sending.
As many,ย many women can tell you, making yourself approachable takesย effort.
Related: 11 Psychological Hacks For Men To Become More Attractive
2) You Smell
You wouldnโt think this needs to be said but a lot of dudes need to be acquainted with some basic facts around hygiene.
Anyone whoโs ever been to a comic or gaming convention is very,ย very intimately familiar with the concept of โcon funkโ.
Scent is an incredibly powerful sense; itโs intimately tied to memory and emotional response โ even genetic compatibility (maybe).ย
But it also can play a massive role in whether or not people are going to want to take a roll in the hay with you.
We associate smell with health, fitness, and even social intelligence; after all, if you donโt recognize that rolling into the libraryย reeking of boiled cabbage and ass is going to bother people, then youโre probably not going to be good relationship material.
But this goes beyond simple matters of remembering to shower and throw on some Speed Stick. See, some folks go in the opposite direction.
Just as a guy who smells like heโs smuggling gefilte fish in his armpits is going to get shot down, so too does the guy who smells like heโs showered in Axe.
Just as people at cons know about clouds of geek body odor, people whoโve spent time in bars and clubs are familiar with the guys who roll in wearing eye-watering levels of cologne.
It doesnโt matter whether itโs a 20 year old bottle of Drakkar Noir or a $200 bottle of Yves St. Laurent, it takes very little to go beyond a pleasant scent to a walking chemical warhead.
And then thereโs your breath.
3) You Play Games
Thereโs a saying Iโve seen come up frequently when it comes to dating:
โThe person who cares the least, has the power.โ
The idea is that the person who is more invested in the other controls the relationship and thus sets the terms of how the relationship will progress.
This is especially popular in the pick-up artist scene: you want to be the one in control of the relationship because otherwise women will just make you dance to their tune and you donโt want that.
Thus, you get the idea of โneggingโ โ left-handed compliments to demonstrate your social superiority and the fact that you donโt crave the other personโs approval and that they should crave yours.
Thus you get the various status games about playing โhard to getโ and the completely inane rules surrounding when to call or text, lest you show too much interest, etc.
The problem with this idea is that itโs all based on relationships as a power struggle rather than, yโknow, trying to actually connect with somebody.
Playing these power games tells people that youโre not looking for a partner โ whether itโs for life or for the evening โ but somebody toย control. And letโs be real here: thatโs not a good look on you.
Playing power games says a lot about the person doing them; whether itโsย a Red-Piller or someone whoโs bought into The Rules, itโs a sign that people have little regard for the person theyโre supposedly interested in and more for simply getting what they want out of them.
The more youโre focused on trying to rule Barter Town, the less youโre dealing with the other person as aย person.ย Itโs a sign of disrespect atย best,ย and people have better things to do than reach out to someone whoโs treating them with veiled (or not-so-veiled) contempt.
And thatโs going to kill whatever shred of attraction they may have had for you.
4) Youโre Trying to Look Like Anyone Other Than Yourself
OK Cupid is more than just a dating site; itโs also aย sociologistโs wet dream of data.
Among the many trends that crop up in the data was this little fact: the more divisive you are looks-wise, the better you do in the long run when it comes to attraction.
Now thereโre a number of factors involved โ including game theory (the math kind, not the PUA kind) โ but one of the biggest take-aways is thatย someone whoโs more polarizing tends to provoke greater levels of response in others.
The people who arenโt into him or her areย really not into themโฆ but the people whoย are into them are really,ย really into them.
Itโs a little counter-intuitive at first; you would think that being more broadly attractiveย would benefit you overall.
However, being broadly appealing tends to mean that thereโs not a lot ofย depth to that appeal;ย itโs the difference between someone seeing you asย โwouldnโt kick them out of bedโ level of attractive vs.
โNO TIME TO TALK, GET YOUR CLOTHES OFFโ.
To give an example, letโs take a look at Matt Smith.
Coming to you live from Easter Islandโฆ
Heโs not a classic leading man in any sense of the word. His eyes are close-set and beady, his forehead and chin are huge, heโs tall and lanky but there is a very significant and vocal population out there who think heโs sex on a stick.
If he tried to downplay the features that make him distinctive, he might make himself more generically like others. But by being willing to be polarizing and own his look, heโs made things work.
Remember: youโre looking for a relationship (or two or three orโฆ), not trying to win a popularity contest. Five people whoย loveย your look is going to be better for you than 20 who think youโre decent enough.
5) Youโve Got A Lousy Attitude
This is the big one. One of the things you may hear about frequently is โthe halo effectโ. Put simply, the halo effect is a cognitive bias that affects how we see and feel about others.
Positive feelings about someone make us see their traits in a more positive light, while negative feelings about them make us see them as worse than they are.
Now, most of the time when we talk about the halo effect, itโs in the context of somebodyโs physical appearance.
For example, itโs fairly well documented that people who are conventionally good-looking are seen as being happier, smarter, and all-around better people.
Exploiting the halo effect is part ofย what makes โbad boysโ seem more appealing;ย they put more effort into their presentation and their looks; as a result, we get conned into thinking that theyโre better people than they actually are.
However, the halo effect doesnโt just come into play when it comes to looks. In fact, your attitude will change how people see you and that change can be a lot harder to shift than looks.
In fact, the effect looks have on attraction fade over time while personality actually can make someone more attractive over time.
The more you get to know somebody, the more you tend to see them as attractive.
Unless you fuck it up by having a lousy attitude. Then youโre convincing people that no, youโreย not attractive after all.
When you meet someoneย whoโs excessively negative or who believes that theyโre doing you a favor just by deigning to acknowledge your existence, youโre much more likely to seeย everything about them as negative.
When youโre walking around feeling like youโre being cheated out of something youโre owed, that women are out to make you jump through hoops or that youโre inherently fucked by the universe because the fates got together and decided to screw you over,ย itโs going to bleed through into everything you do.
Related: 5 Reasons Why Women Feel More Attracted To The Bad Boys
Trust me: you are not nearly as good at hiding your true feelings as you think.
Even things like vocal tonality can make a world of difference; the phrase โOh God, this is the stupidest thing ever,โ means two entirely different things when you say it with a tonal upswing or a tonal downswing.
If you want to be more attractive, you have to learn how to bring positive energy. The better people feel in your presence, the more attractive youโll be to them.
Walking around with a chip on your shoulder and a steaming pile of resentment in your brain is going to make you profoundly less attractive, even to people who think youโre the perfect man for them otherwise.
Written by Harris OโMalley (AKA Dr. NerdLove)
Originally appeared on Dr. Nerdlove.com
Printed with permission
If you are a man reading this, then congratulations, you are taking the first steps to become a better man. Keep these useful pointers in mind, and never be one of those men who seem less attractive to women, just because you didnโt know better.
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