Can love and good sex โaffair-proofโ a relationship?
This myth is deeply embedded in our culture and is even held by a fairly large number ofย marriageย counselors. But a lot of people who hold this belief have been deeply disappointed to discover that itโs not necessarily true. While it may seem reasonable to assume that if both partners love each other and have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, there would simply be no reason for either to stray.
Well, that is true: There is no โgood reason.โ Affairs, however, are generally not motivated by reason or rational thinking but tend to be matters of the heart, which is the source of passion and desire, and not the mind, which deals with abstraction and logic.
So while it does seem logical to assume that there would be littleย motivationย for partners in a happy relationship to go outside of it to fulfill their most intimate desires, particularly if theyโve made an agreement to be monogamous, it does happenโand more frequently often than most of us realize.
A study cited in theย Journal of Marital andย Family Therapyย in 2015 reported that 54 percent of female respondents, and 57 percent of males, stated that they had been unfaithful in their relationship. What may also be surprising: The average length of the affairs wasย two years.
Still more surprising is that according to relationship andย sexualityย expert Esther Perel, author ofย Matingย in Captivity, the motivating drive to have an affair is a desire not necessarily for sex, but rather for experiences their relationship is no longer delivering.
What they desire, according to Perel, isย attention, novelty, adventure, vibrancy, aliveness, and passion. They crave the experience of losing themselves in the intensity, excitement, and stimulation of a new relationship, with the hope of reinvigorating the feelings that occur in the stage of infatuation.
Too often, it seems that couples fail to keep that spark alive after they formalize their commitment, and so they run the risk of weakening the glue that keeps their relationship passionate and healthy.
Related: 4 Reasons Why Men Cheat And Signs He is Having An Affair
When daily routines and responsibilities dominate their attention, the risk of a violation of their monogamy agreement increases. When either partner feels that they must submerge aspects of themselves to maintain peace or avoid conflict, the risk factor is similarly heightened.
The fantasy of being free to be fully authentic, and to experience aspects of oneself with another person that oneโs partner disapproves of, is a compelling motivator for anyone who has withheld or concealed aspects of themselves out ofย fearย of judgment, rejection, orย punishment.
The expectation that one person can and should meet all of anotherโs needs, particularly when many of them appear to be at odds with each otherโsecurity and adventure, excitement and peace of mind,ย spiritualityย and sensuality, tenderness, and strengthโcan be a setup for disappointment or betrayal.
This is not to justify violating anyoneโs vows, but rather a warning to be mindful of the dangers of holding a partner responsible for fulfilling a range of needs and desires that may be beyond any one personโs capacity.
Want to know more about whether you can affair-proof your relationship? Check this video out below:
The experience ofย lonelinessย is also something that can occur even in goodย relationships. This often comes as a surprise to those who wrongly assume that once they enter into a serious partnership, their lonely days are over.
But the experience of loneliness has more to do with our relationship toย ourselvesย than whether we are in a relationship, or with whom. It is a function of how comfortable we are in our own skin, whether we relate to ourselves with compassion or criticism, and how much we enjoy our own company. When we mistakenly hold our partner responsible for taking away our loneliness and making us happy, he or she will be likely to feel turned off by our efforts to coerce their attention.
There is a significant difference between desire and neediness: Neediness often feels manipulative and is seen as a turnoff. It can also include a sense of entitlement or an expectation that one has theย rightย to be taken care of by oneโs partner.ย When we experience a partnerโs desire, without their expectation of our reciprocity toward us, it feels pleasurable and attractive.
Sometimes the burden of fulfilling family obligations and responsibilities can feel oppressive, and the desire for relief, even briefly, can be compelling. At these times we are particularly vulnerable to the temptation of affairs. When partners take each other for granted andย neglectย their relationship, they put it in jeopardy.
When unresolved conflicts mount up, resentment,ย anger, a lack of respect, and even contempt may form conditions that are an accident waiting to happen. Such animosity can become a perfect rationalization to go outside the marriage for intimate contact.
Infidelityย can be as brief as a one-night stand, or a secret, years-long affair. Some people try to fulfill their need for attention and validation through sex. Some may rationalize their indiscretions with the justification that there was no intimate physical contact, but like emotional affairs, in which literal sex does not occur, even technical infidelity or virtual affairs can do great damage to oneโs primary relationship.
No matter what their cause or nature, every betrayal harms a relationship and requires repair work to restore trust and integrity. Another statistic cited by theย Journal of Marital and Familyย Therapyย study was that, of marriages in which an affair was discovered or admitted,ย 31 percent lasted.
The shock of the crisis can expose the source of the unmet needs that the affair was an attempt to fulfill, and in doing so, open the possibility for this breakdown to become a breakthrough, provided both partners do the work that is required to heal the relationship.
Related: 3 Betrayals That Ruin Relationships (That Arenโt Infidelity)
Pain can sometimes be a great motivator. It would, of course, be more efficient and less painful to avoid the torturous stages of wounding and healing that accompany unfaithfulness.
There are many ways to enhance the quality of your relationship without unnecessary suffering. If you donโt know what they are, ask your partner: Itโs likely that he or she will be happy to give you a few ideas. As the saying goes, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
Weโre giving away 3 e-books absolutely free of charge. The Ten Biggest Things Weโve Learned Since We Got Married, Your Guide to Great Sex, and An End to Arguing.
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Written by Linda & Charlie Bloom
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