The best way to spice up your marriage? Add some humor! It’s like the salt and pepper of relationships – a little goes a long way.
If you’re looking for a good laugh and some helpful marriage advice, then you are in the right place, my friend. From never going to bed angry to always having a sense of humor, these pieces of funny marriage advice will keep your relationship strong and thriving.
Check out these hilarious pieces of funny marriage advice.
60+ Pieces of funny marriage advice curated just for you!
These funny marriage tips will make you laugh and help you understand how adding humor to your marriage can make a difference.
1. In a marriage, one person is always right – The Wife
The famous line by Bob Monkhouse – “In a successful marriage, one person is always right and the other one is the husband” always gets a laugh, but let’s be honest, there is some truth to it.
2. What is the best way to avoid arguments?
Well, you know what they say – Fake it till you make it, You can just fake your listening skills by saying “mmm-hmmm” and “I see” every now and then, and before you know it, you might start paying attention!
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3. A strong marriage needs strong effort… daily
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr
4. It is not about who is right during a fight
When it comes to romance and a happy marriage, you need to remember what pastor and author Max Lucado said, “It’s not about winning or losing, but love and respect.” Even when you are not at fault.
5. Marriage is an institution, and you just got enrolled
Groucho Marx once famously said, “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”
Marriage IS an institution which allows a man and woman to start a family. So while you may not like being admitted to an institution, you still have to respect the rules to play the game. That means being faithful.
6. Are you crazy enough to get married?
“Marriage is not for the faint of heart, but for the wild heart who are crazy enough to take on the adventure together” – Anonymous
7. Don’t make her angry
“We have a couple of rules in our relationship. The first rule is that I make her feel like she’s getting everything. The second rule is that I do let her have her way with everything. And, so far, it’s working.” – Justin Timberlake
8. The four magical words for a successful marriage are…
Happy wife, happy life! What better way to keep the peace than by uttering those four magical words that every spouse wants to hear “I’ll do the dishes”.
9. Marriage is NOT for quitters
“Our marriage was the most difficult, grueling, excruciating thing that we have ever taken on in our lives. And you know, we’re just not quitters.” – Will Smith
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10. When you’re wrong, admit it. When you’re right, let it slide
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.” – Ogden Nash
11. You get used to being married, sooner or later
“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain’t so hot.” — Minnie Pearl
12. Marriage is about finding the person who puts up with your nonsense
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” – Rita Rudner.
13. Always choose happiness
“Choose being kind over being right and you’ll be right every time”. – Richard Carlson. Remember, you and your partner are on the same team.
14. Happy marriages don’t consider “divorce” as an option
“My husband and I have never considered divorce … murder sometimes, but never divorce.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers
15. It’s not just about love, but also about the trash
This is the best advice for you. Make sure to apply it every time possible, because “Marriage is not just passionate embraces; marriage is also three meals a day.” – Dr. Joyce Brothers. It about doing the chores and taking out the trash. That’s what makes a marriage work.
16. Marriage is a long journey, so make sure you bring snacks
It’s always better to be prepared because “If it was easy they could have called the whole damn thing a honeymoon” – Jenna McCarthy
17. You should feel like the luckiest person to have her
“Who won in life? Me. Because I got to marry you.” – Chip Gaines.
18. Your wife is not behind your success, she is leading you
“In my house, I’m the boss, and my wife is just the decision-maker.” – Woody Allen
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19. Marriage is like a roller coaster
Like a roller coaster, marriage has all its ups and downs, but make sure that you don’t throw up. So, hold on tight, enjoy the ride, and always remember to keep your sense of humor.
“If he’s not the one, who is? What went wrong – and what it takes to find Mr. Right” – Lisa Steadman.
20. The 3 L’s for a happy marriage
It is to always make time for the three L’s: Love, Laughter, and Laundry.
“I love doing laundry! Except for putting it in the dryer, taking it out and folding it, and then putting it away.” – Unknown.
21. Marriage is like a box of chocolates, expect surprises
You won’t always get what you expect or want. “I was ready to get married nine years before my wife was. It was only later I realized that she was using all those years to train me. And that’s why I know she will never leave me. She doesn’t have that kind of time to train somebody else.” – Steve Skrovan
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22. Find someone who matches your “weird”
“We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness and call it love — true love.” – Robert Fulgham
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23. Marriage is like playing a fun, complicated game
“Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.” – Jerry Seinfeld
24. Distance creates attraction
“Sometimes I wonder if men and women suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then.” – Katherine Hepburn
25. Wake up early on your wedding day
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.” – Mickey Rooney
26. Humans invented marriage, so be prepared
“Did you know that the institution of marriage was created when the average person lived to the age of 30?” – Kim (“The Last Kiss”)
27. Every wife is a “good” wife? Don’t worry
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.” – Socrates.
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28. Going on dates should be your top priority
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music, and dancing. She goes Tuesdays; I go Fridays.” – Henny Youngman.
29. Promises are meant to be broken
“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” – Erma Bombeck
30. Expect to be taken for granted
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip
31. Make her jealous from time to time
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” – Sigmund Freud.
32. Secret to a happy marriage? A separate bathroom
“For marriage to be successful, every woman and every man should have their own bathroom. The end.” – Catherine Zeta-Jones
33. The best motivation for husbands: Reverse psychology
“The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest perhaps they’re too old to do it.” – Ann Bancroft
34. Have your own personal space
“One of the keys to a successful marriage is separate bathrooms. When he enters my bathroom sometimes I’m like, ‘Why are you in here?’ And he’s like, ‘I live here. Can I enjoy my bathroom too?’” – Michelle Obama. Well, bathrooms are very important for marriages, I guess.
35. Look forward to getting old…like lobsters
“She’s your lobster. Come on, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can see old lobster couples, walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.” – Phoebe Buffay, “Friends”
36. Marriage is like a tug-of-war
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.” – George Bernard Shaw
37. Talk openly & from your heart and watch time disappear
“A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short.” — André Maurois
38. If she wins, you win
“After about 15 years, I finally figured out that she’s always right. So surprisingly, we just stopped fighting after that.” – Barack Obama
39. Anniversaries matter
“Marriage: A bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.” – Ogden Nash.
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40. Marrying the right person is an achievement in itself
“My most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me.” – Winston Churchill
41. Love may not always be in fashion
“My wife and I have been married for 21 years, and without a doubt, the hardest times we’ve faced were those times when we hated each other.” – Andy Richter
42. Marriage is like money. No, really
“Never discount the idea of marriage. Someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what’s more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?” – Dennis Miller
43. Finding a partner to balance you is rare
“Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, there is thunder and lightning.” – Clint Eastwood
44. Little things should matter
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?” – Janet Periat
45. Marriage is about surviving the insanity
“Love, gratitude, compassion, because sometimes every man or every woman will drive their partner crazy.” – Goldie Hawn
46. You got to understand that…
“Marriage is like a graph — it has its ups and downs, and as long as things bounce back up again, you’ve got a good marriage. If it heads straight down, then you’ve got some problems!” – Dame Julie Andrews
47. Never forget to compliment her
That one funny wedding advice you should always keep in mind “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
48. Don’t marry too early. Some mistakes are hard to correct
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.” – Elbert Hubbard
49. Your wife will bring out the best in you
“Michelle’s like Beyoncé in that song, ‘Let me upgrade ya!’ She upgraded me.” – Barack Obama
50. Accept the fact that…
“Husbands are like wine; they take a long time to mature.” – Donatella, “Letters to Juliet”
51. Do not forget to compliment her on her haircut
“A man’s main job is to protect his woman from her desire to ‘get bangs’ every other month.” – Dax Shepard
52. How to be a good husband?
“Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need ten years before you can call yourself a beginner.” – Jerry Seinfeld
53. You have to be a good listener
“Spend a few minutes a day listening to your spouse. No matter how stupid his problems sound to you.” – Megan Mullally
54. Your spouse will be everywhere you go. EVERYWHERE!
“Look, you want to know what marriage is really like? Fine. You wake up; she’s there. You come back from work; she’s there. You fall asleep; she’s there. You eat dinner; she’s there. Do you know? I mean, I know that sounds like a bad thing, but it’s not.” – Ray Barone
55. Marrying the right person is like a lottery
“People say, ‘Jeez, it must be hard to stay married in show business.’ I think it’s hard to stay married anywhere, but if you marry the right person, it might work out.” – Tom Hanks
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56. Romance & Marriage: Not the same thing
“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing”…” – Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
57. She is the most beautiful person
“I’m just a diaper-changing facility hooked up to a life-support system, but my wife, she’s breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She’s a human at Denny’s all day long … and it never ends for her. She’s the most beautiful Denny’s you’ve ever seen though, I guarantee it.” – Ryan Reynolds
58. That one thing you should know
“An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie
59. Bad times make a good marriage
“Because I always say, if you’re married for 50 years, and 10 of them are horrible, you’re doing good!” – Michelle Obama
60. Marriage is a machine that never stops
“Marriage is like a machine, requiring constant maintenance and understanding to keep it running smoothly” – Robert Fulghum
61. Every day is a new challenge & opportunity
“Remember that creating a successful marriage is like farming: you have to start over again every morning.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr
62. Married people live longer
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner – just so they can have the last word.” – Janet Periat
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