Validation is a skill, but itโs also an art. It can be practiced and developed as we evolve in our relationships. Most of us need to feel like our partner โgetsโ usโlike they can see things through our eyes and understand our point of view. Especially when couples get into a power struggle, or thereโs a misunderstanding, validation can support the repair process.
Many of us have underlying fears about what will happen if we validate our partner. Weโre afraid it means weโre sacrificing our truth, or that the balance of power in the relationship will tip and leave us at a disadvantage.
Related: 7 Reasons Why Mutual Understanding Is More Important Than Love In A Relationship
When A Couple Gets Stuck
Take Maria and Jacqueline, for example. Theyโve just had a blow-out fight about Maria forgetting, yet again, to send a text saying sheโll be arriving home late from work, which would have helped Jacqueline plan her evening with their kids and put them to sleep on time.
In this situation, Maria may have a hard time โvalidatingโ Jacquelineโs frustration because she fears this will give her more ammunition to use against her in judgments and criticisms. Jacqueline, on the other hand, wonโt validate Maria (although she knows sheโs under a lot of pressure at work) because she fears doing so is tantamount to an endorsement of her irresponsibility and forgetfulness.
Pre-requisites For Successful Validation
When you validate your partner and affirm their point of view, does it feel like it gets used against you? Like your validation is turned into proof that theyโre right and youโre wrong?
Here are a few important pre-requisites for practicing validation successfully with a partner.
1) Develop confidence in your own right to YOUR reality. This will help you affirm your partnerโs reality more effectively. Otherwise, validation can lead you to feel like youโre losing your psychological footing.
2) Cultivate an emotional and psychological โbalance of powerโ in your relationship. If your sense of personal power feels relatively equal to your partnerโs, and you feel differentiated from them (e.g. you can be who you are and still stay connected to them, and visa versa) then itโs easier to validate them when thereโs a difference of opinion or perspective.
3) Respect one anotherโs emotional, psychological, and physical boundaries. Fuzzy or frequently disregarded boundaries in a relationship decrease the safety that supports validation. You may both be worried that any validation will be co-opted as a way to dominate each other.
Related: 4 Ways To Restore Respect In A Relationship
Distinct AND Interdependent
If your attempts at validating your partner donโt go well, think about these validation pre-requisites. Maybe itโs time to focus on building your confidence in yourself and your right to your own reality distinct from your partner.
Or maybe itโs time to look at the power dynamic in your relationship and talk to your partner about it honestly, or with a professionalโs guidanceโexploring how a lack of psychological safety may be interfering with your ability to show up authentically and validate one another while also feeling secure in your bond.
Developing and strengthening your sense of self as both distinct from others, and interdependent with others, supports validation.
Follow Alicia Muรฑoz on Instagram for more informative and interesting posts, @aliciamunozcouples.
Written By Alicia Muรฑoz Originally Appeared On Alicia Muรฑoz
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